Transcript: William Jankowiak on emotional monogamy. | May 06, 2006

William Jankowiak stands on a podium in a classroom. He is in his forties, has a brown trimmed full beard, short blond hair, and is wearing a purple suit, over a brown turtleneck sweater.

William says IN HIS
AUTOBIOGRAPHY "A LIFE," OSCAR
WINNING FILM AND STAGE
DIRECTOR, ELIA KAZAN,
CONTINUALLY PUZZLED OVER THIS
AMBIVALENCE WITHIN HIMSELF.
IN HIS LATE 70S, IN REFLECTING
BACK ON MORE THEN 45 YEARS OF
TIME, WHEN HE SHUTTLED BACK AND
FORTH FOR MANY YEARS BETWEEN
THE ARMS OF HIS DEEPLY, BELOVED
WIFE MOLLY AND THE BED OF A
SPIRITED YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS
HIS MISTRESS HE WROTE, NOW I
CAN FREELY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A SECURE,
DOMESTIC LIFE, AND AT THE SAME
TIME FREEDOM OF A BACHELOR'S
EXISTENCE.
BUT IT NEVER WORKS.
SOMEONE GETS HURT.
THE CURSE OF MY LIFE HAS BEEN
THE ILLUSION THAT I COULD HAVE
BOTH.
STILL, I WANTED IT ALL, AND IN
A WAY GENTLED BY THE PASSING
YEARS STILL DO.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
YOU'RE NOT ALL TOGETHER
DIFFERENT FROM ME, ARE YOU?
NO CULTURE IS EVER COMPLETELY
SUCCESSFUL, SATISFIED, WITH ITS
SYNTHESIS OR RECONCILIATION OF
LOVE AND SEX.
WHETHER IT'S THE TECHNOLOGICAL
METRO, METROPOLOTIS OR A SIMPLE
FARMING COMMUNITY, THERE'S A
TENSION BETWEEN SEXUAL MORES
AND PRESCRIPTIONS OF THE PROPER
CONTEXT FOR LOVE.
WESTERN SOCIETIES ARE NOT
UNIQUE IN ITS AMBIVALENCE.
AT VARIOUS TIMES, SEXUAL
PASSION HAS BEEN PREFERRED OVER
THE ROMANTIC.
NO ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY HAS
REPORTED THAT BOTH PASSIONS
HAVE BEEN REGARDED AS EQUALLY
VALUABLE.
IT IS EITHER THE SEXUAL OR THE
ROMANTIC IMAGE THAT IS THE
OFFICIAL IDEAL, AND THUS THE
PREFERRED IDIOM OF
CONVERSATION.
NO CULTURE GIVES EQUAL WEIGHT
TO THE USE OF SEXUAL AND
ROMANTIC METAPHORS.
ONE PASSION IS ALWAYS REGARDED
AS THE OUT, AS THE SUBSET OF
ANOTHER.
NO MATTER HOW SOCIALLY HUMANE,
POLITICALLY ENLIGHTENED,
SPIRITUALLY ATUNED OR
TECHNOLOGICALLY ADAPTED FAILURE
IS THE NAME OF THE GAME.

A caption appears on screen. It reads "William Jankowiak. Anthropology, University of Nevada. A case for Emotional Monogamy. University of Waterloo, March 9, 2006."

