Transcript: Building Moral Intelligence, Working Moms, Back Pain | Nov 20, 2001

(music plays)

A title appears inside the shape of a house: More to Life. Words spin against a red and orange background: Health, Family, Home, Money, Fitness, Life. Fast clips show images related to the previous concepts, such as a dollar bill, a wheat field, and strands of DNA.

In animation, the title appears inside the shape of a house: "More to life."

Then, Mary Ito sits in a studio with textured yellow walls and the logo of the show in the background, which reads "More to life."

Mary is in her late thirties, with short black hair and bangs. She's wearing a pink blazer and a silver pendant necklace.

She says HELLO, I'M MARY ITO
AND WELCOME TO
MORE TO LIFE.
LATER ON THE SHOW, WE'RE GOING
TO LAUNCH A SERIES ON MOMS
WHO ARE FINDING THAT ELUSIVE
BALANCE BETWEEN WORK AND HOME.
BUT FIRST, IT IS A CRIME
THAT MANY OF US
CAN'T EVEN BEAR TO CONTEMPLATE.
A CHILD KILLING ANOTHER CHILD.
WE FEAR FOR OUR CHILDREN, BUT
WE ALSO HARBOUR A SECRET FEAR.
AND THAT IS says WOULD OUR CHILD BE CAPABLE
OF COMMITTING SUCH AN ACT?
OR ANY KIND OF VIOLENCE
FOR THAT MATTER.
OR, TO A LESSER DEGREE EVEN,
WILL THEY BE SENSITIVE
TO OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS
AND FEELINGS OVER THE YEARS?
IN THE END,
HAVE WE TAUGHT THEM
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG?
IT'S A SUBJECT OF GREAT CONCERN
TO EDUCATOR MICHELE BORBA.
SHE'S THE AUTHOR OF
Building MORAL INTELLIGENCE: THE SEVEN ESSENTIAL VIRTUES THAT TEACH KIDS TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

A picture of the book appears briefly on screen. The cover features a picture of seven children holding each other tightly in a single file.

Mary continues NOW, WE HAVE FIVE COPIES
OF MICHELE'S BOOK
TO GIVE AWAY TO CALLERS
WHO MAKE IT TO AIR,
SO PLEASE GIVE US A CALL
WITH YOUR CONCERNS.
MAYBE YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT
YOUR EIGHT-YEAR-OLD'S TEMPER,
OR YOUR FIVE-YEAR-OLD'S
INABILITY TO SHARE.
OR, YOU HAVE A 12-YEAR-OLD
AND YOU SUSPECT
THAT HE OR SHE IS STEALING.
PLEASE GIVE US A CALL TODAY.
MICHELE WOULD LOVE
TO SPEAK TO YOU.

A caption reads "416-484-2727. 1-888-411-1234."
Then, it changes to "moretolife@tvo.org"

Mary continues HELLO, MICHELE AND WELCOME.
THANKS FOR COMING IN.

Michele is in her forties, with straight dark hair in a short bob and bangs. She's wearing a red blazer and a black sweater.

She says HELLO, MARY.
THANK YOU.

Mary says NOW, I WANT TO GIVE
A REAL LIFE SCENARIO
THAT YOU ACTUALLY ADDRESS
IN YOUR BOOK.
NINE-YEAR-OLD CAMERON KOCHER,
HE'S PLAYING NINTENDO
WITH SEVEN-YEAR-OLD
JESSICA CARR.
A PARENT STOPS THE GAME BECAUSE
THE KIDS HAVE MADE A MESS
AND THE TWO KIDS
GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT.
CAMERON ENDS UP GOING HOME.
HE'S ANGRY.
HE TAKES A RIFLE FROM
HIS FAMILY'S GUN CABINET.
AND HE GOES BACK
AND SHOOTS JESSICA.
THEN HE GOES BACK
AND HE PLAYS NINTENDO.
NOW, THIS IS A SHOCKING,
BUT TRUE STORY.
AND APPARENTLY,
YOU SAY IN THE BOOK
THAT CAMERON KNEW
IT WAS WRONG TO KILL,
BUT HE WENT
AND HE DID IT ANYWAY.
WHY?

The caption changes to "Michele Borba. 'Building moral intelligence.'"

Michele says HE'S LACKING
WHAT A LOT OF KIDS LACK.
AND THAT'S
THE NUMBER ONE FOUNDATION
TO MORAL INTELLIGENCE.
EMPATHY.
WHAT HE CAN'T DO IS FEEL
HOW THE OTHER PERSON WOULD FEEL.
NOTICE EVEN AFTER
THAT ATROCIOUS ACT OF MURDER,
THE MOTHER WAS FRANTICALLY
TRYING TO SAVE THE CHILD'S LIFE
AND THEN REALIZED
THAT SHE COULDN'T
HE JUST SITS BACK LACKADAISICAL,
PLAYING NINTENDO
WITH NO CONCERN AT ALL,
BECAUSE HE HAD NO SENSITIVITY
TO SOMEBODY ELSE'S FEELINGS.
AND THE REAL TRAGEDY
IS THAT ALL OF OUR KIDS ARE BORN
WITH THE POTENTIAL FOR EMPATHY.
THEY'RE BORN WITH IT.
BUT UNLESS WE NURTURE IT,
IT'S GONNA LIE DORMANT.
AND A LOT OF KIDS,
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT'S ALREADY EXTINGUISHING BY
THE SECOND GRADE, IN OUR BOYS.

Mary says NOW, YOU TALK ABOUT EMPATHY
AS BEING PART OF WHAT YOU CALL
"MORAL INTELLIGENCE."
YEAH.
WHAT EXACTLY
IS MORAL INTELLIGENCE?

Michele says OH, MORAL INTELLIGENCE
IS JUST THIS WONDERFUL CAPACITY
TO UNDERSTAND RIGHT FROM WRONG.
IT'S REALLY WHAT GUIDES OUR KIDS
THE REST OF THEIR LIVES
AND FORMS THE FOUNDATION
OF THEIR CHARACTER.
AND THE BEST PART ABOUT IT
IS THAT IT'S ALL TEACHABLE.
TOO OFTEN WE LOOK AT IT
AS KIND OF THIS,
"OH, MY GOSH.
THAT SOUNDS SO DIFFICULT."
BUT IT'S NOT,
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY
JUST COMPRISED OF SKILLS.
LIKE HOW TO CALM DOWN, AND
HOW TO KNOW RIGHT FROM WRONG,
AND HOW TO ASSERT
YOURSELF FAIRLY,
AND HOW TO CONFRONT A BULLY.
AND ALL OF THOSE
ARE TEACHABLE SKILLS
THAT WE CAN START
HELPING OUR KIDS LEARN
AT A VERY EARLY AGE, MARY.

Mary says NOW, YOU SAY THAT WE ARE
ACTUALLY BORN WITH THIS EMPATHY?

Michele says WE'RE BORN WITH
THE POTENTIAL FOR IT.
OUR KIDS ARE ALREADY
WIRED WITH THAT.
BUT UNLESS WE TUNE IT UP,
IT JUST BEGINS TO EXTINGUISH.
ONE OF THE THINGS
WE KNOW FOR INSTANCE
WHEN WE PARENT OUR DAUGHTERS,
WE DO PRETTY WELL IN TERMS
OF BUILDING THEIR EMPATHY
BECAUSE WE TALK ABOUT
THEIR FEELINGS.
"OH, YOU LOOK SO HAPPY."
OR, "MY!
YOU MUST BE SO PROUD."
AND WE DON'T TALK ABOUT FEELINGS
NEARLY ENOUGH WITH OUR SONS.
WHICH MEANS, WHAT HAPPENS
VERY OFTEN ALONG THE WAY
IS THEY BECOME DESENSITIZED
TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS.

Mary says AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT THESE
THINGS ARE ACTUALLY TEACHABLE?
I MEAN,
WHAT HAS RESEARCH SHOWN YOU?

Michele says WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
WE FIELD TESTED THIS.
WE TOOK
THE SEVEN VIRTUES
IN THREE SCHOOL SITES.
THE THREE SCHOOL SITES WE CHOSE,
ONE WAS IN SURREY.

Mary says BRITISH COLUMBIA?

Michele says ONE WAS IN BRITISH COLUMBIA.
AND IT WAS AN URBAN SITE.
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF KIND OF DOWNTOWN SURREY.
ANOTHER ONE WAS RURAL.
IT WAS HAYS, KANSAS,
VERY, VERY RURAL, SMALL.
AND A THIRD ONE
WAS A MORE SUBURBAN SITE.
IT WAS BROOKLYN PARK
IN MINNESOTA.
THESE ARE ALL SITES.
DIDN'T HAVE A LOT
OF PARENTAL SUPERVISION.
WE WANTED TO SEE says CAN TEACHERS MAKE A DIFFERENCE
ON TEACHING THESE SKILLS?

Mary says RIGHT, NOW, I JUST NEED TO ASK.
WHAT ABOUT SOCIOECONOMICALLY?
WAS THERE A DIFFERENCE?

Michele says ALL DIFFERENT.

Mary says OKAY.

Michele says WE CHOSE ALL DIFFERENT ONES,
BUT ALL THREE
HAD HIGH POPULATIONS
OF AT RISK KIDS.
WHICH ARE SIMPLY
CHILDREN ALONG THE WAY
THAT WE ALREADY KNOW
HAVE RISK FACTORS.
LIKE MAYBE PARENTAL SUPPORT NOT
THERE, OR MAYBE IMPOVERISHMENT.
MAYBE THEY HAVE
LEARNING DISABILITIES.
ONE OF THE SCHOOLS
WAS HOUSING CHILDREN
WHO HAD SEVERE EMOTIONAL NEEDS,
MORE OF THOSE RISK FACTORS
AGAINST THEM.
WHICH MEANS THEY CAN BECOME
NATIONAL STATISTICS
UNLESS SOMEBODY
TURNS THE TIDE FOR THEM.
AND WHAT WE DID IS WE HAD
TEACHERS TAKE THE SKILLS.
EACH MONTH, CHOOSE ONE SKILL,
BUT THE ENTIRE STAFF
CHOSE THIS SKILL.
AND THEN A MINUTE A DAY,
WHEN YOU SAY YOU DON'T HAVE
TIME, YEAH YOU DO.
THIS WAS A MINUTE A DAY.
THEY'D REINFORCE
THE SAME SKILL IN THE CLASSROOM.
WHAT HAPPENED
WAS THEN EVERY MONTH
THEY CHOSE A DIFFERENT SKILL.
LIKE MAYBE ONE MONTH
IT WAS HOW TO CALM DOWN.
ANOTHER MONTH IT WAS
HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM.
BY THE END OF THE YEAR,
WRIGHT STATE UNIVERSITY,
THEY TESTED,
PRE AND POST-TESTED THE KIDS.
50,000 PIECES OF DATA
WERE COLLECTED
ON THESE KIDS' BEHAVIOUR.
THEY FOUND
A 39 PERCENT REDUCTION
IN VERBAL
AND PHYSICAL AGGRESSION.
AND 85 PERCENT OR MORE OF ALL
OF THE STAFF, AT EACH SCHOOL,
SAID THESE KIDS
CLEARLY WERE MORE TOLERANT,
CARING, COMPASSIONATE.

Mary says AND WHAT WERE
THE AGE RANGES OF THESE KIDS?

Michele says THE AGES WERE ALL
FROM KINDERGARTEN
THROUGH SEVENTH GRADE.
SO THEY WERE
ELEMENTARY AGED KIDS
IN EACH ONE
OF THOSE SCHOOL SITES.
BUT WE FOUND SOME FACTORS
THAT WERE CRITICAL.
NUMBER ONE, CONSISTENCY.
AS A PARENT, PROBABLY
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO
IS DON'T OVERWHELM YOURSELF
TRYING TO DO SO MUCH.
BUT GO THROUGH THE BOOK, OR GO
THROUGH YOUR MIND, AND SAY,
"WHAT'S THE ONE THING
THIS MONTH MY KIDS NEED
TO BE BETTER HUMAN BEINGS?"
AND LET ME OPEN UP
MY PALMPILOT, OR MY DAY-TIMER,
WRITE IT IN THERE, AND SAY,
"THIS MONTH,
A MINUTE A DAY OR LONGER..."
IF YOU HAVE, BUT IF IT'S ONLY
A MINUTE, A MINUTE A DAY. LET ME REINFORCE
THE SAME THING."
NEW BEHAVIOURS, MARY,
TAKE A MINIMUM
OF 21 DAYS OF REPETITION.
WHAT WE FOUND IS THAT TOO OFTEN,
YOU KNOW, WE SAY,
"BUT I TAUGHT HIM THAT
YESTERDAY.
HE'S NOT DOING IT TODAY."
IT'S BECAUSE
WE HAVEN'T REPEATED IT ENOUGH.
AND WHAT YOU REALLY WANT IS
THE CHILD TO LEARN A NEW HABIT.