William continues THE PARAMOUNT PASSION IS EASILY
RECOGNIZABLE FROM
EXAMINING CONVERSATIONAL
IDIOMS.
CONFLICT OVER ISSUES OF
PROPRIETY, ETIQUETTE, SOCIAL
STANDING INEVITABLY ARISE.
AND WHAT, AND THEREFORE
WHENEVER THERE'S A BREAK IN
CULTURAL UNDERSTANDING
CONSENSUS REGARDING SEXUALITY,
ROMANTICISM AND THEIR INNER,
RELATIONSHIP. TO SOME
DEGREE, DISSATISFACTION IS
EVERYWHERE, SINCE WE RARELY IF
EVER CAN HAVE BOTH.
IT'S DISSIDENT SOUNDS OF ALL
SPHERES OF CULTURE.
TO PARAPHRASE FREUD'S OFTEN,
QUOTED APRIUM.
THE CRUCIAL QUESTION IS WHAT DO
WE WANT?
THE DISCREPANCY OVER THE PULL
OF ROMANCE AND THE TUG OF
SEXUAL PASSION THRIVES IN A
MOROCCAN, IN MOROCCO, WHERE MEN
OPENLY DISCUSS AND SPEAK ABOUT
SEX AND LOVE.
WHY WOMEN ARE DISCOURAGED FROM
DOING SO.
A MIDDLE-AGED MOROCCAN MAN
REMARKS, MY FRIENDS AND I TALK
A LOT ABOUT SEXUAL ENJOYMENT
AND WITH OUR BEST FRIENDS
CONFINE OUR ROMANTIC LONGINGS.
BUT IF MY WIFE DID SUCH A THING
WE WOULD LOOK DOWN UPON HER.
IT CAN BE FOUND IN A MORMON,
POLYGAMOUS COMMUNITY WHERE
PEOPLE, WHERE WOMEN WILL SAY MY
HUSBAND CAN HAVE AS MANY WIVES
AS HE WANTS.
IN FACT WE OFTEN GET TOGETHER
AND DISCUSS WHO WILL BE HIS
FOURTH AND FIFTH WIFE.
BUT THEN LATER, MAYBE FIVE
MINUTES LATER A HUSBAND WILL
LOOK AT A WOMAN WALKING IN,
WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND
SHE'LL GRAB HIM BY THE THROAT
AND SAY WHO ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
CONTRADICTIONS FLOURISH ALL,
ACROSS AMERICA WHERE LOVE IS
PROCLAIMED AS AN AUTHENTIC
GROUND FOR RELATIONSHIPS AND
MARRIAGE.
BUT IT'S CONNECTION TO SEXUAL
DESIRE, PASSION IS SILENTLY
ACKNOWLEDGED IN ONE PART OF OUR
CULTURE, DOUBTED IN ANOTHER AND
OFTENLY, AND OFTENLY DISAVOWED
IN ANOTHER CONTEXT.
AND SINCE I'M, I'M IN CANADA I
SHOULD MAKE AN ASIDE.
THIS IS GOING TO BE A
CONTINUING CRITICISM OF
AMERICAN CULTURE IN TERMS OF
ITS, OF ITS, OF ITS MANY,
SPLENDID CONTRADICTIONS.
TOM GREGOR WHO'S DONE
OUTSTANDING FIELD WORK AMONG
THE MAYANOKU, AN AMAZONIAN
SOCIETY, NOTES THAT WHY THEY
VALUE A GREAT DEAL OF, OF
DIVERSITY IN SEXUALITY, MEN AND
WOMEN ARE EQUALLY ENCOURAGED TO
GO OUT.
MEN, MEN, NOT WOMEN, MEN ARE
HESITANT, THEY'RE FRIGHTENED.
WHY?
THEY'RE FRIGHTENED BECAUSE
WOMEN TALK AMONG THEMSELVES
ABOUT MALE, SEXUAL PERFORMANCE.
AND UNLIKE, UNLIKE IN A NORTH
AMERICAN COMMUNITY THERE'S NO
BED.
THE INVENTION OF THE BED WAS
ONE OF THE GREAT EROTIC
INVENTIONS FOR MEN, BECAUSE IN
THE MAYANOKU SOCIETY YOU GO OUT
TO YOUR FAVOURITE TREE, AND
THERE'S A SQUATTING AND THE
MALE HAS TO PERFORM
IMMEDIATELY, OKAY?
AND THE, THE FEAR OF THIS
DRIVES MEN NOT TO ENGAGE, YOU
SEE
IN NORTH AMERICA WE HAVE THE
BED SO YOU CAN DO IT LATER.
UM, I'M GONNA ARGUE, IN THAT
SENSE I'M REALLY FOLLOWING I
THINK HELEN FISHER'S
INTERESTING INSIGHTS HERE, IS
THAT HUMANS HAVE EVOLVED IF YOU
WILL THREE DIFFERENT
REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEMS.
ONE IS OBVIOUSLY SEXUALITY,
WHICH HAS BECOME MORE AND MORE
IN THE FOREFRONT, PEOPLE
EXPLORIING ITS VARIETY AND I'LL
HAVE SOME COMMENTS IN A MINUTE.
THE SECOND IS THE ATTACHMENT
LOVE, WHICH IS SOMETIMES CALLED
COMPANIONSHIP OR COMFORT LOVE.
AND IT MIGHT REALLY SURPRISE
PEOPLE IN HERE, BUT WHEN JOHN
BOWLBY WHO REALLY MADE THAT
CHARGE IN THE 1950S, HE WAS
DISMISSED.
AT HARVARD AT THE TIME WAS
ANOTHER FOREMOST, PSYCHOLOGIST
WHO REALLY WON THE GAME, B.F.
SKINNER.
AND B.F. SKINNER SAID THERE WAS
NO INNATE MOTIVATION AT ALL.
EVERYTHING WAS SOCIAL LEARNING,
OPERA CONDITIONING.
AND SKINNER, WON THE DAY, HE
DOMINATED GRAD, HIS VISION
DOMINATED MOST OF THE
PSYCHOLOGICAL DEPARTMENTS IN
NORTH AMERICA AND BOWLBY WAS
REALLY RELEGATED TO THE
PERIPHERY OF A CERTAIN SEGMENT
OF THE HARVARD LIBRARY.
IT WAS ONLY INTO THE 1980S
WITH, WITH, WITH REDEFINITION
OF THE HUMAN MIND, REALLY
COMING ON WITH COGNITION WITH
PIAGET, THAT BOWLBY THEN WAS
GONE, GONE BACK TO AND WE
REALIZE THAT HUMANS HAVE A,
HAVE A NATURAL SENSE OF THIS
AFFECTION TO RESPONSE.
AND BY AFFECTION, IS MOTHER,
CHILD BONDING, PARENT, CHILD
BORING, IN THAT SENSE.
BUT LONG TERM COUPLES ALSO MOVE
INTO THE SENSE OF
COMPANIONSHIP, LOVE.
THE BIG DEBATE INTERESTING
ENOUGH IS ROMANTIC LOVE.
WE REALLY HAD ACCEPTED THAT
THERE, THAT THE SEX DRIVE WAS
NATURAL, BUT THE AFFECTION,
LOVE WAS ALSO THEN
CAME LATE
WAS NATURAL.
BUT ROMANCE WAS SEEMED TO SEEN
THAT IT WAS A EUROPEAN
PHENOMENON.
IT WAS EUROPEANS CONTRIBUTION
TO WORLD CULTURE.
AND THE, THE RESEARCH THAT,
THAT I HAD DONE AND PAM STERN
ALSO WHO WAS ONE OF THE LEADING
ANTHROPOLOGISTS IN CONTRIBUTING
TO THAT EFFORT, WAS TO LOOK AT
THE CROSS-CULTURAL LITERATURE
ON THIS.
AND I WAS ABLE ALONG WITH A, A
GRADUATE STUDENT AT TULANE, TED
FISHER, WHOSE NOW BECOME A
PROMINENT ANTHROPOLOGIST IN HIS
OWN RIGHT, AT, AT VANDERBILT
UNIVERSITY WERE ABLE TO
DOCUMENT IT IN ABOUT 91 percent OF ALL
CULTURES.
AND THE OTHER NINE PERCENT IT'S
PROBABLY THERE, WE JUST
COULDN'T GET DATA.
IT WASN'T THAT IT WAS NOT
THERE.
IT WAS JUST INCONCLUSIVE.
I SHOULD SAY SINCE THE
PUBLICATION OF THAT IN 92, THAT
CHARLES LINDHOLM HAS CAME OUT
IN A 2000 BOOK ARGUING THAT HE
LOOKED AT THE HUMAN ERRORS
RELATION FILE AND HE FOUND IT
IN ONLY 14 percent OF ALL CULTURES.
SO HERE YOU HAVE TWO
ANTHROPOLOGISTS.
ONE SAID 91, THAT'S A BIG
DIFFERENCE.
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
I WENT BACK AND LOOKED AT
LINDHOLM'S STUFF AND WHAT HE
HAD WAS NO CRITERIA FOR DROP-IN
CULTURES.
SO HE JUST WENT THROUGH AND
COUNTED 246.
ANTHROPOLOGISTS EMOTION, THE
STUDY OF EMOTIONS CAME LATE TO
ANTHROPOLOGY.
MOST OF ANTHROPOLOGY WAS
LOOKING AT MATERIAL CULTURE AND
THEY JUST DIDN'T PICK IT UP.
IT WAS NOT OF AN INTERESTING
ELEMENT.
AND ALSO PSYCHOLOGICAL
ANTHROPOLOGY CAME LATE TO, TO
ANTHR, TO FIELD RESEARCH AS
WELL.
SO THE PROBING OF THE
SUBJECTIVE STATE JUST WASN'T
THERE.
SO IF YOU WANT TO JUST LOOK AT
THE ETHNOGRAPHIC RECORD IT'S
VERY WEAK.
AND I WOULD AGREE THAT LINDHOLM
HAS DOCUMENTED ESSENTIALLY WHAT
CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGISTS FOR
100 YEARS HAD CONCENTRATED ON,
AND I AGREE WITH THAT.
WHERE I DIFFER FROM HIM IS THAT
I CONTACTED ETHNOGRAPHERS WHO
WERE LIVING AND NEVER WROTE ON
IT, AND ASKED THEM DID THEY SEE
THIS?
AND I WAS ABLE TO GET IT THAT
WAY.
AND THE OTHER AND MOST
IMPORTANT WAS FOLKLORE.
IF YOU, ANTHROPOLOGISTS USED TO
READ FOLKLORE, USED TO COLLECT
FOLKLORE.
NOW I'M SAD TO SAY WE DON'T
EVEN READ THE LITERATURE OF THE
PEOPLE WE STUDY.
BUT IF YOU GO LOOK AT THE
FOLKLORE FROM BOAZ'S STUFF ALL
THE WAY THROUGH, IT IS THERE.
AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING AT THAT,
THAT'S WHERE I WAS ABLE TO
REALLY DOCUMENT IT ON THAT.
SO I THINK WE HAVE IS A, AND
I'M BRINGING IT TO ATTENTION
BECAUSE LINDHOLM'S A VERY,
PROMINENT ANTHROPOLOGIST.
ONE I REALLY RESPECT.
I THINK ONE OF THE MOST
ORIGINAL MINDS IN ANTHROPOLOGY.
BUT I THINK HE JUST MISSED IT
IN THIS PARTICULAR POINT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, THAT BEING SAID WHAT
I WANT TO DO NOW IS LOOK AT
SEXUAL DESIRE AND LOVE AND
EXPLORE THIS IN A BIT MORE,
MORE DETAIL BECAUSE REMEMBER MY
THESIS HERE.
THAT SEXUALITY AND LOVE ARE
INTERTWINED IN THEIR OWN WAY.
AND WE HAVE A WHOLE MOVEMENT ON
SEXUALITY AND IT'S KIND OF A
CULTURAL, EVOLUTIONARY MODEL
THAT SAYS THAT SEX IN THE STATE
OF NATURE IS ABOUT PLEASURE.
THEN WITH THE RISE OF FARMING
SOCIETIES, HORTICULTURE,
AGRICULTURE, IT BECAME AN
EMPHASIS ON REPRODUCTION.
IT WAS THE NUMBER OF CHILDREN
YOU HAD.
BUT NOW IN THE, IN THE WONDERS
OF, OF MEGALOPOLIS, INDUSTRIAL
WORLD, WE'RE NOW RETURNING BACK
TO PLEASURE.
AND THE IDEA IS THERE'S NOTHING
REALLY NEW IN CONTEMPORARY
AMERICA, CANADA, IT IS A, A
RETURN TO OUR BIOLOGICAL ROOTS.
I REALLY BELIEVED THAT UNTIL I
HEARD AN OUTSTANDING TALK BY
BARRY HEWLETT, WHO WORKS WITH
THE AKA PYGMY.
AKA PYGMY LIVE IN THE, IN THE
CONGO, NOT THE CONGO, BUT IN
CENTRAL AFRICA.
AND HE DID, AND HE WENT AROUND
ASKING INDIVIDUALS DOES SEX
MATTER?
IN OTHER WORDS WHY DO YOU DO
SEX?
AND THEY TALK ABOUT IT WORK.
WE DO THE WORK.
WHY DO YOU DO THE WORK?
WE DO THE WORK IN ORDER TO HAVE
CHILDREN.
OKAY?
AND IT'S HARD WORK, BUT WE WANT
TO HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF
CHILDREN.
NOW THERE'S REASONS WHY HUNTERS
AND GATHERERS DON'T HAVE AS
MANY CHILDREN.
BUT THERE'S ALSO YOU HAVE TO
REMEMBER, DEVELOPING CULTURES
ABOUT 20 percent OF ALL BABIES WILL BE
DEAD BEFORE THE FIRST YEAR.
AND 50 percent WILL BE DEAD BEFORE THE
AGE OF FIVE.
SO WORKING FOR CHILDREN IS
REALLY WORKING FOR SOMEBODY TO
SURVIVE YOU.
IT'S AN INTERESTING CORRECTION,
WHY THEY WOULD, THE PYGMIES
WOULD ACKNOWLEDGE THAT SEX IS
PLEASURABLE.
THAT'S NOT WHY WE ENGAGE IN IT.
NOW HEWLETT'S FINDING AND MOST
OF, AND SINCE GENDER BECAME AND
SINCE THE GENDER PHENOMENON
TOOK OVER THE STUDY OF
SEXUALITY, THE STUDY OF, THE
EMPHASIS HAS BEEN ON DISCOURSE,
AND NOT SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR.
SO WE REALLY DON'T HAVE A LOT
OF OTHER STUDIES ON ACTUAL
SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR FROM OTHER
HUNTING AND GATHERING GROUPS,
FROM AGRICULTURAL GROUPS OR
WHATNOT.
WE JUST HAVE STUDIES ON THE
DISCOURSE.
WHAT PEOPLE THINK IS GOING ON
AND WHY THAT AND THAT HOW THAT
FITS INTO SOME TYPE OF
STRATIFICATION MODEL.
I'M IMPRESSED WITH HEWLETT'S
STUFF AND IT MAKES SOME SENSE
TO ME.
AND THAT THEN MAKES IT MORE
POWERFUL TO US IN OUR CULTURE
AND HOW UNIQUE THE PLEASURE
MODEL HAS REALLY ENTERED INTO,
AND HOW RELATIVELY RECENT IN
HUMAN HISTORY THAT CONCERN IS,
BECAUSE WHY PLEASURE'S ALWAYS
BEEN PART OF SEXUALITY, MAKING
IT THE DOMINANT MODE,
RECREATIONAL SEX IS SOMETHING
THAT COMES RELATIVELY LATE TO
HUMAN HISTORY.
AND I THINK THAT'S A REALLY,
INTERESTING FINDING.
AN INTERESTING QUESTION ON
GENDER AND SEXUALITY AND THE
BIG DEBATE OVER THE LAST 20
YEARS HAS BEEN IS THERE, A SEX
DIFFERENCE?
AND IS THAT SEX DIFFERENCE
DERIVED BIOLOGICALLY OR
CULTURALLY? DONALD SIMONS
IN A LANDMARK BOOK
CALLED "HUMAN SEXUALITY" ARGUES
THAT MEN AND WOMEN HAVE EVOLVED
WITH DIFFERENT BRAINS IN TERMS
OF THEIR APPROACH TO EROTICISM.
MEN WANT SEX OR A VARIETY FOR
ITS OWN SAKE, WOMEN ARE LOOKING
AT SEXUALITY IN A WAY OF
CREATING COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS
AND PARENTING. SIMONS
MAKES A, A, A TELLING POINT
WHERE HE JUST SAYS THAT
PREGNANCY IS SO POTENTIALLY
THREATENING TO THE SURVIVAL OF
THE FEMALE, JUST FROM AN
EVOLUTIONARY POINT OF VIEW IT
WOULD NOT MAKE SENSE TO EVOLVE
FEMALES THAT HAVE
INDISCRIMINANT SEX, AND THERE
HAVE TO BE ELEMENTS IN THE MIND
SET TO GO THERE.
THERE'S A WHOLE OTHER ARGUMENT
ABOUT WHETHER WOMEN ON CERTAIN
CONTEXTS CAN ENGAGE IN MULTIPLE
PARTNERS OR NOT.
AND NOW WHAT WE'RE FINDING WITH
THE NEUROLOGICAL WORK THAT JUST
HAS EMERGED IN THE LAST TEN
YEARS, THE ENDOCHRONOLOGY OF,
OF, OF LOVE IS, IS JUST TEN
YEARS OLD AND EMERGING WITH
SOME, PROFOUND STUFF.
AND NOW WE'RE REALIZING THAT
WOMEN SOME WOMEN HAVE MORE
TESTOSTERONE THEN OTHERS.
AND THE WOMEN WHO HAVE MORE
TESTOSTERONE THEN OTHERS TEND
TO ENGAGE IN MORE SEXUALITY
THEN OTHERS, AND THIS IS A
RANDOM THING GOING ON.
SO IN FACT OF THE MATTER WE
CAN'T SAY WOMEN ARE THIS WAY
AND MEN ARE THAT WAY.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IT SEEMS
THAT THE LESS SOMETHING KICKS
IN YOU CAN SAY THAT, BUT IT HAS
TO DO WITH SOME QUALIFICATION.
ANYWAYS THE KEY HERE IS WE'RE
STILL DISCUSSING WHAT CONTEXT,
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, WHEN AND
WHERE?
BUT THE IMPERICAL DATA IS STILL
VERY CLEAR.
MEN ARE ENGAGING, WOMEN ARE
ENGAGING TO THIS DAY IN
DIFFERENT SEXUALITY.
THE DEBATE IS ON WHY?
OKAY, BUT THE OTHER PART THAT'S
ALSO CLEAR AND THE PART FOR
TODAY'S TALK IS THAT WHATEVER
THE EVENTUAL TAKE, WHATEVER
YOUR POLITICAL AND
PHILOSOPHICAL POSITION IS, IT'S
CLEAR THAT SEXUAL MONOGAMY DOES
NOT COME EASILY TO MEN OR
WOMEN.
AH, AND IN FACT IT BECOMES VERY
DIFFICULT FOR ALL ANIMALS.
BARASH WROTE THIS BOOK CALLED
"THE MYTH OF MONOGAMY" WHERE HE
LOOKS AROUND FOR BIRDS WHO ARE
SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST,
MONOGAMOUS SPECIES IN THE WORLD
AND FINDS THAT GIVEN THE
OPPORTUNITY EVEN THE MOST
MONOGAMOUS SPECIES IN THE WORLD
WILL CHEAT.
SO THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT
INDIVIDUAL HOMOSAPIENS DO
CHEAT.
IT DOES MEAN THOUGH THAT
EVERYONE HAS TO MAKE A
POLITICAL SENSE.
IT DOES NOT COME EASY TO US.
AND I THINK THERE'S INTERESTING
REPRODUCTIVE REASON FOR THAT.
IF THE PURSUIT OF SEXUAL
FULFILLMENT OFTEN RESULTS IN
INDIVIDUALS SEEKING NOVELTY,
LOVE ENGENDERS AN OPPOSITE
IMPULSE.
YOU WANT FAMILIARITY.
AND REMEMBER THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN LOVE AND SEX ARE CLEAR
HERE.
IF YOU HAVE A, IF YOUR SEXUAL
DESIRES IS AROUSED ANYONE OF
THAT SEXUAL ORIENTATION WILL
SOLVE, RESOLVE, PACIFY YOUR
DESIRE, OKAY.
BUT IN LOVE ONLY ONE PERSON ON
THE WHOLE PLANET WILL DO, OKAY.
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE HAD
SOMEONE REJECT YOU AND A GOOD
FRIEND SAID CHARLOTTE CARES FOR
YOU.
AND YOU SAID I DON'T WANT
CHARLOTTE.
I WANT BARBARA.
OKAY?