Mary says NOW, SPEAKING OF
TIME SPENT WITH CHILDREN,
YOU GIVE SOME
VERY SURPRISING STATS
ABOUT HOW MUCH TIME PARENTS
ACTUALLY SPEND WITH KIDS.
I MEAN, YOU SAID
THAT WORKING MOTHERS SPEND
AN AVERAGE OF 11 MINUTES A DAY
OF QUALITY INTERACTIVE TIME.

Michele says QUALITY.
THAT DOESN'T COUNT TO DO YOUR
HOMEWORK AND MAKE YOUR BED.

Mary says NOT JUST BEING IN THE HOUSE.

Michele says RIGHT.
AND IT'S DROPPING DRAMATICALLY.
EVEN A MOTHER WHO IS AT HOME,
IT'S 13 MINUTES.
SO WHAT WE'VE DONE IS WE'VE SORT
OF SHORT CHANGED OURSELVES
FROM THE FAMILY DINNER HOUR.
THE TV IS VERY OFTEN TAKING OVER
OUR COMMUNICATION NEEDS.
AND WE JUST REALLY NEED TO BE
MUCH MORE AWARE OF IT,
BECAUSE PARENTS WHO RAISE MORAL
KIDS DON'T DO SO BY ACCIDENT.
THEY'RE MUCH MORE INTENTIONAL.

Mary says AND WORKING DADS
FARE WORSE ACTUALLY.
YOU SAY IT'S EIGHT
MINUTES FOR THEM.

Michele says IT'S EIGHT MINUTES
AND THAT'S A HIGH STATISTIC.
THOSE ARE A NUMBER OF STUDIES
WHO HAVE VALIDATED THOSE.
AND IT'S A REALLY SCARY,
NEW TREND,
BECAUSE WHAT THEY'RE FINDING
IS THAT PER DECADE,
OUR QUALITY INTERACTION TIME
WITH OUR KIDS
IS DROPPING DRAMATICALLY.

Mary says WELL, THE KEY MUST BE...
SEE, I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE THIS OUT.
BECAUSE WHEN I THINK BACK
A GENERATION AGO,
THERE WERE MANY CHILDREN,
LIKE MYSELF,
AND OUR PARENTS SPENT
VERY LITTLE TIME.
I MEAN, THEY WERE AROUND A LOT.
WE DIDN'T HAVE
AS HIGH A PERCENTAGE
OF WORKING MOTHERS BACK THEN.

Michele says YES.

Mary says THEY WERE AROUND.
BUT THEY WERE BUSY COOKING.
THEY WERE DOING
HOUSEHOLD CHORES.
THEY DIDN'T REALLY SIT DOWN
AND DO HOMEWORK, YOU KNOW?
WE WERE SORT OF LEFT ON OUR OWN
TO DO OUR OWN HOMEWORK.
BUT WE DIDN'T FEEL NEGLECTED.
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

Michele says WELL, FIRST OF ALL, DOING
THE HOMEWORK WOULDN'T BE IT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING THAT'S
DIFFERENT RIGHT NOW IS STRESS.
WE'RE ALL STRESSED.
NO MATTER IF YOU WORK
OR YOU DON'T WORK.
WE'VE ALSO SCHEDULED
OURSELVES TO DEATH,
WITH OVERSCHEDULING TIME,
WITH OUR KIDS AND
THEIR OVERSCHEDULING TIME.
AND SO THE QUALITY TIME
OF JUST LEARNING HOW TO PLAY IN
A SANDBOX, FOR A LOT OF KIDS,
HAS KIND OF EVAPORATED.
THAT'S WHERE YOU LEARN
NEGOTIATING, AND SHARING,
AND GETTING ACQUAINTED.
ROLE MODELS, BY THE WAY.
WE KNOW THAT STRESS
IS BREAKING DOWN.
143 COUNTIES IN THE UNITED
STATES ARE NOW REQUIRING PARENTS
TO SIGN A PLEDGE OF CIVILITY
BEFORE THEY ATTEND
THEIR KIDS' LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES.
IT'S NOT THE KIDS' BEHAVIOUR
THEY'RE CONCERNED ABOUT.
IT'S THE PARENTS.

Mary says MM-HM, WELL MAYBE YOU NEED
TO WRITE ANOTHER BOOK
ON PARENTS' BEHAVIOUR.

Michele says OH!
(LAUGHING)
WE'RE HOPING IT STARTS FROM US.
BECAUSE I CALL IT "THE BOOMERANG
EFFECT OF PARENTING."
WHAT YOU THROW OUT TO YOUR KIDS
IS GONNA COME RIGHT BACK
IN YOUR FACE AND HAUNT YOU.
SO YOU'D BETTER THROW OUT
WHAT YOU WANT.

Mary says WE'RE GOING TO TALK
ABOUT THAT IN A SECOND,
BUT LET'S TAKE
A FEW CALLS RIGHT NOW.
WE'VE GOT MEI ON THE LINE.
I BELIEVE FROM OAKVILLE.
OKAY, MEI.
GO AHEAD, MEI.

The Caller says MEI says GOOD AFTERNOON.
YOUR LAST COMMENT WAS TIMELY.
IT'LL LEAD INTO MY QUESTION.
I'M A FORMER TEACHER.
I'VE TAUGHT PRIMARY GRADES
AND SPECIAL EDUCATION,
AND I NOW HAVE
TWO PRE-SCHOOLERS,
A THREE AND FIVE-YEAR-OLD.
AND ONE THING THAT I'VE NOTICED
NOW THAT I INTERACT
ON PLAYGROUNDS,
AND AT PARK AND REC FACILITIES,
AND PUBLIC FACILITIES,
LIKE ARENAS,
AND EVEN ON SCHOOL PROPERTY,
AND OTHER PRIVATE PROPERTY,
THE LACK OF SELF CONTROL
OF CHILDREN,
AND THE LACK OF SELF
DISCIPLINE.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHEN I SEE CHILDREN
GOING OUT OF CONTROL,
FOR EXAMPLE, LIKE MY OWN,
I ALWAYS SPEAK UP.
AND I WHAT I NOTICE THOUGH,
AND THIS IS WHY I'M CALLING,
I NOTICE THAT A LOT OF PARENTS
ARE RESISTANT OR ALMOST ALOOF.
AND I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME EXAMPLES.
WHEN I GO TO PLAYGROUNDS WITH
MY CHILDREN, THE MOTHERS,
OR CAREGIVERS,
OR STAY-AT-HOME DADS, WHATEVER,
ARE HUDDLED IN ONE CORNER
OR ON A BENCH DRINKING THEIR
TAKE-OUT COFFEES CHATTING.
AND THERE'S CHILDREN BLOCKING
THE SLIDE, THROWING GRAVEL,
THROWING SAND,
BEING RUDE, PUSHING.
AND THEY'RE NOT DISCIPLINING.
AND THAT MAKES IT ODD FOR ME,
BECAUSE I AM SPEAKING UP
IF MY CHILDREN
ARE DOING THOSE THINGS.
BUT ALSO, YOU KNOW,
I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE
DISCIPLINING
OTHER PEOPLE'S CHILDREN,
BUT IF MY CHILDREN
ARE AT RISK OF GETTING INJURED,
OF COURSE I DO SPEAK OUT.
SO THAT'S ONE THING I WANTED
TO MENTION THAT I'VE OBSERVED.
AND THEN ANOTHER THING IS IN
PUBLIC FACILITIES, FOR EXAMPLE,
LIKE RESTAURANTS, OR INDOOR,
AND FOYERS OF CHURCHES,
OR PARKS AND REC FACILITIES,
OR ON PRIVATE PROPERTY,
THERE'S CHILDREN SWINGING ON
TREE BRANCHES AND RUNNING.
YOU KNOW, MY SON OR DAUGHTER
WILL, OF COURSE,
EAGERLY JOIN IN, AND THEN,
YOU KNOW, RIGHT AWAY,
I'M "EXCUSE ME.
WE NEED TO GO OFF.
THAT'S GONNA DAMAGE
THE TREE BRANCH."
OR, "I'M SORRY.
WE CAN RUN IN OUR BACKYARD
OR OUTSIDE,
BUT NOT HERE IN THE HALLWAY."
AND I'M, YOU KNOW,
ONE OUT OF 30 PARENTS
MILLING ABOUT, SPEAKING UP.
AND MY QUESTION TO YOU,
MICHELE,
"IS WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF THIS?"
'CAUSE EVEN, YOU KNOW,
COMPARED TO 13 YEARS AGO
WHEN I STARTED TEACHING,
I DON'T REMEMBER
THAT LACK OF CONTROL
WHEN I WAS OUT IN PUBLIC.
BECAUSE WORKING WITH CHILDREN I
WAS ALWAYS AWARE OF, YOU KNOW,
CHILDREN'S BEHAVIOUR AROUND ME.
AND WHAT SHOULD I DO?
BECAUSE I OFTEN FEEL
LIKE I'M THE ODD MAN OUT.
AND I OFTEN THINK
THAT PEOPLE...
THAT'S HARD... THINK MAYBE
I'M BEING TOO MILITANT.
AND REALLY,
ALL I'M TRYING TO TEACH THEM
IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR
AND RESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE'S
PROPERTY IN, YOU KNOW,
PUBLIC PLACES.

Mary says RIGHT, YEAH.
SHE ENDS UP LOOKING
LIKE THE BAD GUY.

Michele says YEAH, AND IT'S TOUGH.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THE FASCINATING...
THERE'S A COUPLE OF COMMENTS.
NUMBER ONE, IS THE FACT
THAT YOU'RE A TEACHER,
A FORMER SPECIAL ED TEACHER.
THAT'S MY BACKGROUND.
I WROTE THIS BOOK PRIMARILY
DIRECTED BY TEACHERS
WHO 10 YEARS AGO WERE SEEING
THE BEGINNING OF THE TRENDS.
SO IT'S REALLY, I THINK,
TEACHERS HAVE CAUGHT ON
THAT THERE'S A PROBLEM,
AND THEY'RE DIRECTING IT...
THIS, WHEN YOU'RE SAYING
LACK OF SELF-CONTROL.
WHAT THEY'VE NOTICED IS
THAT IMPULSIVITY IN OUR KIDS
HAS INCREASED 700 PERCENT
IN 25 YEARS.
PEDIATRICIANS HAVE FOLLOWED KIDS
FOR A PERIOD OF OVER 25 YEARS.
AND THE REPORTS
OF HOW LACK OF THEIR CONTROL IS
AND HOW MUCH
THEIR IMPULSIVITY IS INCREASING
IS GOING UP DRAMATICALLY.
NOW, "WHY?" IS YOUR QUESTION.
I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS
WE'VE DONE WRONG ALONG THE WAY
IS ASSUME THAT PARENTING
IS A POPULARITY CONTEST.
AND WE'VE NOT ADDED "NO."
TO OUR VOCABULARY NEARLY ENOUGH.
AND IT BECOMES REALLY TOUGH
BECAUSE WHEN WE SEE KIDS
LIKE YOUR LISTENER DID
WHO'S NOTICING CHILDREN WHO
DON'T HAVE THE RESPECT,
AND IMPULSIVITY,
YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING.
IT'S HARD TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN
THE OTHER PARENT IS RIGHT THERE.
BUT SOMETIMES YOU CAN BE TACTFUL
OF SORT OF WALK RIGHT UP,
AND MAKE SURE THAT YOUR CHILD,
FIRST OF ALL,
IS NOT VIEWING THAT IN THAT WAY.
AND SECOND OF ALL, I CERTAINLY
WOULD MENTION SOMETHING OF,
"THAT'S NOT HOW THE WAY WE ACT,"
SO THAT YOUR CHILD OVERHEARS IT.
AND SOMETIMES WHEN YOU
DIRECT IT TO YOUR CHILD,
THE OTHER CHILD
CAN SORT OF OVERHEAR IT.
AND HOPEFULLY THE OTHER PARENT
WILL OVERHEAR IT.
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

Mary says YOU SAY THAT WE DON'T SAY "NO."
ENOUGH, BUT YOU KNOW,
MANY, NOT ALL,
BUT MANY EDUCATORS
HAVE TAKEN AWAY
OUR ABILITY TO SAY NO.
THEY'VE COME OUT AND SAID,
"YOU DON'T WANT TO SAY 'NO.'
YOU WANT TO DIRECT IT IN SUCH
A WAY THAT THE CHILD FEELS
THAT IT COMES FROM THEM.
SO YOU TRY
TO GET AROUND THE ISSUE
BY NOT ACTUALLY SAYING 'NO.'
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
MAYBE WE SHOULD BE
DOING THIS OVER HERE."

Michele says OH, YOU WANT TO DIRECT THEM
TO A DIFFERENT WAY?

Mary says RIGHT.