[laughter]

William continues OKAY.
AND, AND THE KEY IS HERE, NOW
IF IT WAS SEXUALITY BARBARA
WOULD DO JUST FINE.
BUT IN LOVE, BARBARA WON'T DO
AT ALL.
AND THIS IS A POWERFUL
PHENOMENON THE SENSE OF LOVE.
IT'S THE INTERNALIZATON OF
ANOTHER, AND IT'S THE IDEA OF
YOU MERGING WITH THAT PERSON.
AND THE EMERGENCE IS REALLY
INTERESTING HERE BECAUSE IT'S
PART OF A, WILLINGNESS.
THERE'S A PART OF A HORMONAL
ELEMENT GOING ON.
BUT THERE'S ALSO A COGNITIVE
PROCESS OF WILLINGNESS AND THAT
IS WHY LOVE CANNOT BE BOUGHT.
WHY HARLEQUIN LOVE MODELS WILL
SAY LOVE SLAVE.
WE ALL KNOW THAT'S NOT A REAL
LOVE SLAVE, WHERE SOMEONE HAS
STOLEN THAT PERSON, LOCKED THEM
UP, BEAT EM UP AND THEN THE
PERSON FELL IN LOVE.
WHAT THAT REALLY IS, IS SOMEONE
WHO'S SO SURRENDERED, SO
WILLINGLY SURRENDERED AND MERGE
WITH THE OTHER THAT THEY HAVE,
THEY FEEL THEY HAVE AT THAT
MOMENT NO ACTUAL CONTROL OVER
THEMSELVES IN THAT WAY, OKAY.
BUT THAT'S IMPORTANT.
LOVE CANNOT BE BOUGHT
ARRANGED,
ANTICIPATED OR OUTLAWED.
IT IS SOMETHING THAT DERIVES,
IF IT IS ITS INVALID.
IT'S ALSO INTENSELY DIATIC.
IT'S VERY, AND I'LL SAY SOMETHING
LATER.
IT'S VERY HARD TO LOVE TWO
PEOPLE.
AND IT'S VERY INTERESTING THOSE
PEOPLE THAT HAVE TRIED ON, ON
THAT SENSE.
IN CONTRAST SEXUAL RELEASE AND
THUS FULFILLMENT IS THE ABSENCE
OF A LOVE BOND, AND USUALLY
RESULTS IN IMMEDIATE
DISINTEREST IN THE LOVER.
IT'S NOT BY ACCIDENT THAT
PROSTITUTES AS SOON AS ONE HAS
A SEXUAL RELEASE, IMMEDIATELY
HOP UP AND LEAVE THE BED, OKAY.
IT'S GOOD PRACTICE.
WHAT WE DIDN'T KNOW, AND NOW WE
GO TO THE ENDOCHRONOLOGY OF
EMOTIONS, WE NOW KNOW THAT IF
YOU HAVE AN ORGASM AND IF YOU
STAY IN CLOSE PROXIMITY YOU
WILL RELEASE OXYTOCIN.
OXYTOCIN IS THE CUDDLE HORMONE.
IT'S NOT UNIQUE TO HOMOSAPIENS.
IT'S FOUND IN MOST MAMMALS.
BUT WHAT IT DOES IS IT BRINGS A
SENSE OF CONNECTIVENESS, OKAY,
WHICH IS, WHICH IS VERY
INTERESTING HERE.
SO IF A WOMAN SEES A
DISINTERESTED MAN AND IF SHE
WAS REALLY PRACTICAL, SHE WOULD
SAY DON'T GO JUST TO SPEND THE
NIGHT HOLDING ME, IN THE
MORNING GO.
AND IF THIS RITATURE IS
CORRECT, IN THE MORNING THE
MAN, THIS WOULD RELEASE WITHIN
THE MAN OXYTOCIN.
AND HE WOULD FEEL IN THE
MORNING A STRONGER SENSE OF
CONNECTIVENESS, NOT NECESSARILY
ROMANTIC LOVE HERE.
BUT A SENSE OF CONNECTIVE,
AFFILIATION THAT WOULD BE WELL,
BEYOND WHAT HE HAD ANTICIPATED.
YOU WITH ME?
HE WOULD, UNBEKNOWNST TO HIM HE
HAD UNLEASHED THIS OTHER THING
THAT WAS CREATED FOR BONDING.
BY THE WAY PEOPLE, OXYTOCIN IS
NOT A SEXUAL THING.
IT'S AN AFFILIATION.
PARENTS WHO, WHO CARE FOR
CHILDREN HAVE THE SAME THING.
MEN WHO HOLD BABIES, IT
RELEASES OXYTOCIN, AND IT
FACILITATES PARENTAL CARETAKING
ON THAT, OKAY.
OKAY, SO IF SEXUAL RELEASE
MAKES IT DISINTERESTED IN
OTHER, OKAY, WHAT ABOUT
ROMANTIC, LOVE?
THAT'S THE OPPOSITE RESPONSE,
OKAY.
IT DOES NOT LEAD TO A DECREASE
OF INTEREST, THE INTEREST
REMAINS STRONG.
I ONCE ASKED TOM GREGOR AGAIN
ON THE MAYANOKU, I SAID DO YOU
REALLY BELIEVE IN ROMANTIC LOVE
IS UNIVERSAL?
AND HE LOOKED AT ME AND HE SAID
HAVE YOU EVER SPENT THE NIGHT
IN A TROPICAL RAINFOREST IN A
HAMMOCK?
AND I SAID NO.
HE SAID I HAVE.
THERE'S NO WAY ON A HOT, HUMID,
95 DEGREE NIGHT YOU'RE GONNA
STAY SNUGGLED WITH ANOTHER BODY
NEXT TO YOU, OKAY.

[chuckles]

William continues OKAY?
THE, BUT HE NOTED THAT THE
MAYANOKU WHO HAD LOVE CRUSHES,
SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT TOGETHER
IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS.
SEXUAL RELEASE DO NOT RESULT
INTO DISINTEREST.
IT CREATED THIS, IN FACT THAT
SOMETHING ELSE WAS OVERRIDING
IT.
FOR LOVE IS MORE THEN JUST SEX,
OKAY.
AND WE KNOW THAT SEXUALITY
DEPENDS UPON A, A, A KIND OF
INTIMACY.
AND IT'S VERY, JUST REAL QUICK,
ASIDE FOR THE ANTHROPOLOGISTS
HERE, WE ALSO KNOW LIKE IN
PARALLEL COUSINS WHERE IN
SOCIETIES THAT WHERE PEOPLE
WILL BE LIVING IN THE SAME
HOUSES, THERE, PEOPLE THAT GROW
UP TOGETHER HAVE AN EROTIC
DISINTEREST IN ONE AND OTHER.
THE GREATEST COMPLAINT ARABIC
ANTHROPOLOGISTS REPORTED IS
PEOPLE, WHO MARRIED THE
PARALLEL COUSINS.
THEY JUST SAY IT'S NOT
INTERESTING.
ARTHUR WOLF DID THE SAME THING
WITH PEOPLE IN CHINA, IN, IN
TAIWAN WHERE THEY MARRIED THEIR
ADOPTED DAUGHTER THAT WAS
BROUGHT IN WHEN THEY WERE TWO
YEARS AND THREE YEARS OLD AND
RAISED AS SIBS, KNOWING FULL
WELL THEY WERE SPECIAL SIBS.
BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT THEY
BECAME MARRIAGE AND THEY HAD
LESS CHILDREN THEN PEOPLE WHO
MARRIED STRANGERS.
HIGHER FREQUENCY OF DIVORCE,
AND IN ANYBODY THAT TALKED TO
HIM JUST SAID SEXUALITY IS
UNINTERESTING.
SO YOU HAVE HERE THIS
INTERESTING THING OF LOVE AND
ATTACHMENT IN SEXUALITY.
AND THEY'RE WORKING IN SOME
RELATIONSHIP, BUT IT'S NOT A
CLEAR, CUT ONE AS WE MIGHT HAVE
IMAGINED OF THEM.
AND SO THE POINT HERE IS CLEAR,
OKAY.
THESE ARE NOT TWO DIAM, TWO
OPPOSING EMOTIONS, LOVE AND
SEXUALITY.
AND IT'S MORE FRUITFUL TO LOOK
AT THEM AS INTERTWINED,
SEPARATE, OKAY.
YET, YET INTERMINGLED OKAY.
WHAT IS LOVE THEN, WHAT IS
ROMANTIC LOVE?
IT HAS SEVERAL ATTRIBUTES THAT
WE NOW KNOW OF.
THERE IS A DESIRE FOR A UNION
OR EMERSION.
THERE'S A SENSE OF EXCLUSIVITY,
ONLY YOU.
I HAVE EYES ONLY FOR YOU AND NO
ONE ELSE.
IT'S INCLUSIVE THINKING.
IF ANYONE HERE HAS EVER BEEN IN
LOVE, YOU CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT THAT PERSON AT ALL, OKAY.
AND YOU SAY, YOU KNOW I, I
JUST, I, I WAS, I WAS ON THE
HONOUR ROLL AND THEN I MET THIS
GUY AND I JUST CAN'T THINK OF
ANYTHING BUT THIS GUY.
WHAT A BUMMER, OKAY.

[laughter]

William continues AND THE
GUY OF COURSE SAYS, OH, MAN I
GOT A GIRL AND NOW I CAN REALLY
CONCENTRATE ON MY STUDIES.

[laughter]