Michele says RIGHT, NOW WE CAN DO THAT
AT THE BEGINNING.
WHEN WE'RE SEEING THAT THEY'RE
READY TO GO INTO ONE ELEMENT.
THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE ALSO
LOCK OUR KIDS INTO ONE BEHAVIOUR
SO THEY DON'T REALIZE
WHY THEIR BEHAVIOUR WAS WRONG.
ONE OF THE THINGS
WE MAY BE DOING
IS THE QUICK FIX
DISCIPLINE APPROACH.
"THAT'S WRONG!,"
OR "LET'S DIRECT THEM
IN A DIFFERENT WAY."
BUT THEY DON'T REALIZE
WHAT THE HECK THEY DID WRONG.
THE MOST IMPORTANT WORD
THAT WE KNOW
THAT HELPS MORAL REASONING
AND CONSCIENCE IS "WHY."
THAT WAS WRONG.
BUT WHY?
WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?
WHAT WILL YOU DO NEXT TIME SO
YOU WON'T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE?
SEEMS TO BE WHAT
ALL OF THE RESEARCH
ON MORAL DEVELOPMENT IS SAYING
STRONG PARENTS USE,
WHO END UP RAISING KIDS
WHO HAVE STRONG MORAL VALUES.

Mary says WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF SAYING NO?

Michele says I DON'T HAVE
ANY PROBLEM SAYING NO,
AS LONG AS YOU TELL THEM
WHAT'S THE OTHER WAY TO DO IT.
I THINK THE ONLY THING
THEY'RE CONCERNED ABOUT
IS THAT SOMETIMES
WE MAY BE TOO NEGATIVE.
AND THE REASON FOR THAT
IS THAT RESEARCH IS SAYING
THAT THE AVERAGE PARENT SAYS 18
PUT DOWNS, OR NEGATIVE COMMENTS
TO EVERY ONE PUT UP.
NOW THAT IS WELL DOCUMENTED,
WHICH MAY BE THE CONCERN OF
LET'S MAKE SURE WE'RE NOT
OVEREXTENDING THE NEGATIVES
AND FIND SOMETHING POSITIVE
TO SAY ABOUT OUR KIDS.

Mary says OKAY, LET'S TAKE
ANOTHER CALL HERE.
WE'VE GOT ANNE
ON THE LINE FROM AURORA.
HI, ANNE.

The Caller says HI, I JUST WANT TO COMMENT
ABOUT MY LITTLE SON
WHO IS FOUR YEARS OLD
AND JUST STARTED
KINDERGARTEN AT A NEW SCHOOL.
HE IS EXTREMELY HAVING
A REALLY, REALLY HARD TIME
AT THIS NEW SCHOOL.
HE STARTED LATE.
THE KIDS WERE, FROM
THE VERY BEGINNING, AGGRESSIVE,
TEASING HIM, PUSHING HIM.
HIS BEHAVIOUR'S
CHANGED DRAMATICALLY
SINCE HE STARTED THERE.
AND WHAT I SEE HAPPENING,
HE COMES HOME AFTER SCHOOL.
HE USES LANGUAGE
THAT HE'S NEVER HEARD HERE,
HE DOES NOT HEAR HERE.
THEY ASSUME
IT'S COMING FROM ME.
AND WHAT HAPPENS IS HE PICKS UP
BAD BEHAVIOUR IN SCHOOL,
BUT MY SON, I BELIEVE,
MAY HAVE MAYBE A.D.H.D.
AND THAT WHAT I SEE IS HE HAS
VERY POOR IMPULSE CONTROL.
THERE IS A HISTORY
IN THE FAMILY.
SO, HOW DO I DEAL WITH MY SON
WHO IS BEING,
NUMBER ONE, TARGETED?
AND THEN HASN'T GOT THE CONTROL
TO DEAL WITH
THESE OTHER CHILDREN
AFTER HE HEARS BAD LANGUAGE?
HE COMES HOME
WITH THE SAME BAD LANGUAGE.
THE OTHER KIDS WHISPER THE BAD
LANGUAGE UNDER THEIR BREATH,
NOT IN THE EARS' HEARING...
THEY AREN'T HEARD
BY THEIR TEACHERS.
BUT MY SON DOESN'T HAVE
THE IMPULSE CONTROL.
HE'S SMILING, LAUGHING, AND HE
JUST PICKS UP ON THIS STUFF
AND IS MODELING
THE OTHER CHILDREN.

Michele says YOU'VE GOT TWO ISSUES HERE.
THE FIRST IS ISSUE IS HELPING
YOUR CHILD DEAL WITH TEASING.
WHICH IS RAMPANT.
160,000 KIDS A DAY
ARE SKIPPING SCHOOL
BECAUSE OF PEER HARASSMENT.
THIS HAS BECOME AN EPIDEMIC
AND AN EPIDEMIC PROPORTION.
AND BE AWARE
THAT IT'S NOT HAPPENING
WHEN KIDS START SCHOOL.
IT'S HAPPENING WAY BEFORE AND
THEY'RE LEARNING THE BEHAVIOUR.
SO, THE FIRST THING IS THAT.
BUT THE SECOND THING,
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT,
LET'S BEGIN
WITH YOUR CONCERNS
THAT YOUR CHILD MAY HAVE A.D.D.
FIRST CONCERN IS GO
AND TALK TO THE TEACHER.
GET AS MANY DIFFERENT VERDICTS,
VIEWPOINTS AS POSSIBLE.
IF YOU CAN OBSERVE THE SCHOOL
TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.
SOMETIMES...IT'S
VERY IMPORTANT TO TRY TO GET
DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES OF says IS YOUR CHILD JUST ACTING
THIS WAY IN SCHOOL?
ARE YOU SEEING
THE SAME THING OUT IN PARKS?
IF HE'S IN SOCCER,
ARE YOU SEEING
THE SAME BEHAVIOURS THERE?
I WOULD CERTAINLY TALK TO
AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE
TO GET THEIR VIEWPOINTS.
THE SECOND THING IS,
I'D GO TO A PEDIATRICIAN.
I'D LAY DOWN MY CONCERNS.
THERE ARE CHECKLISTS, THAT ARE
REALLY THOROUGH CHECKLISTS
TO MAKE SURE
THAT THIS IS A BEHAVIOUR THAT...
IS YOUR CHILD EXHIBITING
THESE BEHAVIOURS?
DON'T WAIT.
I THINK THE BIGGEST CONCERN
WE DO AS PARENTS IS WE WAIT
AND WE THINK
THEY'RE GOING TO OUTGROW IT.
AND YOU, PARENTS KNOW
THEIR KIDS BETTER THAN ANYBODY.
YOU USE YOUR HEART
AND YOU ACT ON YOUR HEART.
AND THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
THE SECOND THING IS YOU'VE
JUST GOTTA HELP YOUR CHILD
LEARN RIGHT FROM WRONG.
AND THAT'S GONNA BE TOUGH,
BECAUSE PEER MODELS
PLAY AN ENORMOUS ROLE
AT THIS PARTICULAR AGE.
BUT YOU'VE GOTTA FIND HIM
SOME APPROPRIATE MODELS,
SO HE'S SEEING SOME OTHER
SOURCES AND HE'S KNOWING
THAT YOU MAY NOT COPY OTHER KIDS
THAT ARE DOING
THAT PARTICULAR VIRTUE.
THIS IS A HARD ONE.

Mary says YEAH, NOW,
WE HAVE HEARD TWO CALLS
ABOUT THE ISSUE OF SELF CONTROL.

Michele says YES.

Mary says WE'VE TALKED ABOUT EMPATHY.
AND THOSE ARE TWO OF THE VIRTUES
THAT MAKE UP MORAL INTELLIGENCE.
WHY DON'T WE JUST QUICKLY GO
OVER WHAT ARE THE OTHER VIRTUES?

Michele says THE FIRST ONE IS EMPATHY.
THE SECOND ONE IS CONSCIENCE,
CLEARLY KNOWING
RIGHT FROM WRONG,
WHICH IS WHAT YOUR OTHER
LISTENERS ARE ALSO MENTIONING.
RIGHT FROM WRONG.
SO IT'S INTERNALIZED.
AND YOU DON'T NEED REMINDERS
FROM MOM OR DAD
OF WHAT'S RIGHT FROM WRONG.
THE THIRD ONE IS SELF CONTROL,
WHICH IS THE BRAKE SYSTEM
THAT HELPS YOU STOP AND THINK.
WE CAN LOOK AT SOME STRATEGIES
THAT WE CAN HELP PARENTS
TEACH THEIR KIDS,
'CAUSE THAT'S ALSO SOMETHING
THAT IS TEACHABLE.
THE FOURTH ONE IS RESPECT.
JUST BASIC DIGNITY
AND CIVILITY TO HUMAN BEINGS.
WHICH IS WE'RE DEALING WITH ALSO
YOU'RE HEARING A LOT.
THAT A LOT OF KIDS ARE TREATING
EACH OTHER DISRESPECTFULLY.
AND RESPECT...
DISRESPECT IS VERY,
VERY EASY TO CATCH.
KINDNESS.
KINDNESS IS JUST COMPASSION,
LOVE FOR ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,
DOING SOMETHING
THAT IS GOOD FROM THE HEART.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
NOT BECAUSE MOM AND DAD
ASK YOU TO DO IT,
OR GRANDMA'S GONNA GIVE YOU
FIVE DOLLARS IF YOU DO,
BUT BECAUSE IT'S GOOD.
THEN IT'S TOLERANCE.
IT'S BASIC RESPECT
FOR DIFFERENT BELIEFS, AGES,
GENDERS, ABILITIES.
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CONCEPT.
ONE OF THE THINGS WE'RE SEEING
THAT'S REALLY FUELING BULLYING,
FOR INSTANCE, IS KIDS
ARE PICKING ON OTHERS
BECAUSE THEY'RE DIFFERENT.
SIZE, ABILITY.
AND THE LAST ONE'S FAIRNESS.
KNOWING HOW TO STICK UP
FOR YOURSELF FAIRLY.
KNOWING ALSO HOW TO SHARE, AND
NEGOTIATE, AND SOLVE PROBLEMS.
PEACEFULLY.
WHICH SEEMS TO BE
A CRITICAL ONE FOR TODAY'S KIDS.

Mary says NOW, YOU KNOW, THESE ARE
SUCH IMPORTANT MESSAGES
THAT WE WANT
TO GIVE OUR CHILDREN,
BUT THEY REALLY
ARE NOT THAT EFFECTIVE
IF WE OURSELVES
DON'T PRACTISE THEM.

Michele says YOU'RE RIGHT.
THE NUMBER ONE WAY
THAT OUR KIDS LEARN THIS
IS SIMPLY BY WATCHING US.
AND, JUST THINK
ABOUT SELF CONTROL.
THINK ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN
THE WATER'S BOILING OVER
AND HOW ARE YOU RESPONDING
TO THE PASTA
IN THE WATER GOING OVER,
BECAUSE YOUR KIDS
ARE MIRRORING YOU.

Mary says AND I THINK
A LOT OF PARENTS, YOU KNOW,
THEY DON'T REALLY REALIZE
WHAT THEY'RE DOING, RIGHT?
THEY DON'T THINK THAT THEY FALL
INTO THESE BAD HABITS,
BUT, IN YOUR BOOK, I'M JUST
GOING TO SHOW THE AUDIENCE HERE.
YOU GIVE SOME EXAMPLES
OF WHAT WE DO.
AND SURE ENOUGH,
WE LOOK AT IT AND WE GO,
"OH, YES."

A slate reads "You drive faster than the speed limit with your child in the car."

Mary says SO WHAT'S YOUR CHILD
SUPPOSED TO THINK?
HERE'S ANOTHER.

Another text reads "You eat a small 'sample' from the grocery store's candy bin without paying."

Mary says I MEAN, BASICALLY, YOU'RE...

BOTH say STEALING.

Mary says RIGHT?
YOU DO THE MAJORITY OF
YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL PROJECT
BUT YOU SIGN
HIS OR HER NAME TO IT.

MICHELE says CHEATING.

(LAUGHING)

Another text reads "You buy a ticket for a 'child under 12' even though your child is older.

Michele says LYING.

Mary says YEAH.

Michele says IT SENDS MIXED MESSAGES
TO OUR KIDS.
AND EVERYTHING WE DO
IS SENDING A MESSAGE.
THE PROBLEM IS
WE DON'T REALIZE IT UNTIL...
IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOUR KIDS
HAVE LITTLE VIDEO RECORDERS
INSIDE THEIR BRAIN.
THEY PLAY IT BACK AT THE MOST
INOPPORTUNE MOMENTS, AND YOU GO,
"OH, MY GOSH!
THAT'S ME!"
YOU DON'T REALIZE YOUR POWER AS
AN INFLUENCE OVER YOUR CHILD
UNTIL SOMETIMES IT'S TOO LATE
AND THEY START REPLAYING YOU.
"BUT YOU DO IT, DAD.
WHY NOT ME?"

Mary says AND, YOU KNOW, I THINK TOO,
ABOUT WHEN I GO TO THE SCHOOL
TO PICK UP MY CHILD.
AND YOU SEE THE PARENTS MILLING
ABOUT IN LITTLE GROUPS,
AND SO MANY OF THEM ARE
COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TEACHERS.

Michele says YUP, YUP.

Mary says THE CHILDREN ARE RIGHT THERE.
AND YET THEY EXPECT THEIR CHILD
TO GO IN AND LISTEN,
AND RESPECT,
PAY ATTENTION TO THE TEACHER,
BUT THERE THEY ARE COMPLAINING,
PUTTING DOWN...

Michele says OR BLAMING, BLAMING OTHERS,
AND EVERYBODY ELSE IS
ACCOUNTABLE, BUT NOT ME.
IT'S A TOUGH MESSAGE FOR KIDS.
AND HERE'S THE WHOLE THING ABOUT
BUILDING MORAL INTELLIGENCE.
WE CAN CREATE THESE GREAT MORAL
MESSAGES IN OUR OWN HOME.
BUT AS SOON AS OUR KIDS
WALK OUT THE DOOR,
THEY'RE GONNA GET HIT
WITH CONSTANT MIXED MESSAGES.
CERTAINLY FROM ROLE MODELS,
BUT IT'S GOTTA START WITH US.
WALKIN' OUR TALK CLEARLY.
AND KNOWING WHAT WE STAND FOR.
ONE OF THE GREATEST HOMEWORK
ASSIGNMENTS I TELL PARENTS IS,
"SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW.
TAKE A PIECE OF PAPER
AND A PENCIL AND WRITE DOWN
WHAT ARE THE THINGS YOU WANT
YOUR CHILD REALLY, REALLY,
THE TRAITS, 40 YEARS FROM NOW,
OR 20 YEARS FROM NOW,
OF EVERY CHARACTER TRAIT,
WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT TO YOU.
THERE'S NO RIGHT
OR WRONG ANSWER ON THIS, MARY.
BUT MAYBE IT'S HONESTY.
OR MAYBE IT'S RESPONSIBILITY,
OR RESPECT,
OR KINDNESS, OR WHATEVER.
JUST WRITE THEM DOWN.
THEN DO ONE STEP MORE
AND PUT A STAR NEXT TO THE ONE
THAT YOU THINK IS
THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT TRAIT
THAT YOU HOPE YOUR CHILD
POSSESSES IN TERMS OF CHARACTER.
NOW, I'M GONNA ASK YOU
ONE MORE QUESTION.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU
REINFORCED THAT IN YOUR CHILD?
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU TOLD YOUR CHILD
HOW IMPORTANT THAT TRAIT IS?
OR, AN EVEN BETTER QUESTION,
BACK TO YOUR EXAMPLES.
THINK OF YOURSELF AT NIGHT.
IF YOUR CHILD HAD ONLY
YOUR EXAMPLE TO WATCH TODAY,
WHAT WOULD HE HAVE CAUGHT?
AND THE ANSWER SOMETIMES
IS SCARY.

Mary says YEAH, WE NEED TO TAKE
A HARD LOOK AT OURSELVES.

Michele says YEAH, YOU REALLY DO.

Mary says OKAY, LET'S TAKE
ANOTHER CALL HERE.
WE'VE GOT JULIE ON THE LINE
FROM NIAGARA FALLS.
HI, JULIE.

The Caller says HI, HOW ARE YOU?

Mary says FINE, THANKS.

The Caller says GOOD, I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

Mary says GREAT, THANK YOU.

The Caller says GOOD, I HAVE AN 18-MONTH-OLD
LITTLE BOY AND I TOTALLY AGREE
WITH WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
THEY PICK UP EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
EVEN AT 18 MONTHS ALREADY.
MY QUESTION IS, IS HOW YOUNG
YOU SHOULD START TALKING
ABOUT THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOUR.
AND, I MEAN,
HE'S REALLY GOOD AT SHARING
AND THAT KIND OF THING,
BUT I NOTICE SOMETIMES
THAT WHEN HE GETS UPSET,
WHEN HE'S REALLY TIRED
OR WHATEVER, UM,
HE DOES TEND TO HAVE A LITTLE,
YOU KNOW,
HE GETS A LITTLE MOODY
OR WHATEVER.
I WOULDN'T SAY
HE'S HAVING A TEMPER TANTRUM,
BUT IT'S NOT SO FAR AWAY
FROM A TEMPER TANTRUM.

Michele says WELL, NUMBER ONE, OUR KIDS
ALMOST ALWAYS RESORT TO ANGER
OR ACTING OUT FOR THREE THINGS, HURT, FEAR, OR FRUSTRATION.
SO, IF YOU WATCH THEM,
YOU CAN ALMOST GAUGE THEM.
PARTICULARLY AT 18 MONTHS.
THEY'RE SO QUICK
ON THE FRUSTRATION POINT,
OR THE HUNGER, OR,
YOU KNOW, JUST THE EXHAUSTION.
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS,
OF ALL THE TRAITS
THAT SEEM TO EMERGE, ONE OF
THE FIRST ONES IS SHARING.
AND SHE ALREADY MENTIONED THAT.
SHARING STARTS AT AROUND TWO.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS WE DO
IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING MODELING.
SITTING DOWN
ON THE FLOOR AND SAYING,
"IT'S YOUR TURN.
NOW, IT'S MY TURN.
NOW, IT'S HIS TURN."
AND YOU JUST HAVE
TO KEEP MODELING THAT
OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND PRETTY
SOON YOU'LL SEE YOUR CHILD GO,
"NOW, IT'S HIS TURN.
NOW, IT'S MY TURN.
THEY JUST MIMIC IT
PERFECTLY BACK.
THEY DON'T ALWAYS HAVE
THE LANGUAGE, BUT AT 18 MONTHS,
YOU'VE GOT TWO THINGS
THAT ARE REALLY IMPORTANT.
KEEP THE SHARING GOING
IF YOU HAVE TO MODEL IT
AS YOU'RE ALREADY DOING.
THE SECOND THING IS, KEEP
THE EMOTION VOCABULARY GOING.
"LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE STARTING
TO GET A LITTLE ANGRY."
"OH, YOU LOOK SO HAPPY TODAY!"
PARTICULARLY WITH YOUR SON.

Mary says YEAH, YEAH,
YOU TALK ABOUT THAT IN THE BOOK
AS BEING SO IMPORTANT.
BUILDING UP
THIS EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY.

Michele says YES, BECAUSE OUR KIDS,
VERY OFTEN...
A COUPLE OF THINGS
ARE HAPPENING TO,
PARTICULARLY, OUR BOYS.
IN 30 YEARS, WE'VE SEEN
A 300 PERCENT INCREASE
IN ADOLESCENT SUICIDE
AND A 1000 PERCENT INCREASE
IN ADOLESCENT DEPRESSION.
WHAT HAPPENS IS OUR KIDS GET
OLDER, PARTICULARLY OUR BOYS.
IT'S VERY OFTEN THEY HOLD IT IN
OR THEY LASH IT OUT.
WE SEE THAT KIDS
WHO AREN'T SO FRUSTRATED,
WHO HAVE MORE OF A LITTLE BIT
OF THE SELF CONTROL,
CAN TALK IT OUT.
"I'M ANGRY BECAUSE..."
AND 'I MESSAGES' ARE A GREAT WAY
AT A YOUNG AGE TO SAY,
"I'M REALLY ANGRY BECAUSE..."
"AND I WANT...," OR "I NEED..."
YOU KNOW,
"TO HAVE MORE TIME AT THE TV."
OR, "AND I NEED
YOUR ATTENTION, MOM."
IF THEY CAN EXPRESS IT,
THEY'VE GOT THE TOOL,
AND THEY DON'T NEED
TO HAVE TO ACT IT OUT.
AND THAT'S WHY IT'S
SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP BUILDING
THAT EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY
SO THEY CAN EXPRESS THEMSELF.

Mary says NOW, YOU MAKE AN INTERESTING
DISTINCTION IN YOUR BOOK
ABOUT AMERICANS AND CANADIANS.
AND YOU SAY THAT AMERICAN KIDS
ARE 10 TIMES MORE LIKELY
TO COMMIT A VIOLENT ACT
THAN CANADIAN KIDS.
WHAT KIND OF RESEARCH
HAS GONE ON THERE?
WHY?

Michele says A TON OF RESEARCH HAS GONE ON.
I THINK THE FIRST THING IS,
UNFORTUNATELY,
OUR KIDS HAVE
A HECK OF A LOT EASIER ACCESS
TO GUNS AND WEAPONS.
AND BLESS YOU FOR SAYING "NO."
BUT YOU PUT A WEAPON IN A HAND
OF A CHILD WHO'S MORE VOLATILE,
A CHILD WHO HAS
THOSE DEPRESSIVE SIGNS,
A CHILD WHO'S MORE ANGRY,
WHO DOESN'T HAVE THE BRAKE
SYSTEM FOR SELF CONTROL,
WHO DOESN'T ' HAVE, WHAT I
CALL
A MORAL CORE SAYS THE CONSCIENCE,
THE SELF CONTROL,
OR THE EMPATHY.
WHAT WE FIND IS, FOR INSTANCE,
IN OUR STUDENT SHOOTERS,
THE FASCINATING THING
IS IN ALMOST EVERY CASE,
THOSE KIDS WERE LACKING ONE,
OR TWO OF THOSE,
WHICH MADE THEM
AN ACTUAL TIME BOMB.
AND THEN YOU PUT
A WEAPON IN THEIR HANDS
AND YOU'VE JUST GOT AN EASY
ACCESSIBILITY THAT IS JUST
SAD.

Mary says IS THERE ANYTHING
THAT'S GOING ON THOUGH
BEYOND ACCESSIBILITY TO WEAPONS?

Michele says UM, I THINK THE DEPRESSION.
WE'RE NOT MEETING
OUR KIDS' EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
AND IF YOU DON'T MEET
YOUR KIDS' EMOTIONAL NEEDS,
PRETTY SOON THEY HAVE NOTHING
BUT TO LASH THROUGH.
ONE OF THE OTHER THINGS
THAT'S FUELING IT,
THAT WE'RE REALLY AWARE OF,
OF OUR STUDENT SHOOTINGS,
THEY'VE STUDIED THEM
FOR 40 YEARS,
AND FOUND THE ONLY COMMONALITY
IN 30 STUDENT SHOOTINGS,
WAS EVERY ONE OF THOSE KIDS
HAD BEEN UNMERCIFULLY BULLIED.
FAR MORE FREQUENT AND FAR MORE
INTENSE THAN WE WERE GROWING UP.
AND I WORK A LOT
IN CANADIAN SCHOOLS
AND I KNOW THE SAME THING
IS HAPPENING HERE.
IT'S A SAD SCENARIO.
WE ARE TOLERATING IT
IS WHAT WE'RE DOING.
AND IT'S GOTTA STOP.
BECAUSE IT'S BEING LEARNED
AT AGE THREE, FOUR, AND FIVE.

Mary says AND WHEN YOU SAY
"WE ARE TOLERATING,"
WHO ARE THE 'WE'?

Michele says PARENTS, TEACHERS,
ALL OF US AS ADULTS.
WE'RE ALL VICTIM...
IT'S ALL OF OUR CONSCIENCES
THAT BETTER BE STIRRED UP
AND SAY
IT SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED.
WHY SHOULD ANY CHILD
BE SUBJECTED TO CRUELTY?
ONE OF YOUR VIEWERS
WAS ALREADY SAYING
ABOUT HER POOR
KINDERGARTEN CHILD.
THAT'S A FORM OF BULLYING.
TEASING IS BULLYING.
ANY FORM OF OSTRACIZING A CHILD,
TEASING THEM, BEING UNMERCIFUL.
IT'S NOT JUST THE PUNCHING
AND THE KICKING.
IT'S A PREJUDICIAL SLUR.
IT'S A SNARL.
IT'S ANY OF THAT.
IT'S CRUELTY.
AND IT JUST
CAN'T BE TOLERATED ANY MORE.

Mary says IS IT BEING TOLERATED
PARTLY BECAUSE
PEOPLE STILL ARE
HANGING ONTO THAT OLD NOTION
THAT IT'S A RIGHT OF PASSAGE?