William continues OKAY,
OKAY. ANOTHER
ATTRIBUTE OF, OF, OF LOVE IS
THE REORDERING OF EMOTIONAL
PRIORITIES, OKAY.
YOU MIGHT HAVE A WHOLE WAITING
LIST OF WHO YOU CAN CALL AND
SEE, BUT LOVE PEOPLE CAN JUMP
RIGHT TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE.
IN FACT YOU WANT THEM AND YOU
WELCOME THEM, OKAY. AND
THERE'S A POWERFUL SENSE OF
EMPATHY THAT COMES ACROSS IN
THIS STATE.
[Coughs]
HELEN FISHER
IN LOOKING AT, THERE'S
ALSO PHYSIOLOGICAL THINGS SUCH
AS EYE CONTACT, BODY MOVEMENTS
AND CERTAIN, CERTAIN SWEAT
GLANDS ARE ALSO PUT OFF.
PASSIONATE LOVE STARTS WITH A
PHYSICAL ATTRACTION.
IT'S A SIMPLE, PHYSIOLOGICAL
STATE.
IT'S NOT DEVOID OF SEXUAL
INTENT.
AS LYNN PLOTNIKOV TALKING ABOUT
THE TIV IN NIGERIA SAYS WHEN I,
ABOUT THIS PERSON HE WAS, HE
WAS OBSERVING SAYS, WHEN I SAW
HER DANCE, THIS IS THE TIV NOT
LYNN PLOTNIKOV, SHE TOOK MY
LIFE AWAY AND I KNEW I MUST
FOLLOW HER.
OKAY.
SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS POSSIBLE
WITHOUT INFATUATION.
BUT ATTRACTION ALWAYS
ACCOMPANIES INFATUATION.
IN FACT SEXUAL ATTRACTION IS
THE VERY ESSENCE OF
INFATUATION.
ROMANTIC LOVE, THE TWO ARE
PRESENT.
NOW MY FRIEND CHARLES LINDHOLM
DISAGREES.
I THINK HE'S CONFUSING
AFFILIATION LOVE WITH ROMANTIC
LOVE.
HE GIVES TWO CASES.
A MEDIEVAL TROUBADOR SOCIETY...
[Coughs]
AND THE
MARISHBALOUSH.
EUROPEAN TROUBADOR SOCIETY, WE
ALL KNOW ABOUT ROMANTIC LOVE
STORIES, EUROPEAN TROUBADORS.
WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THE
IDEALIZATION OF LOVE THAT
TROUBADORS HAD SUNG ABOUT.
WHAT SOMETIMES IS MISSED, THAT
THERE, TWO DIFFERENT TROUBADOR
TRADITIONS.
ONE WAS EROTIC LOVE SONGS, LIKE
OUT OF "FALSTAFF," THE SONG OF
ABELARD AND THE OTHER WAS
DEVOID OF SEXUALITY.
AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS
SEXUALITY WAS OFTEN BANNERED IN
ARISTOCRATIC COURTS AND IT
BECAME THE EXCEPTION RATHER
THEN THE RULE TO SPEAK OF LOVE
AS DEVOID OF IT.
BUT THE KEY IS IT WAS IN A
CONTEXT THAT WAS ALWAYS
SEXUALLY CHARGED AND IT WAS A
TACIT, UNDERSTANDING OF THAT.
IT WAS NEVER DEVOID OF BEING.
AND THE MARISHBALOUSH IS THE
ONLY OTHER CASE WHERE
SUPPOSEDLY PEOPLE TALK ABOUT
LOVE.
AND LET ME TELL YOU, CAUSE I
LOOKED INTO THIS CAUSE THIS
REALLY TROUBLED ME.
THE MARISHBALOUSH, UNMARRIED
MEN WOULD SING LOVE SONGS ABOUT
MARRIED WOMEN.
MARISHBALOUSH ARE IN
AFGHANISTAN.
NOW, MOST AFGHANISTANIS IF
THEY, IF A MAN, IF THEY KNOW
ANOTHER MAN WANTS THEIR WIFE
WHAT WOULD THEY DO, OKAY?
SO ISN'T IT VERY SAFE TO SING
AN IDEAL, I DON'T REALLY WANT
YOUR WIFE.
I JUST WANT TO PRAISE THE
ESSENCE OF HER BEAUTY AND, AND
THE GLORY OF HER FLOWERHOOD,
OKAY.
IT BECOMES ALMOST A SAFE WAY
FOR UNMARRIED PEOPLE TO
IDEALIZE IT IN THAT CONTEXT.
WHAT WOULD BE REALLY
INTERESTING HERE, IS IF THEY
ACTUALLY HAD PHYSICAL ACCESS TO
THESE WOMEN WOULD THEY CONTINUE
JUST TO SPEAK IDEALISTIC,
FLOWERY WORDS OR WOULD IT
MANIFEST ITSELF IN TERMS OF
SEXUAL EXPRESSION?
AND THE ANSWER'S VERY CLEAR.
IT WOULD GO INTO SEXUAL
EXPRESSION AND WE HAVE SOME
INTERESTING ETHNOGRAPHIC ABOUT
THE LAHU, L-A-H-U, DONE BY
SHANSHAN DU, DID A WONDERFUL
BOOK ON THAT CALLED "CHOPSTICKS
COME IN PAIRS."
THEY TALK ABOUT LOVE ENTIRELY
AS IDEALISM.
BUT SHE SAYS EVERYONE KNOWS
SEXUALITY'S PRESENT.
IT'S JUST CONSIDERED BAD
MANNERS TO NOTE IT.
BUT WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THE
EXPRESSION.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE ABSENCE
OF IT.
LINDHOLM SAYS IT'S ABSENT.
I THINK IT'S THERE, IT JUST
RULES AN EXPRESSION.
[Coughs]
AND AT LAST
OF COURSE WE KNOW AS THE
SHAKERS WHO, WHO DEVOID ALL
FORMS OF ROMANTIC LOVE AND
SEXUALITY.
BUT HISTORIANS HAVE NOTED THAT
MANY SHAKERS HAD INCREDIBLE
MYSTICAL, EXPERIENCE, AND, AND
ORGASMIC EXPERIENCES WITH, WITH
THE PERSON THEY LOVED THE MOST,
JESUS CHRIST, OKAY.
SO YOU HAVE PEOPLE DENYING IT
IN THIS CONTEXT, BUT IT'S
MANIFESTED IN ANOTHER.
AND THEY WOULD TALK ABOUT THE
ORGASM.
THEY WOULD SAY THE LORD CAME
AND VISITED ME LAST NIGHT AND
MY BODY MOVED, OKAY.
PEOPLE IN LOVE, RECOGNIZE A
SPECIALNESS IN THE OTHER
INDIVIDUAL, OKAY.
AS PAM STERNEN IN HER, IN HER
IMPORTANT, AN IMPORTANT ARTICLE
POINTS OUT ABOUT AN INUIT WOMAN
WHO REFUSED TO STAY HOME AND
WAIT FOR HER HUSBAND.
BUT RATHER WENT HUNTING AND
SEALING WITH HIM SO SHE COULD
NOT BE SEPARATED FOR A SINGLE,
HOUR.
A MOROCCAN YOUTH TOLD HIS LOVE,
I TRUST YOU.
I CARE FOR YOU.
IF I DO NOT SEE YOU FOR A HALF
A DAY I GO CRAZY.
NOTICE THE POINT.
I TRUST YOU.
AND ONE OF THE THINGS OF
ROMANTIC LOVE, THE HIGH SENSE
OF EMPATHY TOWARDS ONE AND
OTHER.
BY THE WAY THE TRUST IS
IMPORTANT AND IT EXPLAINS A
VERY THING, A VERY INTERESTING
THING ON THE USE OF CONDOMS.
PEOPLE IN LOVE WHEN THE MAN
SAYS TRUST ME, I DON'T NEED TO
WEAR ONE, YOU CAN SEE THE GREAT
DILEMMA IN HOW EASY IT IS FOR A
FEMALE TO SAY OKAY, BECAUSE I
LOVE YOU.
I TRUST YOU.
NOW IF SHE DOESN'T LOVE HIM,
SEXUALITY TAKES PLACE IN THE
SENSE OF LIKE, OR A NEAT
EXPERIENCE THEN IT'S EASY TO
MANAGE THAT RELATIONSHIP.
IT BECOMES MUCH, MORE DIFFICULT
ONCE THERE'S A QUESTION OF LOVE
COMING IN.
THAT'S SOMETHING BY THE WAY
THAT HAS NOT BEEN COMMENTED ON
IN MOST OF THE AIDS LITERATURE,
IS THE PHENOMENA OF LOVE AND
HOW THAT REALLY UNDERMINES
SELF-PROTECTION OFTENLY.
ROBERT PARKER IN A BESTSELLER
CALLED "DOUBLE DEUCE," THE
DETECTIVE SPENCER SAYS OF SUSAN
SILVERMAN, THIS IS A GREAT
QUOTE, OKAY.
I LOOKED AT HER EYES AND FELT
AS I ALWAYS DID, THAT I COULD
BREATHE MORE DEEPLY WHEN I
LOOKED AT HER.
THAT THE AIR WAS OXYGEN, RICH
AND THAT WE WOULD LIVE FOREVER.
THE NOTION OF ROMANTIC LOVE IS
TO SENSE THAT THIS NOT A
QUICKIE.
THIS IS A SENSE THAT THIS COULD
GO ON FOR SOME TIME, MAYBE NOT
EVER, EVER BUT FOR A LOT MORE
THEN THAT.
IT'S THE MADDENING
UNPREDICTABLY BETWEEN
EXCITEMENT AND ANXIETY, THAT
LOVERS WONDER WHAT'S NEXT,
OKAY?
BY THE WAY, THESE ALSO STORIES
UP HERE ALSO COULD BE PART OF
AN ATTACHMENT PROCESS.
BUT AGAIN, PASSION GOES INTO
ATTACHMENT, IT MOVES BACK.
THESE ARE SEPARATE DOMAINS, BUT
THEY INTERPLAY A LOT.
BUT THERE'S ALSO A DOWNSIDE OF
LOVE THAT REVEALS ITS ESSENCE
AS WELL AND THAT'S REJECTION.
WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS THE
AMERICAN POET CAPTURES
REJECTION.
MAYBE YOU CAN RELATE TO THIS.
I CANNOT SAY THAT I HAVE GONE
TO HELL FOR YOUR LOVE.
BUT OFTEN FOUND MYSELF THERE,
IN YOUR PURSUIT, OKAY.
THE AKA PYGMIES WHEN THEY'RE
REJECTED CLIMB TO A TREE, 40-
FEET, 60-FEET UP THE FOREST
CANOPY AND HANG THEMSELVES.
AND THIS I WANT TO BRING UP THE
SOCIETY FOR THE STUDY OF BROKEN
HEART, WHICH HAS STARTED IN
BOMBAY, INDIA.
I BRING THIS UP BECAUSE IT'S
VERY IN THESE DAYS FOR INDIAN
INTELLECTUALS, HINDU
INTELLECTUALS TO CLAIM THAT IT
IS A NORTH AMERICAN,
PARTICULARLY AN AMERICAN
PROBLEM, ROMANTIC, LOVE.
BUT THEY DON'T HAVE IT.
THEY HAVE ATTACHMENT LOVE.
YET IT'S IN INDIA, THAT THE
SOCIETY FOR THE STUDY OF BROKEN
HEART ESTABLISHED IN 1992, WITH
MAY 3RD DEEMED THE BROKEN
HEARTS DAY.
IT'S THE DAY OF THE
COMMEMORATION AND CONSOLATION
FOR THE LOVE, AFFLICTED.
THAT IS
FOR PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GET WHAT
THEY WANT.
THEY CAN CONSOLE THEM AND I
FIND THAT VERY INTERESTING.
THEY BUT THE BIGGEST THING AND
THIS BECOMES A LITTLE, MORE
SERIOUS IS WHEN YOU ENCOUNTER A
SEDUCER OR A SEDUCEE. OKAY.
THE DON JUAN AND THE FEMME
FATALE, ITS FOUND, NOT THE DON
JUAN, BUT THE FEMME FATALE IS
FOUND IN ALL CULTURES.
I DID A STUDY WITH A, A GRAD
STUDENT ANGELA RAMSEY AND WE
LOOKED AT 78 CULTURES, 78
CULTURES.
AND WE FOUND 73 OF 78 OR 94 percent
HAD STORIES OF A FEMME FATALE.
THAT IS A YOUNG, BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN WHO GETS A MAN TO FALL IN
LOVE WITH HER AND THEN SHE EATS
HIS HEART.
TAKE THE CHINESE FOX FAIRIES.
FOX FAIRIES ARE, IT'S CALLED IN
CHINESE, IT'S CALLED HULI JING
AND IT'S A,
IT'S A SPIRIT WHO TAKES THE
BODY OF A WOMAN, GETS INVOLVED
WITH A MAN AND THEN LITERALLY
EATS HIS HEART.
BUT THERE'S ALSO A COUNTER-
THING IN THE FOX FAIRY GENDER
OF FOX FAIRIES WHO BECOME
HUMAN, FALL IN LOVE WITH THE
MAN, DON'T EAT HIS HEART, IN
FACT DIE PROTECTING HIM.
IT'S A KIND OF A COUNTER GENDER
ON THIS THING HERE.
AND THERE IS THE POINT.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEXUAL
POLLUTION.
THERE ARE CULTURAL AREAS THAT
HAVE A FEAR OF SEXUAL
POLLUTION.
BUT AROUND THE WORLD THESE ARE
MORE THE MINORITY THEN THE
RULE.
WHAT THE FEAR HERE IS NOT
SEXUAL POLLUTION.
THE FEAR HERE IS EMOTIONAL
DEVASTATION, OKAY.
IN MANY WAYS THE FEMME FATALE
STORIES STAND AS, AS, AS
ANOTHER, ANOTHER CONFIRMATION
FOR THE, THE, THE ROMANTIC LOVE
WORK THAT I HAD DONE WITH TED
FISHER.
THIS IS A NICE ONE.
I'LL GIVE YOU TWO EXAMPLES FROM
THE INUIT ESKIMOS, AND THIS
COMES FROM A FOLKLORE, A SONG
SINGING.
THERE'S A MAN'S WALKING, A
HUNTER'S THROUGH THE THICK AND
HE SEES THIS, THIS DAZZLING,
WOMAN WHO'S SINGING TO THE
HUNTER.
COME, COME, LONELY HUNTER.
NOW I WILL EMBRACE YOU.
EMBRACE YOU NOW.
THE HUNTER WHO'S OVERWHELMED
WITH THE SINGER'S BEAUTY, JUMPS
INTO THE FRIGID RIVER, SWIMS
TOWARDS THE WOMAN WHO BEGINS
MOVING SLOWLY DOWNSTREAM.
WHEN HE FINALLY REACHES HER
AFTER AN EXTRAORDINARY EFFORT
SHE BURSTS INTO AN ECHOING,
SCORNFUL LAUGHTER AND TURNS
INTO A NIGHT OWL AND FLIES
AWAY, LEAVING HIM TO BE FROZEN
IN THE WINTER, OKAY.
AH, ALL RIGHT, THE EBO OF SOUTH
NIGERIA HAVE ANOTHER STORY AND
IT'S CALLED, "PRIEST DANGER WHO
KILLED THE KING."
AND IT'S ABOUT A MAN WHO FALLS
IN LOVE WITH A STRIKINGLY
PRETTY, WOMAN WHOSE REALLY A
WITCH IN, DISGUISE AND AFTER
FALLING ASLEEP SHE CUTS HIS
HEAD OFF.
NOW HERE COMES AN INTERESTING
POINT.
YOUR PARENTS, YOUR CULTURE
RECOGNIZED THE HORRIFIC DANGER
OF SUCH ENCOUNTER.
IT CAN RESULT IN PERSONAL
DESTRUCTION AS WELL, AS SOCIAL
CHAOS.
SINCE NO CULTURE CONDONES THE
OVERT MANIPULATION OF ITS
MEMBERS EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL IN
THESE NEEDS.
IT HAPPENS BUT IT DOESN'T
CONDONE IT, OKAY.
THE SEDUCER WHO FREQUENTLY
EMBODIES THE CULTURAL'S CONCEPT
OF THE IDEAL MATE, IS REGARDED
AS AN AMORAL OUTLAW WHO'S
CHALLENGED TO THE SOCIAL ORDER.
WHEN I SAY AN IDEAL MATE THINK
OF IN OUR CULTURE OF THE DON
JUAN.
WHICH IS WHO?
NOT DONALD TRUMP, DRACULA.
NOT THE 1918 FIRST MOVIE WHERE
HE'S A MONSTER.
BUT THE COUNT DRACULA IS WHAT?
EDUCATED, SUAVE, LOTS OF MONEY,
DRESSES WELL.
HE HAS PROBLEMS WITH HIS TEETH
BUT HE'S WORKING ON IT.

[laughter]