Michele says YES, VERY MUCH.
PARTICULARLY WITH OUR BOYS.
"OH, THEY'LL OUTGROW IT,"
"LET THEM GO; LET THEM BE,"
"THAT'S HOW
THEY HAVE TO GROW UP,"
AND, "THAT'S HOW
THEY'RE GOING TO BE ABLE
TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELF."
NO, THAT'S NOT HOW
THEY STAND UP FOR THEMSELF.
YOU TEACH YOUR CHILD
HOW TO ASSERT THEMSELF,
BUT HOW YOU ASSERT YOURSELF
IS FAIRLY AND RESPECTFULLY.
YOU MAY FIGHT FAIRLY,
BUT YOU CAN'T INSULT BACK.
YOU KNOW WHY?
ONE OF THE THINGS WE DISCOVERED
IN ALL OF OUR WORK
ON VIOLENCE PREVENTION,
IS THE WORST THING A CHILD
CAN DO IN THIS DAY AND AGE,
IS INSULT BACK TO A BULLY,
BECAUSE IT JUST FUELS IT
TO A HIGHER LEVEL.
AND THEN IT'S...
78 PERCENT OF BULLYING
STARTS WITH A VERBAL INSULT.
AS SOON AS YOU
VERBALLY INSULT THE KID BACK,
IT GOES TO THE NEXT LEVEL,
WHICH IS A PHYSICAL INSULT.
AND THE WAY SO MANY OF OUR KIDS
HAVE EASY ACCESS
TO WEAPONS THESE DAYS,
YOU'RE DEALING WITH
A PHYSICAL INJURY TO A CHILD.

Mary says SO THEN, WHAT SHOULD WE...
HOPEFULLY OUR CHILDREN
ARE TALKING TO US ABOUT IT.
WHAT CAN WE,
AS PARENTS, DO THEN
BEFORE IT ESCALATES
AND GETS OUT OF CONTROL?

Michele says THE FIRST THING
WE HAVE TO DO IS LISTEN.
YOU'VE GOTTA LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY AND CALMLY,
WHICH IS THE HARDEST PART.
WHAT YOU'RE LISTENING FOR IS: WHERE IS IT HAPPENING,
WHEN IS IT HAPPENING,
AND WHAT IS MY CHILD DOING.
WHICH IS A TOUGH ONE IN LIFE.
BUT HOW'S HE RESPONDING BACK?
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY HOW HE'S
RESPONDING BACK ISN'T WORKING.
YOU CAN TEACH YOUR CHILD
ASSERTIVE SKILLS.
HERE'S THE C.A.L.M. METHOD
IN THE BOOK.
C-A-L-M.
C IS, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.
YOU'VE GOTTA TELL YOUR CHILD
TO STAY COOL AND CALM
WHENEVER THEY'RE BULLIED,
WHICH IS VERY TOUGH.
AND I'M NOT TALKING PHYSICAL.
I'M TALKING VERBAL.
ANY TIME THERE'S A PHYSICAL...
ANY KIND OF...
LOOKS LIKE YOU COULD BE
PHYSICALLY INJURED,
YOU GET AWAY AS FAST AS POSSIBLE
AND YOU MOVE TO A CROWD,
AN ADULT OR ANOTHER CHILD
BECAUSE YOU'RE SAFER IN A GROUP.
STAY COOL.
THE REASON IS IS THAT
YOU LOOK UPSET, YOU WHINE,
YOU CRY, YOU POUT,
OR YOU INSULT BACK, YOU FUEL THE
BULLY AND THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS.
BULLIES HAVE NO EMPATHY
AND THEY'RE LOOKING
FOR YOU TO GET TICKED OFF.
THE SECOND THING IS
YOU'VE GOTTA TEACH YOUR CHILD
A COMEBACK LINE.
A IS
ASSERT.
ASSERT WITHOUT INSULTING.
WHAT THEY FOUND IN UCLA IS ONE
OF THE BEST WAYS TO DO
IS TAKE THE TEASE OUT OF IT.
THE BULLY SAYS TO YOU,
"YOU LOOK SO STUPID."
"WELL, THANK YOU.
IT'S BEEN A PROBLEM
I'VE HAD FOR QUITE A WHILE.
THANK YOU."
AND YOU TURN AND YOU WALK AWAY.
IT JUST, THEY GET LIKE...
(GRUNTING)
"WELL, NOW WHAT DO I DO?"
YOU'RE NOT SO LIKELY
TO BE TARGETED AGAIN.
YOUNG KIDS...

Mary says SO, WHEN YOU SAY
A COMEBACK LINE...
NOW, SEE THAT'S INTERESTING.
'CAUSE BASICALLY WHAT YOU DID IS
YOU AGREED WITH THE BULLY.

Michele says YOU CAN AGREE.
THAT'S ONE WAY YOU CAN DO IT.
THAT'S ONE WAY.
FASCINATING ENOUGH,
IT'S NOT LIKE...
AND YOU'VE GOTTA PROTECT
YOUR CHILD'S SELF ESTEEM.
WHEN YOU SAY,
"OH, MY GOSH!
THAT'S JUST GONNA
DERAIL HIS SELF ESTEEM."
WHICH IS WORSE?
THE BULLYING, OR THE SELF
ESTEEM, OR THE INJURY?
YOU CAN ALSO DO AN EMOTIONAL
SHRUG THAT GOES, "SO?"
DON'T AGREE.
TURN AND WALK.
THERE'S LOTS
OF DIFFERENT COMEBACK LINES.
THE KEY IN LIFE IS TO IDENTIFY
YOUR CHILD'S TEMPERAMENT,
WHAT WORKS FOR YOUR CHILD.
AND KEEP REHEARSING IT,
OVER AND OVER AGAIN,
'TIL YOUR CHILD
FINALLY FEELS COMFORTABLE
USING IT WITH THE BULLY.
THE L AND M ACTUALLY
ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
HOW YOU STAND WITH YOUR POSTURE
IS ALMOST ALWAYS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN WHAT YOU SAY
WITH YOUR WORDS.
VICTIMS, KIDS WHO ARE MORE
LIKELY TO BE BULLIED LOOK WIMPY,
OR THEY STAND WITH THEIR HEAD
DOWN, OR THEY LOOK UPSET,
OR THEY INSULT BACK.
YOU'VE GOTTA
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH.
THE TRICK, THE L IS,
LOOK 'EM IN THE EYE.
THAT SIMPLY MEANS
GET YOUR HEAD UP.
DON'T PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN.
AND M IS
MEAN IT.
SAY IT WITH A FIRM VOICE.
DON'T CRY OR POUT,
BUT MEAN IT.
THEN TURN AND WALK.
IT USUALLY DOESN'T WORK
THE FIRST TIME.
BUT IF YOU DO IT A NUMBER OF
TIMES YOU NIP IT IN THE BUD.
WHICH IS THE SECRET TO BULLYING.
WE'RE NOT TEACHING OUR KIDS
A REPERTOIRE OF STRATEGIES
THEY CAN USE.
IF YOU NIP IT IN THE BUD,
THE BULLY GOES,
"OH, I'M PICKING ON
ANOTHER KID."
WHICH USUALLY IS WHAT HAPPENS.

Mary says MM, OKAY, LET'S TAKE
ANOTHER CALL HERE.
WE'VE GOT CAROL
ON THE LINE FROM NAPANEE.
HI, CAROL.

The Caller says HI, GOOD AFTERNOON.

Mary says HELLO.

The Caller says THIS IS AN EXCELLENT PROGRAM.

Mary says GREAT, GLAD YOU ENJOY IT.

The Caller says I'M WONDERING ABOUT
HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU'VE OVERWHELMED
YOUR CHILDREN,
TOO MANY DIRECTIVES
ALL AT ONCE,
LIKE A CONSTANT BOMBARDMENT.

Michele says YES.

The Caller says IN THE BEGINNING,
DO YOU LET SOME THINGS SLIDE
TO CONCENTRATE ON
THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUES?
OR WHERE DO YOU START?

Michele says I THINK THE MOST IMPORTANT THING
YOU CAN DO TO HAVE A MORE
ORGANIZED, HARMONIOUS LIFE
IS GET RID OF ONE THING.
JUST GETTING ONE THING WOULD
MAKE YOUR WORLD SO MUCH EASIER.
THE SECOND THING
IS WATCH YOUR CHILD.
YOU'VE REALLY GOTTA TUNE INTO
YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
DO LET HIM SEE YOU'RE WATCHING.
PUT THE NEWSPAPER
IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.
BUT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR STRESS.
YOU'RE LOOKING FOR: CAN THEY SLEEP WELL?
OR, YOU'RE LOOKING FOR
ALL OF A SUDDEN
THEY'RE STARTING TO ACT OUT.
OR THEY'RE STARTING
TO TALK BACK.
OR THEY'RE STARTING TO LOOK
LIKE THEY'RE TENSE LIKE THIS.
AND THEN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO
IS SIMPLY SIT
AND SAY TO YOUR CHILD,
"WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?
WHAT DO YOU ENJOY DOING?
AND WHAT DO YOU
NOT ENJOY DOING?"
AND REALIZE THAT
AT THE END WHAT YOU WANT
IS JUST A CHILD WHO'S BALANCED
AND HAPPY AND MORE CONTENT.
AND THAT'S REALLY,
I THINK, THE SECRET.
JUST TUNE IN, BECAUSE WATCHING
YOUR CHILD REALLY CAREFUL,
YOU ALMOST ALWAYS
SEE THE PATTERN.
I THINK WHAT WE DON'T DO
NEARLY ENOUGH IS JUST OBSERVE.
YEP.

Mary says YEAH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.
I'M GOING TO READ
THIS E-MAIL HERE.
WE'VE GOT
AN INTERESTING QUESTION.
"OKAY, WHAT ABOUT OTHER ADULTS
WHO TREAT CHILDREN LIKE DIRT?
AS A PARENT OF A TEENAGE BOY,
I'M APPALLED AT HOW OFTEN
HE'S TREATED WITH DISRESPECT
BY ADULTS, OFTEN MALES.
I'M AMAZED AT HOW MANY ADULTS
ASSUME THAT HE'S EITHER
A LIAR, A THIEF,
OR SOME KIND OF HOOLIGAN
THAT IS A THREAT TO THEM
PERSONALLY OR THEIR PROPERTY.
HE'S HAD A HOSE
TURNED ON HIM BY A HOMEOWNER
WHO DIDN'T LIKE THE FACT
THAT A GANG OF KIDS
WERE SITTING ON THE CURB
IN FRONT OF HIS HOUSE.
THIS PERSON DIDN'T ASK
THESE KIDS TO MOVE ALONG.
HE JUST SPRAYED THEM WITH WATER.
MY SON WAS LIVID
AT THE INCIDENT.
HOW DO YOU TEACH A CHILD
TO ASSERT YOURSELF FAIRLY
AGAINST THESE
TEEN-PHOBIC ADULTS?
IT'S OFTEN A RELATIONSHIP
WITH AN UNEVEN POWER BALANCE."

Michele says OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS SO, SO TIMELY, BECAUSE
I'M SEEING SO MANY ADULTS
WHO ARE SO ANTI-TEEN.
IT'S REALLY, IT'S A TOUGH ISSUE.
FIRST THING IS, I WOULD REALLY,
STRONGLY LET YOUR CHILD KNOW
HOW MUCH YOU BELIEVE IN HIM,
HOW MUCH YOU ADMIRE
THAT HE COULD KEEP HIS COOL,
AND YOU DON'T BLAME HIM
FOR BEING LIVID
BECAUSE HE WAS TREATED UNFAIRLY.
SECOND OF ALL,
IT'S A GREAT TEACHABLE MOMENT.
BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO LEARN,
IN LIFE, YOU'RE NOT
ALWAYS TREATED FAIRLY,
BUT IT'S HOW YOU COPE AND STAY
CALM IS HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT.
THE KEY TO FIGHTING FAIRLY
IS YOU HAVE TO FOCUS
JUST ON THE BEHAVIOUR
THAT YOU'RE UP AGAINST.
WHAT WE USUALLY DO THAT
GETS US ALWAYS INTO TROUBLE,
IS WE INSULT,
EVEN AS ADULTS, BACK.
STAY FOCUSED ON THE BEHAVIOUR.
ASSERT YOURSELF
AND USE AN "I MESSAGE."
"I'M REALLY UPSET
THAT YOU DID THAT BECAUSE..."
THAT'S THE "I MESSAGE."
AND THEN YOU HAVE
TO
REMAIN
F.A.I.R.LY
SO YOU FIGHT F.A.I.R.LY
BY
FOCUSING
IN ON WHAT'S
BOTHERING YOU SAYS THE BEHAVIOUR.
A IS YOU
ASSERT
YOURSELF.
I IS, USE AN
"I MESSAGE."
TO TELL THE PERSON
WHAT YOU DIDN'T LIKE,
BUT DON'T INSULT BACK.
BUT R IS
YOU MUST
REMAIN
RESPECTFULLY.
AND THE OTHER THING IS I REALLY
WOULD CAUTION PARENTS THAT,
YOU KNOW,
WE'RE NOT THE ONLY ONES
WHO ARE DEALING WITH OUR KIDS.
YOU DO HAVE INFLUENCE
OVER YOUR CHILDREN,
BUT THEY'RE DEALING WITH
BABYSITTERS, DAYCARE WORKERS,
COACHES, TEACHERS.
AND SOME OF THOSE
YOU HAVE SOME POWER OVER.
SO I'D STRONGLY RECOMMEND,
THAT IF YOU HAVE YOUR CHILD
IN DAYCARE, YOU WALK IN,
AND SAY TO YOURSELF...
NUMBER ONE QUESTION
IS NOT THE CURRICULUM.
BUT INSTEAD,
"DO I LIKE HOW THE ADULTS
ARE TREATING THE OTHER KIDS?"
BECAUSE THAT'S THE ENVIRONMENT
I WANT MY CHILD TO BE RAISED IN.

Mary says NOW IN THIS CASE,
IT'S A TEEN BOY.

Michele says YES.

Mary says CAN SPEAK FOR HIMSELF.

Michele says YES.

Mary says WHAT WOULD YOU RECOMMEND
THAT THIS TEEN DO THOUGH?
IN FUTURE, YOU KNOW, SITUATIONS.

Michele says THE SAME THING.
FIRST OF ALL, IF HE FEELS
CONFIDENTLY ENOUGH,
HE CAN GO UP TO
THE NEIGHBOUR AND SAY IT.
IF HE DOESN'T FEEL
CONFIDENTLY ENOUGH,
ANOTHER ADULT
CAN GO WITH HIM, AND SAY,
"I'M CONCERNED
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
BECAUSE I THINK YOU'VE
TREATED MY CHILD UNFAIRLY
AND YOU NEED TO HEAR HIS SIDE."
SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO BE THE ONE
TO LAY THE GROUNDWORK
BECAUSE IF HE GOES AND KNOCKS
ON THE DOOR ALL BY HIMSELF,
HE MAY GET THE HOSE
SQUIRTED AT HIM AGAIN,
OR SOMETHING ELSE EVEN WORSE.
BUT SIMPLY,
IT'S JUST AN UNJUST SITUATION
THAT WE REALLY NEED TO TAKE
CONTROL OVER SOMETIMES.

Mary says OKAY.

Michele says IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT?
THERE'S A LOT
OF SITUATIONS LIKE THAT.

Mary says LET'S TAKE ANOTHER CALL HERE.
WE'VE GOT TAMMY
ON THE LINE FROM WELLAND.
HI, TAMMY.

The Caller says HI.

Mary says GO AHEAD.

The Caller says OKAY, MY QUESTION IS
I'VE OFTEN HEARD
HOME ENVIRONMENT IS THE KEY
AND CRUCIAL TO HOW
OUR CHILDREN WILL DEVELOP.
I HAVE A REAL CONCERN
WITH NINTENDO GAMES,
THINGS LIKE PLAYSTATIONS,
MOVIES WITH VIOLENT THEMES,
MUSIC WITH SWEARING
AND NEGATIVE MESSAGES.
I WAS WONDERING
HOW MUCH THESE ACTIVITIES
INCREASE AGGRESSIVENESS
AND VIOLENT AND NEGATIVE
BEHAVIOUR IN CHILDREN.
SHOULD WE EVEN, LIKE,
LIMIT OR OMIT?
LIKE, I HAVE A SON
THAT VERY MUCH WANTS
ONE OF THESE NINTENDO GAMES
AND I'M REALLY, REALLY,
NOT WANTING TO GET IT
BECAUSE I FEAR THAT IT WOULD
HAVE SUCH A NEGATIVE EFFECT
ON HIS DOING HOMEWORK.
AND, UM, I'M JUST, I THINK THEY
ALSO PROMOTE SOME SOLITUDE
AND THEY DON'T PROMOTE GOOD
SELF ESTEEM AND YOU'RE VERY...
DO YOU HAVE A FEELING
ON THESE GAMES?
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
GROW UP WITH THEM.

Michele says YEAH, OH, I DO.
THE FIRST THING IS YOU'VE
GOTTA GO WITH YOUR FEELING.
HERE'S WHAT I CAN TELL YOU
WHAT THE RESEARCH SAYS.
THERE'S BEEN OVER A THOUSAND
STUDIES BY THE SURGEON GENERAL
WHO'S CLEARLY SAID
THERE IS A CORRELATION.
A CORRELATION,
DOESN'T MEAN A CAUSE,
BETWEEN AGGRESSIVE,
VIOLENT MOVIES
AND AGGRESSIVE,
VIOLENT NINTENDO GAMES
WITH PARTICULARLY CHILDREN
WHO DON'T HAVE THE SELF CONTROL
AND ARE
MORE AGGRESSIVE THEMSELF.
SO, MY FIRST THING IS: WATCH YOUR CHILD.
SECOND OF ALL, NINTENDO GAMES,
THERE'S A WHOLE RANGE OF THEM.
SO THERE ARE SOME
REALLY GOOD ONES
THAT ARE GREAT
FOR EYE HAND COORDINATION,
FABULOUS FOR CONCENTRATION,
GOOD FOR MEMORY SKILLS.
HERE'S ONE OTHER THING
ABOUT NINTENDO GAMES
THAT ARE INTERESTING.
THEY'VE DONE STUDIES THAT,
UM, DURING THE VIETNAM WAR,
OUR SOLDIERS HAD
A VERY TOUGH TIME SHOOTING AT...
GOING IN AS SOLDIERS, BECAUSE
THEY COULDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.
WHAT THEY DID IN THE ARMY
IS THEY DISCOVERED
WHAT THEY WERE DOING WRONG, IS
THAT THEY HAD JUST THE TARGET,
LIKE THE BULLSEYE.
WHEN THEY CHANGED THE TARGET OF
THE BULLSEYE TO A HUMAN FIGURE,
SOLDIERS NO LONGER HAD A PROBLEM
WHEN THEY WENT INTO BATTLE.
NOW, WHAT THEY'VE ALSO...

Mary says THAT'S KIND OF SCARY TOO
IN ANOTHER SENSE.

Michele says IT'S VERY SCARY BECAUSE
WHAT THEY'VE ALSO DID
IS THEY CHANGED IT
SO THAT THE VIDEOGAMES,
VERY SIMILAR
TO MIRRORING NINTENDO GAMES,
WERE WHAT THEY USED
FOR TRIGGER PRACTICE.
NOW, IT'S EXACTLY
THE SAME SCENARIO.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE VERY,
VERY CAREFUL.
NUMBER TWO IS
YOU'VE GOTTA BE ABLE TO SAY
YOUR BOUNDARIES IN YOUR HOME.
THIS IS WHEN
YOU CAN PLAY NINTENDO.
THIS IS WHEN
YOU CAN'T PLAY NINTENDO.
HOMEWORK COMES FIRST
IF THAT'S YOUR RULE,
AND YOU'VE GOTTA STAND WITH IT.
AND IF THEY CONTINUE TO DO IT,
THEN THE NINTENDO IS REMOVED
FROM THEM AS THE CONSEQUENCE.
AND I'D SURE LISTEN
TO MUSICAL LYRICS
VERY CAREFULLY WITH YOUR CHILD.
I WOULD REALLY LISTEN TO THEM
AND SET YOUR BOUNDARIES.
THE BEST THING NOW IS MOST
MUSICAL LYRICS, NINTENDO GAMES,
AND MOVIES DO HAVE
RATINGS ON THEM.
SO, IF YOU'RE AWARE
OF THOSE RATINGS,
IT'S A GODSEND TO A PARENT,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHICH ONES ARE
ACCEPTABLE AND WHICH AREN'T.

Mary says I HEAR THIS CONCERN
FROM SO MANY PARENTS
AND OF COURSE IT EXTENDS NOT
JUST WITH VIDEOGAMES AND MUSIC,
BUT TOYS EVEN.

Michele says YES.

Mary says WHEN THEIR CHILD
JUST GETS INTO TOY GUYS.
DO WE ALLOW THAT?
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW,
BEYOND THAT OF COURSE
IS YOUR HOME CAN BE
A PROTECTED ENVIRONMENT.
ONCE THAT CHILD
STARTS GOING TO OTHER HOMES,
YOU CAN'T DICTATE WHAT
THEY'RE GOING TO PLAY WITH,
OR, YOU KNOW,
WHAT THEY'RE EXPOSED TO.

Michele says THAT'S THE WHOLE SECRET
TO WHY MORAL INTELLIGENCE
IS SO, SO CRITICAL.
FOR THE LONGEST TIME
I WENT INTO...
HOW THIS ALL CAME TO BE IS
I WAS WORKING IN HIGH SCHOOLS.
I WAS WORKING,
FOR INSTANCE, IN COLUMBINE.
AND AFTER COLUMBINE, I'D GO IN
AND I'D BEGIN TO SEE A TREND
IN ALMOST EVERY HIGH SCHOOL.
THEY'D PUT UP THE BARBED WIRE
FENCES, THE METAL DETECTORS,
AND THE SECURITY GUARDS.
AND I BEGAN TO SEE IT OVER
AND OVER AGAIN.
AND I'D SAY,
"SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
DIFFERENTLY ON THE INSIDE?"
WE AS PARENTS CAN'T PROTECT OUR
KIDS BY ALWAYS HOLDING THEM IN.
THEY'RE GOING TO BE GOING OUT
AND OUR WHOLE GOAL
IS TO RAISE
AN INDEPENDENT HUMAN BEING.
WHAT MORAL I.Q. AND INTELLIGENCE
DOES IS THE BEST PROTECTION
IS TO INOCULATE
YOUR KIDS ON THE INSIDE
SO THEY KNOW
WHAT'S RIGHT AND WRONG.
AND THEY'LL BE ABLE TO SAY,
"NO, MY PARENTS WON'T LET ME
WATCH THAT BECAUSE..."
AND I'VE SEEN
THIS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
I'VE HEARD KIDS SAY IT.
AND IT'S A WONDERFUL SCENARIO.
BUT THEY'VE GOT THAT INTERNAL
BELIEF BECAUSE THE PARENTS
HAVE REALLY LAID DOWN
THAT BELIEF AND THAT CONVICTION.

Mary says MM-HM, OKAY, ONE MORE CALL HERE.
WE'VE GOT NICOLE
ON THE LINE FROM CAMBRIDGE.
HI, NICOLE.

The Caller says HI, HOW ARE YOU?

The Caller says FINE, THANKS.

Mary says GO AHEAD.

The Caller says GOOD, I'VE BEEN LISTENING
TO YOUR SHOW AND, UM,
I THINK THE TOPIC IS WONDERFUL
AND DURING
THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT MY SON.
I HAVE A NINE YEAR OLD BOY
AND HE IS
A BIT DIFFICULT TO DESCRIBE,
BUT HE IS NOT AGGRESSIVE
BY ANY MEANS.
HE WOULD BE
THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE.
HE'S ONE OF THE TYPES OF
CHILDREN WHO WOULD WITHDRAW.
AND HE KEEPS EVERYTHING INSIDE,
VERY, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE
AND NERVOUS
AROUND FAMILY MEMBERS,
NOT IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS.
GRANDPARENTS,
DOESN'T MAKE EYE CONTACT,
DOESN'T WANNA SAY "HI,"
ALMOST EXTREMELY SHY.
SO, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WE'VE
HAD THIS DISCUSSION WITH HIM,
VERY, VERY NICELY,
I DON'T WANNA UPSET HIM ABOUT
HOW IMPORTANT IT IS
TO AT LEAST SAY "HI,"
SAY "BYE," SAY "THANK YOU,"
AND HOW THAT WILL
MAKE THEIR DAY.
AND JUST THIS WEEKEND WE WERE
VISITING HIS GREAT-GRANDPARENTS
AND THEY WANTED
TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM.
AND HE BECAME SO STRESSED.
AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
A NINE YEAR OLD BOY HERE,
HE JUST BURST OUT IN TEARS.

Michele says AW.

The Caller says AND, HE DOES HAVE A.D.D. ALSO,
BUT INATTENTIVE TYPE.
SO HE'S NOT HYPERACTIVE.
I GET POSITIVE FEEDBACK
FROM THE SCHOOL
SAYING HE'S VERY COMPLIANT.
SO BEHAVIOUR'S
NOT REALLY AN ISSUE,
EXCEPT AT HOME,
OF COURSE, THAT HAPPENS.
HE'LL CHALLENGE MOM AND DAD.
BUT AS A RULE...
I AM A LITTLE BIT
AFRAID DOWN THE ROAD
ABOUT THIS WHOLE IDEA OF
MORAL INTELLIGENCE WITH MY SON
BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
SEEM TO REALLY UNDERSTAND
HOW THAT
IMPACTS PEOPLE'S FEELINGS,
EMPATHY, UM, AT ALL.

Mary says OKAY, LET'S ASK MICHELE.