William continues OKAY.
OKAY, IN MANY WAYS HE'S THE
EMBODIMENT IF YOU WILL OF THE
CATCH FOR A, FOR A STRATIFIED
SOCIETY.
BUT THERE'S A WARNING THERE.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU DESIRE, FOT
WHAT YOU DESIRE MAY NOT BE WHAT
IT LOOKS LIKE.
AND THE FEMME FATALE ARE
OBVIOUSLY FROM EVERYTHING FROM
"BASIC INSTINCT" WITH HELEN,
WITH EVERY, EVERY GENERATION
HAS THREE OR FOUR WOMEN THAT
PLAY OFF THAT, THAT MOTIF.
IT'S A CONTINUOUS MOTIF IN, IN
OUR CULTURE.
WHAT ABOUT EMOTIONAL
EXCLUSIVITY?
REMEMBER EARLIER I SAID YOU
CAN'T LOVE MORE THEN ONE
PERSON?
WHAT'S THE RESEARCH, REALLY SAY
ON THAT?
LOVE, WAS, OH I LOVED TWO
PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME.
DID YOU REALLY?
OKAY.
BUT INTERESTING ENOUGH,
PSYCHOLOGISTS HAVE NOT
RESEARCHED THIS TOPIC.
IT'S JUST REALLY STRIKING ME,
FOR THE, FOR THE, FOR THE
SCHOLARS IN THE ROOM, ELAINE
HATFIELD, WHO IS ONE OF THE
FOREMOST PSYCHOLOGICAL
RESEARCHERS ON LOVE, SAID IT'S
JUST NEVER BEEN DONE.
PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU NEED 300
SURVEYS AND THIS IS, YOU CAN'T
GET AT SURVEYS, AND
PSYCHOLOGISTS DON'T DO IN DEPTH
INTERVIEWING.
BUT BE AS IT MAY I JUST
COMPLETED, A STUDY ON THAT AND
LET ME TELL YOU THE SUMMATIONS
OF IT.
IT'S FASCINATING.
I INTERVIEWED 40 INDIVIDUALS, I
THINK ITS LIKE 36 OR SO, 42, I
FORGET.
BUT IT'S IN, IT'S HIGH, AND
WHAT I FOUND WAS THERE ARE
PEOPLE, WHO CLAIM TO BE IN LOVE
WITH TWO PEOPLE AT THE SAME
TIME.
THAT SURPRISED ME.
I THOUGHT THERE WOULD NOT, THAT
WOULD NOT HAPPEN. BUT IF
YOU PROBE WHAT TYPE OF LOVE
THEY HAVE IT'S REVEALING.
AND YOU FEEL THE TIMING OF THE
LOVE IS MORE REVEALING.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE TIMING.
NOBODY WENT OUT WITH TWO
STRANGERS AT THE SAME TIME,
MALE OR FEMALE.
BY THE WAY, THERE WAS NO
DIFFERENCE ON, ON GENDER HERE.
MALES AND FEMALES BOTH HAD THE
SAME EXPERIENCE AND FELL IN
LOVE.
SO SAY YOU'RE DATING MARK ON
WEDNESDAY AND DAVE ON FRIDAY
AND AFTER A MONTH LATER YOU
REALIZED YOU LOVE MARK AND
DAVE.
NO, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN THAT WAY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
YOU DATED MARK, FELL IN LOVE
WITH MARK.
YOU MARRIED MARK OR MOVED IN
THE HOUSE WITH MARK.
THREE YEARS LATER YOU REALIZED
YOU MET DAVE AND THERE WAS A
CONNECTION.
SO YOU NOTICE THE POINT?
LOVE, IT BECOMES ATTACHMENT OR
COMFORT LOVE AND THEN YOU GO
LOOKING FOR EXCITED LOVE.
IT'S VERY INTERESTING.
IF YOU CAN LOVE TWO OF THE SAME
TIME WE SHOULD HAVE LOTS OF
STORIES OF PEOPLE GOING OUT,
DATING SIMULTANEOUSLY AND
FALLING IN LOVE WITH THEM
SIMULTANEOUSLY.
BUT REMEMBER WE SAID THE
ESSENCE OF LOVE, IS ONE OF THE
ESSENCES, THE ESTABLISHING OF
MOTIVATIONAL PRIORITIES.
HOW CAN YOU HAVE TWO PEOPLE
OCCUPYING COGNITIVE SPACE AT
THE SAME TIME?
WELL, BIOLOGY HELPS AND HINDERS
HERE, BECAUSE WHAT YOU FIND
HERE WITH COMFORT LOVE, IT'S
OXYTOCIN BASED.
AND WITH EXCITED LOVE ITS
ENDORPHIN OR SERATONIN DRIVEN.
SO IN MANY WAYS THESE ARE TWO
DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE SAME
EQUATIONS.
THEY'RE OCCUPYING TWO DIFFERENT
PLACES IN THE MIND OR THE BRAIN
AND SO THEY'RE ABLE TO BALANCE
IT.
BUT THIS IS ALSO VERY
INTERESTING.
IF YOU ASK THESE PEOPLE MEN OR
WOMEN, WAS THIS ONE OF THE
HAPPIEST TIMES IN YOUR LIFE?
EVERYONE SAID THIS WAS MY HELL.
ONE WOMAN SAID GOD IS PUNISHING
ME.
I WOULD WISH THIS ON NO ONE,
OKAY.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE EXCITED
LOVE?
LOTS OF FIGHTS, LOT OF
CONFLICT.
NOT SEEING EACH OTHER, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE MONTHS, THEN GETTING
BACK INTENSE SEX, MOVING IT
OVER, OKAY.
AND IT MAKES SENSE BECAUSE
REMEMBER IF YOU'RE CONSTANTLY
SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE OUT OF
EXCITEMENT THE SERATONIN TURNS
INTO, IS, IS DIMINISHES AND
OXYTOCIN THE CUDDLE HORMONE
TAKES OVER.
SO THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN
MAINTAIN EXCITED LOVE IS YOU
MUST BREAK UP, GET BACK
TOGETHER, BREAK UP, BACK
TOGETHER.
HOW MANY, HOW MANY OF THE
STUDENTS IN THIS CLASSROOM ARE
IN THE PROCESS OF BREAKING UP
SO YOU CAN GET BACK TOGETHER TO
REEXPERIENCE THE SERATONIN
HIGH, OKAY.
SO THE BIG POINT.
HUMANS ARE NOT SEXUALLY
MONOGAMOUS, BUT THEY'RE
EMOTIONALLY MONOGAMOUS.
IN THIS, IN THIS ONE,
INTERESTING CASE, AND REMEMBER
MOST PEOPLE DON'T LOVE TWO
PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME.
SO THE INTERESTING CASE HERE
IS, IS, IS THEY'RE GRAPPLING
THEIR HELL, IS THE FACT THEY'RE
TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING THAT'S
SEXUALLY, THAT'S EMOTIONALLY
MONOGAMOUS INTO PLURALISM AND
THEY'RE FAILING, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ABOUT SEX DIFFERENCES ON,
ON LOVE AND BEING IN, LOVE?
DOROTHY TENNANT MAINTAINS
THERE'S NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE WAY MEN AND WOMEN
EXPERIENCE ROMANTIC LOVE, THAT
IN LOVE YOU'RE REALLY THE SAME.
CATHERINE DAVIDSON WHO IS AN,
AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR IN NORTH
CAROLINA DID AN INTERESTING
STUDY OF LOOKING AT LOVE IN, IN
EUROPE FROM THE GREEKS ALL THE
WAY TO MODERN TIMES.
AND SHE, IN, IN AN INTERVIEW
SHE REVEALS SOMETHING.
I DON'T THINK SHE EVEN REALIZED
HOW PROFOUND IT WAS.
SHE SAID ON THE TABLE ONE DAY,
ALL THE THINGS GOT, QUOTES I
WAS GONNA PUT IN THE BOOK GOT
SCATTERED, AND BUNCHED
TOGETHER.
AND I STARTED READING THEM AND
FOR A MOMENT I COULDN'T TELL
WHAT CENTURY THEY WERE FROM,
OKAY.
PEOPLE IN LOVE ARE ALL SPEAKING
KIND OF THE SAME THING IN TERMS
OF THAT.
BY THE WAY, THE NEUROBIOLOGISTS
NOW IN THE LAST TWO YEARS AGO,
CAME OUT WITH A, A POWERFUL
THING THAT SAYING THAT PEOPLE
IN LOVE MALES AND FEMALES HAVE
HIGH CORTISONE LEVELS THAT ARE
REMARKABLY THE SAME.
SO REMEMBER WE TALKED ABOUT SEX
DIFFERENCE?
DO MEN AND WOMEN HAVE A
DIFFERENT EROTIC CRITERIA, A
DIFFERENT EROTIC DRIVE?
IN LOVE, MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE
SAME.
WHEN MEN AND WOMEN TALK ABOUT
SEX THEY MIGHT BE USING THE
SAME WORDS, BUT THE MEANINGS
ASSOCIATED ARE OFTEN INCREDIBLY
DIFFERENT.
BUT WHEN MEN AND WOMEN TALK
ABOUT LOVE, THEY NOT ONLY USE
THE SAME DISCOURSE.
THERE, MEANING AND SUBJECTIVE
STATES ARE REMARKABLY SIMILAR,
ALL RIGHT?
HOW DOES CULTURE ORGANIZE THE
METAPHORS WE SPEAK ABOUT SEX
AND LOVE?
AH, OKAY, HOW A CULTURE
HIGHLIGHTS LOVE AND SEX
DETERMINES WHAT TYPE OF
METAPHOR WILL BE APPROPRIATE OR
INAPPROPRIATE.
LET ME, LET ME ADD JUST LECTURE
CRAP.
LET ME NAIL, NAIL THIS.
WE ARE ALSO MORAL ANIMALS AND
SEXUALITY AND ROMANTIC PASSION
ARE POWERFUL, POWERFUL
EMOTIONS, WHERE CULTURE
ATTEMPTS TO TRY TO HELP US AND
HELP ITSELF.
IN OTHER WORDS OR CITE
INDIVIDUALS IN A COMMUNITY TRY
TO HELP, HELP THEIR MEMBERS AND
THEMSELVES FOR THAT WAY BY
REGULATING WHAT'S APPROPRIATE
SPEAK, HOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT
LOVE AND SEX.
YOU MIGHT THINK OH, LOVE AND
SEX, JUST TALK ABOUT IT, DON'T
TALK ABOUT IT.
BUT IF YOU LOOK AT IT, AND, AND
ITS VERY REVEALING THAT YOU CAN
SUMMARIZE UP ALL CULTURES IN
THE WORLD HAVING THREE
DIFFERENT DOMINANT, DISCOURSE
PATTERNS.
ONE IS -- THIS IS TOTALLY ME.
THERE'S OTHER WAYS AND PROBABLY
EVEN BETTER WAYS TO TALKING
ABOUT IT.
ONE'S CALLED THE DE-EROTIC, THE
POLYEROTIC AND, AND UNI, OR
ONLY ROMANTIC, OKAY.
EACH DISCOURSE REFLECTS THE
CULTURE'S SYNTHESIS OVER THE
MEANING OF LOVE AND SEX.
LET'S LOOK AT THE, THE DE-
EROTIC.
IT PREFERS NOT TO USE EXPLICIT
SEXUAL METAPHORS IN PUBLIC
CONVERSATION.
IT'S DEEMED TOO CRUDE AND RUDE,
OKAY.
YOU WOULD JUST NOT SAY, OH,
SHE'S HOT.
OH, I REALLY LIKE HER.
I WANT TO, I REALLY WANT TO
HAVE SEX WITH HER, THAT'S
CONSIDERED BAD MANNERS.
THAT'S JUST OH, A LOWER, A
LOWER CLASS WOULD USE THAT.
YOU FIND THAT BY THE WAY IN
RANK IN STRATIFIED SOCIETIES
INTERESTING ENOUGH.
THE POLYEROTIC TENDS TO
ACCENTUATE SEXUAL INDUSTRY IN
ORDINARY SPEECH.
YOU'LL FIND THERE'S ALSO NO AGE
DIFFERENCE.
AH, 14 YEAR OLDS WILL BE
TEASING 50-YEAR OLD MEN.
50-YEAR OLD WOMEN WILL BE
TEASING 14 YEAR OLD BOYS.
AND ITS VERY, THE AKA PYGMY ARE
CONSTANTLY BANTERING SEXUALITY
AMONG EACH OTHERS ALL THE TIME.
AND THE TONGA WOMEN, AND ALSO
TOO IN THE BANTERING, THEY
OFTEN COME BACK, PUSH, HIT AND
TEASE AND EVERYONE KNOWS WHAT
IT MEANS.
AFRICAN-AMERICANS
ARE, USE A POLY, A
POLYEROTIC DISCOURSE
PARTICULARLY, PARTICULARLY NON-
COLLEGE EDUCATED.
ONE YOU MOVE INTO COLLEGE,
EDUCATED YOU'RE PICKING UP THE
THE DOMINANT MODEL, WHICH IS USING
A DE-EROTIC FORM OF IT, KIND OF
A RESPECTABILITY OF THE
MAINSTREAM.
AH, OKAY, NOW IT'S INTERESTING
WITH THE POLYEROTIC OFTEN
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT SEX AND IT
COULD MEAN LOVE.
IT COULD MEAN SEX AND IT COULD
MEAN NOTHING.
IT'S ALL, IT'S ALL, THERE'S
OTHER WAYS THAT THEY'RE LOOKING
AT IT, BUT IT'S HOW YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT IT.
BUT THE AMERICAN PATTERN AND
I'M NOT SURE IF THIS IS THE
CANADIAN PATTERN, IT'D BE
INTERESTING TO SEE LATER IS YOU
TEND TO IDEALIZE LOVE, WHICH
GLORIFIES PUBLIC DISPLAYS OF
AFFECTION IN SPEECH AND
BEHAVIOUR, AS LONG AS THE
DISPLAYS ARE NOT OVERTLY
SEXUAL.
IT'S PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE IN
EVERYBODY'S CLASSROOM,
EVERYONE'S OFFICE TO HAVE A
PICTURE OF YOUR LOVER, WIFE,
MARRIED OR NOT.
YOU CAN HAVE A, YOU CAN HAVE A
PICTURE OF YOU BOTH STANDING
WITH YOUR ARM AROUND ONE AND
OTHER.
PERFECT, APPROPRIATE, OKAY.
IT WOULD BE UNAPPROPRIATE IF
YOU HAD NO CLOTHES, ON, OKAY.