Michele says OKAY, NUMBER ONE,
IS THAT YOUR GOAL IS NOT TO...
YOU CAN'T CHANGE
YOUR CHILD'S BASIC TEMPERAMENT.
BUT YOU SURE CAN MAKE THEM
MORE COMFORTABLE IN LIFE.
THERE'S A COUPLE
OF POINTS ON SHYNESS
THAT YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF.
OF ALL THE BIOLOGICALLY
PRE-DETERMINED TRAITS,
SHYNESS IS THERE.
BUT WHETHER OR NOT
A CHILD REALLY BECOMES SHY
IS WHETHER OR NOT
WE LABEL THEM SHY.
BE VERY CAREFUL NOT TO USE
THE TERM SHY AROUND YOUR CHILD
BECAUSE IT'S
THE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY.
STANFORD HAS PROVEN THAT.
NUMBER TWO, YOU CAN TEACH
YOUR CHILD EYE CONTACT.
THAT'S ONE THING
I WOULD REALLY ENFORCE.
IT'S ONE OF THE SKILLS THAT
MORE, WELL, POPULAR KIDS USE
AND MORE CONFIDENT KIDS USE.
AND ALL OF THE ASSERTIVE SKILLS
THAT WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT,
YOU'VE GOTTA
LOOK THE PERSON IN THE EYE.
SO I WOULD JUST SIMPLY MAKE
A RULE FOR THE NEXT 21 DAYS,
OF EVERY TIME YOU TALK,
"NO, NO, NO.
LET'S USE EYEBALL TO EYEBALL.
LOOK AT ME IN YOUR EYE
WHEN WE'RE TALKING.
AND REALLY INCREASE THAT.
AND THEN FINALLY, THE LAST ONE
IN TERMS OF THE SOCIAL SKILLS,
IT'S ALWAYS BEST
TO REHEARSE THEM.
NOT TO LECTURE THEM
OR TALK ABOUT THEM,
BUT ACTUALLY ROLE PLAY THEM OUT.
LIKE, "YOU GO TO FRONT DOOR,
KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
AND PRETEND I'M GRANDPA."
NOW, THE SON COMES TO THE DOOR.
HOW WOULD HE RESPOND?
BECAUSE THEN THEY FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE IN THE REAL WORLD
WHEN GRANDPA DOES COME.
A ONE TIME LECTURE
NEVER WORKS, MARY.
IT'S REHEARSING IT
OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
YOU TARGET ONE SKILL
AND YOU KEEP REHEARSING IT
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
UNTIL YOUR CHILD
FEELS COMFORTABLE USING IT.

Mary says OKAY, NOW, WE ONLY HAVE
ABOUT A MINUTE LEFT, BUT,
WE'VE TALKED SO MUCH
ABOUT VERBAL, RIGHT?

Michele says YES.

Mary says VERBALLY, WHAT CAN WE DO?
BUT NON-VERBAL
YOU SAY IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT.
FOR CHILDREN
TO PICK UP NON-VERBAL CUES.
CAN YOU JUST SPEND, BRIEFLY,
A LITTLE BIT OF TIME ON THAT?

Michele says WELL, THE THING IN LIFE IS THAT,
HOW CAN YOU BE
EMPATHIC WITH SOMEONE
AND REALIZE THAT THEY NEED SOME
TIME UNLESS YOU CAN PICK UP... THEY LOOK TIRED,
THEY'RE STARTING
TO LOOK STRESSED,
"BETTER NOT SAY THAT 'CAUSE
DAD'S GOT THAT LOOK IN HIS EYE."
IT'S NOT JUST THE WORDS WE SAY.
BUT HELP YOUR CHILD LEARN
TO TUNE INTO THE EMOTIONS.
ONE OF THE FASTEST WAYS
TO DO THAT
IS WATCH TV WITH YOUR CHILD,
BUT TURN THE SOUND OFF.
AND JUST SIMPLY SAY, "HOW DO YOU
THINK SHE'S FEELING?
LOOK AT HER FACE THERE."
IT'S A GREAT WAY
TO JUST HELP YOUR CHILD
TUNE INTO
THE EMOTIONS OF OTHERS,
BY WATCHING THEM WITHOUT SOUND.
AND IT'S FUN.

Mary says AND WITH,
STILL ON THE TOPIC OF EMPATHY,
WHAT IS THE ACRONYM, T.A.L.K.?

Michele says T-A-L-K, WHENEVER
YOU ARE DEALING IN A CRISIS.
T.A.L.K. IS T,
TUNE
INTO
YOUR CHILD'S EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
WATCH THEM CAREFULLY.
FOR INSTANCE,
THE CRISIS ON SEPTEMBER 11TH,
OR ANY NEW ONE COMING UP,
WATCH THEM.
THE A IS
ASSURE
THEM
THAT THEY ARE SAFE.
THAT PEOPLE ARE DOING
EVERYTHING THEY POSSIBLY CAN
TO ASSURE THEM THEY'RE SAFE.
L IS
LISTEN.
LISTEN OFTEN.
AND LISTEN MORE,
AND MORE, AND MORE.
LISTEN TO WHERE
THEY'RE COMING FROM
BECAUSE TOO OFTEN WHAT'S
HAPPENING WITH OUR KIDS
IS THEY'RE PICKING UP
MISINTERPRETATIONS
AND IT'S FUELING FEARS.
IF YOU CAN TALK IT OUT,
NIGHTMARES DON'T COME.
KIDS CAN TALK IT THROUGH.
THE K IS
KINDLE
EMPATHY.
KINDLE EMPATHY.
WHEN ANY TIME YOU SEE SOMEONE,
FOR INSTANCE,
YOU CAN SEE THE FIREFIGHTERS,
OR YOUR RESCUERS GOING OFF.
"HOW DO THEY LOOK?"
"OH, THEY LOOK SO SAD."
"YEAH, THEY DO."
I SAW A DAYCARE WORKER DO THIS
WITH A FIVE-YEAR-OLD
THE OTHER DAY.
"YEAH, THEY DO."
"HOW DO YOU THINK THEY FEEL?"
"OH, THEY MUST BE SO LONELY,"
SAYS THIS LITTLE BOY.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY NEED?"
HE RUNS AND GRABS HIS TEDDY BEAR
FROM HIS CUBBY, GIVES IT TO HER,
AND SAYS, "MAIL IT TO THEM.
THAT'S WHAT THEY NEED."

Mary says THANK YOU.

Michele says YOU'RE WELCOME.

Mary says GREAT INFORMATION, MICHELE.

Michele says THANK YOU.

Mary says SO, WE'LL TALK
AND WE'LL USE T.A.L.K.

BOTH say T-A-L-K.

Mary says OKAY, MICHELE BORBA IS
THE AUTHOR OF
MORAL INTELLIGENCE
THE SEVEN ESSENTIAL VIRTUES
THAT TEACH KIDS
TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
IT'S PUBLISHED BY JOSSEY-BASS.
AND CONGRATULATIONS
TO OUR WINNERS... JULIE IN NIAGARA FALLS,
ANNE IN AURORA,
MEI IN OAKVILLE,
CAROL IN NAPANEE.
AND WE HAVE A CONSOLATION PRIZE.
IT'S SOMETHING
WE OCCASIONALLY DO
WHEN OUR LINES ARE SWAMPED,
LIKE THEY WERE TODAY.
WE'RE SENDING A BOOK
TO JOANNE IN THE OTTAWA VALLEY
FOR HANGING ON SO LONG.
NOW, IF YOU'RE A MOM WITH A JOB,
YOU'RE PROBABLY NO STRANGER
TO THE GUILTY FEELING
THAT YOU'RE NOT SPENDING
ENOUGH TIME WITH YOUR KIDS.
WE JUST SPOKE ABOUT THAT.
BUT YOU NEED TO EARN AN INCOME.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL, THERE ARE
OPTIONS OUT THERE.
IN THE FIRST PART
OF A THREE PART SERIES,
ON MOMS WITH JOBS, WE PROFILE KELLY KENNEDY-MOORE. THE MOTHER OF TWO WORKS HALF-TIME
IN A JOB SHARE PROGRAM.
IT'S A CONCEPT
SHE PIONEERED AT SEARS CANADA.

A clip plays on screen in which a young boy picks up a letter noodle with a fork and says WHAT IS THIS ONE CALLED?

A female voice says THAT ONE'S A ZED.

The boy happily says ZED!
I GOT A ZED!

The female voice says ASK FERGUS WHAT STARTS WITH ZED.

The boy says WHAT STARTS WITH ZED?

Another boy says ZIPPER, ZACHARY, AND ZEBRA.

The woman sitting at the table with the boys is in her forties, with short red hair.

She says ABOUT FIVE AND A HALF YEARS AGO
WHEN I REALIZED I WAS PREGNANT
WITH MY FIRST SON, UM,
I STARTED TO THINK
OF THE POSSIBILITIES
WHAT I WAS GONNA DO
AFTER HE WAS BORN.
AND AT THAT POINT,
I THOUGHT I HAD TWO CHOICES.
ONE WAS TO STAY HOME
FULL-TIME WITH HIM,
OR TO ARRANGE
SOME DAYCARE AND WORK FULL-TIME.
AND I HAD A GOOD FRIEND WHO
WORKS WITH ME AT SEARS HERE
AND SHE WAS ALSO PREGNANT
AND SHE WAS DUE FIVE WEEKS
BEFORE I WAS.

A caption appears on screen. It reads "Kelly Kennedy-Moore."

Kelly continues AND WE'D BEEN TALKING
ABOUT IT AND KIND OF
WEIGHING OUT THE OPTIONS.
AND A FRIEND OF HERS IS A NURSE.
AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW,
YOU GUYS SHOULD JOB SHARE."
AND, UM, WE HAD NEVER CONSIDERED
THE POSSIBILITY BEFORE,
SO WE GOT REALLY EXCITED.
AND THE FIRST THING WE DID
WAS WE JUST WENT IN
AND GOT AN INITIAL REACTION
FROM OUR MANAGER AT THE TIME
AND SAID, "WOULD YOU BE OPEN
TO A SITUATION LIKE THIS?
AND IF YOU WOULD BE,
THEN WE WANNA PUT TOGETHER
A FULL PROPOSAL."
AND THAT'S WHAT WE DID.

Now Kelly steps into a meeting room and a woma says GOOD MORNING.

Kelly says HI, MARILYN.
HOW ARE YOU?

The woman says GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

Kelly says GOOD.

At her interview she says I THINK ONE OF THE REASONS
OUR PROPOSAL WAS A SUCCESS
WAS BECAUSE WE DIDN'T LEAVE
ANYTHING OPEN TO CHANCE.
WE TRIED TO FIGURE OUT,
"WHAT ARE THE COMMON QUESTIONS
THAT OUR EMPLOYER'S GONNA HAVE?"
AND, "WHAT IS THE ANSWER
TO THOSE QUESTIONS?"
SO IN OUR PACKAGE, WE HAD
QUESTIONS, WE HAD ANSWERS.
WE ALSO HAD RECOMMENDATIONS ON
WHO WOULD COVER OUR JOBS
WHILE WE'RE ON MATERNITY LEAVE
AND WHO WOULD FILL
THE VACANT SPOT THAT WAS LEFT
WHEN WE MERGED
OUR TWO JOBS TOGETHER.
THE UNIQUE ASPECT
OF OUR PARTICULAR JOB SHARE,
THE FIRST JOB SHARE I WAS IN,
BECAUSE I'M ACTUALLY
IN MY SECOND JOB SHARE,
WAS THAT BECAUSE WE WERE BOTH
PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME
AND OUR BABIES WERE BORN WITHIN
FIVE WEEKS OF EACH OTHER,
WE DIDN'T INCUR
ANY CHILDCARE EXPENSES
BECAUSE WE TOOK CARE
OF EACH OTHER'S CHILDREN.
AND THAT WAS PHENOMENAL
BECAUSE I COULD GO BACK TO WORK
KNOWING THAT MY CHILD
WAS IN GOOD HANDS
AND ALSO, ECONOMICALLY,
IT WORKED OUT.
WHEN YOU ENTER INTO
A JOB SHARE SITUATION,
YOU HAVE TO BE PREPARED,
BUT OF COURSE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE MAKING
THE MONEY YOU WERE PRIOR.
BUT TO ME, THE BENEFITS FAR
OUTWEIGH ANY CUT IN SALARY
THAT I WOULD HAVE, SO I MEAN,
I'M ABLE TO SPEND
FAR MORE TIME WITH MY KIDS
AND THEN I BUDGET
A LITTLE BIT MORE,
THAN PERHAPS I DID IN THE PAST.
SO A LOT OF PEOPLE
HAVE COME UP TO ME AND SAID,
"WOW, I WOULD LOVE TO WORK
THE HOURS THAT YOU WORK!"
AND I SAY, "BUT REMEMBER, YOU
ONLY GET PAID HALF THE SALARY."
AND FOR MOST PEOPLE
THAT'S ENOUGH TO SAY,
"HM, MAYBE ANOTHER TIME."

As she sits at the table with Marilyn, Kelly says
ALL RIGHT, SO WE'RE DOING
JANUARY WEEK TWO, LESLIE?

A woman says YES, YEP.

KELLY continues THE JOB I'M IN RIGHT NOW
IS CALLED A CLIENT
SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE,
SO MY PRIMARY FUNCTION
IS COMMUNICATING.
AND I COMMUNICATE TO MARKETERS,
GET INFORMATION FROM THEM,
AND I COMMUNICATE THEIR NEEDS
TO THE STUDIO THAT WE DEAL WITH
WHO PRODUCES
MOST OF OUR ADVERTISING
AND I WORK WITH
AN INTERNAL CREATIVE DEPARTMENT.

At the meeting she says OKAY.

KELLY continues THE WAY WE WORK IS
I WORK FIVE DAYS ON
AND THEN I'M OFF FOR FIVE DAYS.
SO ONE WEEK I'LL WORK
THURSDAY, FRIDAY.
THE NEXT WEEK I'LL WORK
MONDAY, TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY.
SO THURSDAY IS WHAT
WE CALL OUR HAND-OFF DAY.
AND WHEN YOU COME IN
THURSDAY MORNING,
THERE WILL BE
A LIST OF PRIORITIES.
GENERALLY,
IT'S A THREE PAGE DOCUMENT
AND THEN WE HAVE A PHONE CALL.
WE SAY, "HEY, HOW ARE YOU?
HOW WAS YOUR WEEK?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANNA
FLESH OUT A LITTLE BIT
THAT YOU COULDN'T
NECESSARILY PUT IN THE NOTES?"
AND THEN YOU'RE SET
FOR THE WEEK.

A colour picture shows Kelly holding a newborn baby and a toddler as a man poses next to them smiling.

Kelly says WHEN I GOT PREGNANT
WITH MY SECOND SON, OWEN,
MY JOB SHARE PARTNER,
AT THE TIME, LYNN,
WAS NOT IN A SITUATION TO
CONTINUE WORKING PART-TIME.
SO, AMAZINGLY ENOUGH,
SEARS WAS ABLE TO FIND
THE JOB SHARE PARTNER FOR ME.

Standing in a backyard with two boys, she says WE'RE GONNA PUT
LITTLE MITTS ON THEM.

One of the boys says HERE, MOMMY.

She says OKAY.

KELLY continues THIS TIME AROUND,
I DO INCUR CHILDCARE COSTS.
BUT, WHEN WE SAT DOWN,
MY HUSBAND AND I SAT DOWN
BEFORE I CAME BACK TO WORK
AND WE DID ALL THE BUDGETING
AND EVERYTHING
AND WE FIGURED THAT WE COULD
STILL AFFORD THE CHILDCARE.

In the backyard as she assembles a scarecrow, she says OKAY, LET'S PUT
THE BODY UP HERE.

KELLY continues MOST DAYCARES
DO NOT TAKE KIDS PART-TIME.
SEVERAL THAT I CALLED
TOLD ME THAT
I COULD HAVE A PART-TIME SPOT
AS LONG AS I WAS WILLING
TO PAY FULL-TIME.
AND THAT WASN'T
IN THE CARDS FOR ME.
SO I WAS ACTUALLY
REALLY LUCKY TO FIND A DAYCARE
THAT IS COMPLETELY FLEXIBLE.

She hugs the boys facing the finished scarecrow and says OKAY, NOW LET'S LOOK
AND SEE WHAT WE DID.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DID WE DO A GOOD JOB?

The blond boy says YEAH!

The dark-haired boy says YAY!

Kelly continues I DEFINITELY WANTED
TO WORK PART-TIME.
I KNEW THAT THAT WAS
A REALLY GOOD BALANCE FOR ME.
I FIND THAT
AFTER FIVE DAYS OF WORK,
MY ENTHUSIASM TO COME HOME AND
PLAY WITH THE KIDS HAS PEAKED.
AND I'M READY
TO COME HOME AND SAY,
"OKAY, WHO WANTS TO GO
TO RIVERDALE FARM?"
AND THEN
AFTER FIVE DAYS AT HOME,
I'M READY TO COME BACK AND HAVE
SOME ADULT INTERACTION AS WELL.

At the meeting, a woman says THIS BACKGROUND'S
REALLY YELLOW.

Kelly continues I REALLY ENJOY WORKING
IN ADVERTISING.
IT CHALLENGES ME CREATIVELY
AND THERE'S ALWAYS A VARIETY OF
PROBLEMS THAT COME UP EVERY DAY.
BUT I THINK ONE OF THE MOST
IMPORTANT ASPECTS OF MY JOB
IS THAT THE ENVIRONMENT
IS VERY, VERY PLEASANT.
WHENEVER I COME IN,
THERE'S ALWAYS LAUGHTER.
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS JOKING AROUND.
AND WE GET OUR WORK DONE,
BUT WE DO IT IN A WAY
THAT IS ENJOYABLE TO ALL.
I THINK PART OF THE SUCCESS
IN ROLLING OUT A JOB SHARE
IS TO EXPLAIN IT TO EVERYBODY
THAT YOU'RE WORKING
DIRECTLY WITH.
BECAUSE, IT IS UNUSUAL, AND AT
FIRST, SOME PEOPLE SAID TO ME,
"WELL, HOW WILL I KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE IN AND WHEN SUSAN'S IN?"
AND I SAID,
"WELL, IT'S ON OUR CALENDAR,
BUT YOU DON'T REALLY
HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE WE'RE
ONE AND THE SAME PERSON.
IF YOU HAVE
A QUESTION OR CONCERN,
WE WILL BOTH DEAL WITH IT."

As she watches the boys play on a swing in a playground, she says OKAY, LET'S SEE
HOW FAST YOU CAN GO, FERG.

Kelly continues WE HAD TO ASSURE EVERYBODY
THAT IT WOULD RUN AS SMOOTHLY
AS IF WE WERE ONE PERSON.
AND THAT TAKES A LOT
OF EXTRA WORK ON OUR PART.
BUT WE'RE QUITE WILLING
TO DO IT BECAUSE OF THE BENEFITS
OF BEING HOME WITH OUR CHILDREN.

The clip ends.

Back in the studio, Mary says MOMS WITH JOBS
IS A FEATURE
THAT WE'RE RUNNING THIS WEEK
ON
MORE TO LIFE.
WE'RE GONNA WRAP IT UP
WITH A PHONE-IN ON THURSDAY
AND WE WOULD LOVE
TO HEAR FROM YOU.
HAVE YOU ACHIEVED
BALANCE IN YOUR LIFE?
OR ARE YOU STILL STRUGGLING
BETWEEN WORK AND HOME?
GIVE US A CALL ON THURSDAY.
AND NOW IT'S TIME
TO PUT YOUR FEET UP
FOR OUR WEEKLY, MINI,
MEDICAL CHECK-UP.
AND ON THE ROSTER,
YOUR ACHING BACK.
HERE'S
YOUR HEALTH'S,
MEDICAL PROFESSOR,
DR. PAUL CALDWELL.

A clip plays in which Paul Caldwell sits at a desk with a huge vertebra and a model of a human spine.

Paul is in his late forties, with short, receding gray hair and a boxed beard. He's wearing a blue shirt and a yellow tie.

A caption appears on screen. It reads "Doctor Paul Caldwell. Family Physician."

Paul says IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE,
BUT THIS IS NOT A PIECE
OF AVANT-GARDE SCULPTURE.
IN SPITE OF THE SYMMETRY AND
WONDERFUL SHAPE, THIS IS SIMPLY,
WELL, A BONE.
IT'S A VERTEBRA,
ONE OF THE BACKBONES
FROM A FINBACK WHALE.
I FOUND IT ON A BEACH
IN NEWFOUNDLAND.
I'M NOT SURE ABOUT WHALES,
BUT IN HUMANS,
PROBLEMS WITH BONES AND
OTHER STRUCTURES IN THE BACK
ARE AMONG
THE MOST COMMON COMPLAINTS
THAT DOCTORS HAVE TO DEAL WITH.
THE WORD VERTEBRA,
COMES FROM THE LATIN,
MEANING JOINTED.
VERTEBRAE,
OR BACKBONES, ARE STACKED,
ONE ON TOP OF THE OTHER, TO FORM
THE BONES OF THE SPINAL COLUMN.
THE BONES OF THE SPINE
GIVE SUPPORT TO THE BONES
OF THE LEGS, ARMS, AND HEAD,
BUT THEY ALSO
PROTECT THE SPINAL CORD,
WHICH RUNS IN HERE.
IT'S A DELICATE
AND CRITICALLY IMPORTANT
OUTPOUCHING OF THE BRAIN.
INSIDE ITS OWN PROTECTED,
BONY RING, IT RUNS DOWN
THROUGH ALL THE VERTEBRAE.
THE SPINAL CORD CARRIES MESSAGES
FROM THE BRAIN
TO THE REST OF THE BODY.
BETWEEN EACH OF
THE VERTEBRAE LIES A DISC.
A SHOCK-ABSORBING, FLEXIBLE PAD.
THIS MAKES GOOD SENSE.
OTHERWISE,
THE SPINE COULD NOT MOVE.
THE PADS,
LIKE THIS FOAM RUBBER MODEL...

He picks up a rounded foam cushion and continues
ALLOW FOR SOME COMPRESSION
AND EXPANSION,
AND ALSO MOVEMENT.
BECAUSE THE GRISTLE THAT MAKES
UP THE DISC GIVES MUCH MORE
THAN THE BONE EVER COULD.
THE DISCS THEMSELVES
HAVE A FIBROUS,
OR GRISTLE-LIKE, RING
ON THE OUTSIDE,
AND A MORE LIQUID,
ALMOST JELLY-LIKE CENTRE.
DISCS DETERIORATE
AS WE GET OLDER.
AND SOMETIMES, AS A RESULT
OF INJURY, OR SIMPLY BAD GENES,
THEY BREAK OPEN.
EXPLODE REALLY.
PUSHING DAMAGED PIECES
OF THE GRISTLE BACKWARDS
INTO THE SPINAL CORD.
THIS HAPPENS MOST COMMONLY
WHERE THERE IS MOST MOVEMENT
IN THE SPINAL COLUMN: IN THE LOWER BACK
OR IN THE LOWER NECK.
THE PIECES OF DEGENERATED DISC
PUT PRESSURE ON THE NERVES
FROM THE SPINAL CORD.
ODDLY ENOUGH,
IF YOU HAVE SUCH A DISC PROBLEM,
YOU OFTEN DON'T FEEL
AS MUCH PAIN IN YOUR BACK,
AS YOU DO WHERE THE NERVES
COME TO THE SURFACE,
DOWN THE LEGS AND INTO THE FOOT.
THIS SITUATION IS WHAT
THE CHIROPRACTOR REFERS TO
AS A SLIPPED DISC.
IT'S A MISNOMER REALLY,
AS THE DISC HASN'T SLIPPED,
BUT RATHER, EXPLODED.
QUITE COMMONLY,
AS SEEN IN THIS MODEL...

He picks up a model of four human vertebrae with three discs between each pair, one of which is flattened, with a red outpour.

He says THE DISC FRAGMENTS, SEEN IN RED,
PUT PRESSURE
ON THE LARGE NERVE THAT EXITS
AT THE LOWER END OF YOUR BACK
AND GOES DOWN
THE BACK OF YOUR LEG,
PRODUCING A PAIN
KNOWN AS SCIATICA.
THOUGH MANIPULATION,
ANTI-INFLAMMATORY DRUGS,
AND REST OFTEN HELP THE PROBLEM,
THE SPECIFIC TREATMENT
IS SURGERY.
A SMALL INCISION
IS MADE HERE IN THE BACK
AND THE SURGEON GOES
THROUGH THE MUSCLE LAYERS
AND PICKS AWAY THE PIECES
OF THE SHATTERED DISC
THAT ARE PUTTING
PRESSURE ON THE NERVE ROOTS.
RELIEF OF THE PAIN
IS ALMOST IMMEDIATE,
AND, PUN INTENDED,
SOON YOU'RE
BACK
TO FEELING
LIKE YOUR OLD SELF AGAIN.

The clip ends.

Back in the studio, Mary says OH, GROAN.
THANKS, DR. CALDWELL.
DR. PAUL CALDWELL IS A REGULAR
GUEST ON
YOUR HEALTH,
TUESDAY NIGHTS AT 7:30.
BUT THAT'S IT FOR TODAY.
PLEASE JOIN ME EACH WEEKDAY,
MONDAY TO FRIDAY, FOR
MORE TO
LIFE, AT ONE O'CLOCK.

Watch: Building Moral Intelligence, Working Moms, Back Pain