[laughter]

William continues BECAUSE
OKAY, BUT HERE COMES THE
INTERESTING POINT HERE.
CULTURES THAT FAVOUR THE POLY,
THE, THE, THE POLY PATTERN
DISAPPROVE OF PUBLIC
EXPRESSIONS OF LOVE AND
DISPLAYS OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.
IT'S OKAY TO BANTER ABOUT
SEXUALITY, BUT NOT SHOW LOVE,
OKAY.
THESE ARE CONSIDERED PRIVATE.
THE AMERICAN PATTERN, YOU
IDEALIZE LOVE AND IT SHOWS
DISPLAY IN SPEECH AND
BEHAVIOUR, BUT IT SHOULDN'T BE
SEXUAL, TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.
BY THE WAY, ETHNOGRAPHERS WHEN
THEY WENT TO SOCIETIES
ENCOUNTERED THESE DIFFERENT
DISCOURSES AND THEY REALLY
CONFUSED IT.
THEY WENT TO THE SOUTH SEAS
ISLANDS AND THEY FOUND A
POLYEROTIC SPEECH AND THEY SAID
THESE PEOPLE ARE FREE SEXUALLY.
THEY DON'T HAVE LOVE, BUT
THEY'RE FREE SEXUALLY, UNLIKE
THE VICTORIAN ENGLANDS AT THE
TIME.
BUT THEY REALLY MISUNDERSTOOD
THE COMPLEXITIES OF THIS TYPE
OF, OF, OF DISCOURSE.
SO NOW WHAT ARE CULTURES TO DO?
CULTURES TRY TO MANAGE IF YOU
WILL AND CONTROL ITS YOUTH.
IF YOU CONTROL ITS YOUTH, YOU
CONTROL ITS SEXUALITY.
AND OTHER WAYS IN WHICH PEOPLE
HAVE TRIED TO DO IT IS PRACTICE
HAREM POLGYANY, SECLUSION OF
WOMEN, CHAPERONES, OBSESSION
WITH VIRGINITY, AH,
CLITORDECTOMY, MEN'S HOUSE
COMPLEX.
ALL OF THESE PATTERNS OR AS
STRATEGIES ADOPTED TO UNCOUPLE
LOVE WITH FEELINGS OF SEXUAL
VARIETY.
THE MAURI ARE A HILL TRIBE IN
INDIA.
THEY'RE, THEY'RE NOT HINDU
INDIANS AT ALL BUT THEY'RE HILL
TRIBE AND THEY HAVE A DORM
CULTURE OF, OF SEXUALITY.
WHEN THE PERSON TURNS 13, 14,
THEY ALL MOVE OUT OF THEIR
HOUSE INTO THE DORM CULTURE,
WHERE THEY'RE ENCOURAGED TO
HAVE LOTS OF SEX.
BUT THEY HAVE AN OLDER TEENAGE
BOY OR GIRL, GENERALLY IT'S A
BOY AND HE ENSURES THAT THE
COUPLES ALWAYS HAVE A NEW
PARTNER EVERY THREE OR FOUR
DAYS.
THEY CAN'T HAVE THE SAME ONE.
WHY?
BECAUSE THEY'RE FEARFUL, OUT OF
CONTINUED SEXUALITY CAN COME A
LOVE CRUSH.
SO THEY'RE ENCOURAGING SEX BUT
NOT THE LOVE AND THEY'RE MAKING
INSTITUTIONAL WAYS TO GO WITH
THAT.
YOU FIND, YOU FIND CULTURES
THAT HAVE ATTEMPTED TO DILUTE
THE DIATIC BOND, SUCH AS THE
AMERICAN HIPPIE CULTURES,
ALWAYS FAILED.
MY RESEARCH IN MORMON POLYGAMY
LET ME, TELL YOU A COUPLE OF
THINGS ABOUT THAT.
THEY'RE BASED ON THE NOTION OF
BIG FAMILY.
AH, POLYGANY, THERE IDEA IS, IS
THAT GOD IS POLYGANOUS.
THAT PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD MUST
LEARN TO LIVE THE POLYGANOUS
LIFE.
IF YOU DO NOT VERY WELL WITH
IT, DON'T GIVE UP BECAUSE IN
THE NEXT WORLD YOU'LL HAVE MORE
PSYCHOLOGICAL POWERS IN ORDER
TO AH, AH, AH, OVERCOME
JEALOUSY.
THEY ADMIT JEALOUSY'S PRESENT.
BUT IT'S SOMETHING THAT YOU
HAVE TO FIGHT, SACRIFICE TO
OVERCOME.
THEY ALSO STRESS THAT YOU
SHOULD LOVE EVERYONE THE SAME.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE A PLURAL
LOVE, ATTACHMENT LOVE.
WHAT YOU FIND THOUGH IS A
COMPLETE FAILURE.
THAT IN EVERY SOCIETY THERE'S A
FAVOURITE WIFE.
YOU CAN GO DOWN THE STREET TO
ANY PERSON AND SAY IN THAT
FAMILY WHO'S THE FAVOURITE
WIFE?
AND THEY'LL SAY SO AND SO.
NOW IT'S VERY INTERESTING
BECAUSE THE MEN ARE ABLE TO
PICK A FAVOURITE WIFE.
THE WOMEN IF SHE BECOMES THE
FAVOURITE WIFE HAS INCREDIBLE
POWER WITHIN THE FAMILY BECAUSE
OF PRIMARY ACCESS TO THE, TO
THE HUSBAND.
AND THE ONES WHO GO FALL BY THE
WAYSIDE, WHICH I CALL RANK AND
FILE WIVES, THERE THE ONES THAT
ARE REALLY QUITE DIS,
DISADVANTAGED IN, IN, IN THAT
AREA.
BUT HERE'S THE POINT.
EVERYONE IS STRUGGLING FOR
EMOTIONAL AND SEXUAL ACCESS TO
THEIR HUSBAND, OKAY.
I JUST FINISHED DOING A CROSS
CULTURAL, STUDY OF POLYGANY
AROUND THE WORLD AND THIS
REALLY SURPRISED ME BECAUSE 90 percent
OF ALL THE QUARRELS, ALL THE
QUARRELS HAD TO DO WITH SEXUAL
AND EMOTIONAL ACCESS TO THE
HUSBAND.
WHEN I DID THE STUDY I THOUGHT
IT WOULD BE ABOUT CHILDREN,
ABOUT MONEY.
NOW YOU CAN SAY OUT OF SEX
COMES MONEY AND POWER AND ALL
OF THAT, THAT'S TRUE, OKAY.
BUT ALSO COMES OUT OF THIS IS
WANTING TO HAVE SEXUAL ACCESS.
THE, THE EXCEPTION PROVES THE
RULE HERE BECAUSE THE ONLY
PLACE THAT COWIVES GET ALONG,
TRULY GET ALONG BY THE MAJORITY
IS THE EAST AFRICAN HERDING
BELTS, WITH THE SAMURA, THE
MASAI AND WHATEVER.
AND WHY DO I SAY THEY PROVE THE
RULE?
BECAUSE IN THESE CULTURES THEY
HAVE INSTITUTIONALIZED AFFAIRS.
MEN AND WOMEN HAVE ARRANGED
MARRIAGES.
BUT THEN IT'S PERFECTLY
ACCEPTABLE IN THE COMMUNITY FOR
THE WOMAN TO HAVE A LOVER.
HAVING A LOVER MEANS SHE
DOESN'T HAVE TO COMPETE FOR
ACCESS TO HER HUSBAND, WHICH IS
A WHOLE OTHER THING AND
THEREFORE THE COWIVES GET MUCH,
GET ALONG MUCH BETTER.
IN CULTURES WHERE COWIVES
CANNOT HAVE LOVERS, OR RUN A
GREAT RISK YOU FIND THEN
INTENSE COMPETITION BETWEEN
COWIVES, AND IT'S NOT ABOUT
MATERIAL RESOURCES.
IT'S ABOUT EMOTIONAL RESOURCES.
NOW HOW IS IT, WE'RE ALMOST
DONE AND I, AND I, AND I,
THANKS FOR STAYING WITH ME ON
THE, ON THE METAPHOR BECAUSE I
WANT TO HIT HOME ON A POINT
HERE.
AND IT'S GONNA BE A LITTLE
UNCOMFORTABLE SEEING HOW THIS
PLAYS OUT WITH THIS AUDIENCE.
BUT I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A
DIFFERENT TAKE ON AMERICA AND
THE WHOLE SHIFT IN SEXUAL
HARASSMENT LAWS AT
UNIVERSITIES, BECAUSE AS WE ALL
KNOW AMERICA IS PROBABLY THE
MOST CONTRADICTORY CULTURE THAT
EVER WAS CREATED, AND THEREFORE
IT'S NOT SURPRISING IT WOULD
HAVE MULTIPLE TAKES ON THE
NOTIONS OF LOVE AND SEXUALITY.
[Coughs]
AND PARTLY THE
DILEMMA IN AMERICA
HAS BEEN PLAYED OUT ON THE,
WHAT THE PROPER DISCOURSE IN
PUBLIC CONVERSATION.
SHOULD THEY USE THE DE-EROTIC,
THE POLYEROTIC, OR THE UNI-
ROMANTIC?
IN FACT WE USE ALL OF THOSE.
AND WHERE DOES THIS GO WITH
AMERICAN UNIVERSITIES?
AND I WOULD SUSPECT THAT YOU
CAN CORRECT ME ON THIS WITH THE
HELP OF THE CANADIAN UNIVERSITIES.
THE PEOPLE TO REMEMBER HERE, IN
THE 1960S AND 70S, NORTH
AMERICANS WERE KIND OF PRUDISH,
AND IT WAS KIND OF IN TO TALK
ABOUT SEXUALITY.
IN FACT FOR YOUNG PROFESSORS TO
COME IN AND TALK ABOUT SEX
AND SAY THIS WAS GOOD FOR YOU.
IT WAS HEALTHY.
SEXUAL ENJOYMENT, RECREATIONAL,
GET OVER YOUR INHIBITIONS, IT
WAS KIND OF COOL, IT WAS
SUPPORTED BY THE ENTIRE
COMMUNITY OF SCHOLARS INCLUDING
THE ADMINISTRATION.
IN FACT THE HIPPIE MOVEMENT,
MOVING BEYOND THE UNIVERSITY,
BUT REALLY WAS CENTERED IN THE
UNIVERSITY DID WHAT IN TERMS OF
METAPHORS THEY USED TO TALK
ABOUT LOVE AND SEX?
IT, IT TOOK, IT CAME FROM A DE-
EROTIC BACKGROUND, APPROPRIATE
PLACE TO TALK ABOUT LOVE AND
SEX, AND IT SAID WOMEN ARE
EQUAL TO MEN.
SO LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX WITH
WOMEN PRESENT AND ESSENTIALLY
LET'S PLAY AND JOKE ABOUT SEX
BECAUSE SEX IS VALUABLE.
WE COME FROM INHIBITED FAMILY
BACKGROUNDS, SO LET'S BANTER
ABOUT IT.
ESSENTIALLY LET'S ADOPT, THEY
WORKED OUT IF YOU WILL, THE
MIDDLE CLASS, AND UPPER MIDDLE
CLASS ANGLOS WORKED AT A
POLYEROTIC SPEECH FOR THE IDEA
AND PURPOSE WAS LIBERATION.
SELF-ACTUALIZATION THROUGH
SPEECH IF YOU WILL, OKAY.
THIS BECAME BY THE WAY,
APPROPRIATE AT UNIVERSITIES FOR
ABOUT TEN YEARS, OKAY.
THEN YOU SEE A REACTION, OKAY.
WHAT IS THE REACTION?
THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE SPEECH IN
THIS CONTEXT.
WHAT YOU REALLY ARE SEEING WITH
THE WHOLE SEXUAL HARASSMENT
LAWS IN MANY WAYS, AT LEAST IN
THE DOMAIN OF SPEECH HERE.
THEN WE GO IN THE SENSE OF
DATING AND ALL THAT.
BUT IT FITS IN A DIFFERENT
LIGHT.
IN TERMS OF SPEECH IS
ESSENTIALLY A CORRECTION TO THE
HIPPIE MOVEMENT'S ATTEMPT TO GO
FROM DE-EROTIC TO POLYEROTIC
AND WE'RE REALLY MOVING BACK IF
YOU WILL TO A DE-EROTIC
CONTEXT.
NOW PROFESSIONALLY IT'S
CONSIDERED TO BE CRUDE TO
REALLY BRING THAT UP IN THE, IN
MIXED COMPANY OKAY.
AND WE'VE REALLY SETTLED BACK
IF YOU WILL INTO THE 1950'S
NOTION OF, OF APPROPRIATE
SEXUAL METAPHORS WITH THE
APPROPRIATE CONTEXT IN THAT.
THERE'S MULTIPLE ELEMENTS GOING
HERE.
ALICE SCHLEGEL WHO'S THE
FOREMOST SCHOLAR IN THE WORLD
ON, ON LOOKING AT ADOLESCENCE
GAVE A TALK AT, AT, AT NEVADA
AND THE TITLE SAYS IT ALL.
IT WAS CALLED, "ADOLESCENCE THE
TRIBAL PART."
AND SHE ARGUES THAT EUROPEAN
CULTURE AND I WOULD SAY CHINESE
CULTURE RAISED YOUTH WITHIN THE
CULTURE.
BUT AMERICA, AND I DON'T KNOW
IF THIS GOES TO CANADIAN AS
WELL, I SUPPOSE IT DOES.
WE RAISE OUR YOUTH APART.
THEY'RE A TRIBE APART.
AND WHAT REALLY HAPPENS IN
TERMS OF THE AGE THING IS
BECAUSE IT'S NOT CHRONOLOGICAL
AGE, IT'S HOW YOU FIT IN.
WHAT REALLY THERE COMES THE
APPROPRIATE, NOTICE I QUALIFY
THE DATING FROM THE SPEECH,
BECAUSE THE IDEA IS YOU CAN
DATE ANYONE WITHIN YOUR AGE
COHERT.
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT SEX WITH
ANYONE WITHIN YOUR AGE OR
APPEARS TO BE A MEMBER OF YOUR
AGE COHERT.
SO WHAT YOU FIND HERE IN SOME
WAYS IS THE REACTION TO THE
HIPPIE MOVEMENT IN SO MANY
WAYS, WAS ALSO A REACTION TO
GOING BACK TO A BASIC, AMERICAN
VALUE AND THAT IS THAT YOUTH
ARE A TRIBE APART.
AND YOU SHOULD LET THEM BE A
TRIBE APART.
YOU WITH ME?
SO, WHAT YOU REALLY ARE SEEING
HERE IS A RETURN TO A, A BRIEF
EXPERIMENT AND A RETURN BACK TO
IT AS THE CULTURAL LOGIC.
AS ANY PARENT HERE IN THIS
CLASS WHO HAS A TEENAGER KNOWS,
YOUR JOB IS TO PAY THE BILLS,
PAY FOR THEIR CAR INSURANCE AND
LEAVE THEM ALONE.
OKAY, FOUR POINTS THAT I'VE
TRIED TO MAKE HERE.
LONG STUFF, PULL IT ALL OVER,
WHAT ARE THE POINTS?
ONE, IT'S MY CONTENTION THAT
PASSIONATE LOVE AND SEXUAL
DESIRE ARE TWO OF THE MOST
POWERFUL HUMAN EMOTIONS.
THESE EMOTIONS ARE ORGANIZED AT
DIFFERENT CULTURAL AND
PSYCHOLOGICAL CRITERIA THAT
PUTS THEM IN SOME WAYS IN
COMPETITION WITH ONE AND OTHER.
POINT TWO, SEX AND LOVE ARE
FUNDAMENTAL EXPERIENCES OFTEN
RESULT IN STRONG, EMOTIONAL,
BONDS, WHICH EVERY HUMAN
CULTURE MUST DEAL, WITH.
THERE CANNOT BE ONE WITHOUT AN
OTHER.
A DISHEARTENING FACT IN
CULTURES WHERE THE GOAL IS TO
BLEND THE TWO.
BUT THIS EXAMINATION IS PRIMARY
CONCERNED WITH THE
RELATIONSHIP.
RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE
UNIVERSAL.
CULTURES REALIZE THEY MUST
INSTRUCT THEIR MEMBERS ON HOW
TO AVOID ROMANTIC MANIPULATION,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY HOW TO
RECOGNIZE APPROPRIATE HUMAN
AFFECTION.
EACH CULTURE TELLS ITS MEMBERS
WHAT LOVE IS AND WHAT IT'S NOT.
AND WILL, AND MEMBERS TEND TO
DEPEND, DEPEND ON IT'S OFFICIAL
EXPLANATION FOR HOW THESE TWO
SHOULD PUT TOGETHER, OKAY.
BUT IN EXPLAINING APPROPRIATE,
PUBLIC DISCOURSE, IN EXPLAINING
HOW YOU SHOULD ACT DOES NOT AT
ALL ACCOUNT FOR THE EMERGENCE
OF AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF
PRIVATE BEHAVIOUR THAT IS OFTEN
AT ODDS.
AS EACH INDIVIDUAL IN THEIR OWN
MIND, IN THEIR OWN LIVES TRIES
TO WORK OUT THIS PARTICULAR
PRIVATE PATHOS, BECAUSE THERE'S
A PERENNIAL TENSION BETWEEN
LOVE AND, AND LUST THAT MUST BE
ADDRESSED, BRACKETED AND
MANAGED.
FINALLY I'D LIKE TO END WITH
SOME COMMENTS BY THE GREAT
IRISH POET, WILLIAM YATES,
WHICH REVEALED THE INDIVIDUAL
STRUGGLE TO INTEGRATE THESE
DUALLING PASSIONS.
YATES NOTED THAT HE HAD
LABOURED FOR NEARLY HALF HIS
LIFE UNDER THE CULTURAL
IMPERATIVE OF UPHOLDING THE
ARISTOCRATIC CONVENTIONS AND
REFINEMENTS OF HIGH BROW LOVE.
BUT CAME IN TIME TO REALIZE
THIS POSTURE COULD BE MORE,
DISSIDENT THEN ANY SOCIAL
RESTRAINT.
IN THE END YATES UNDERSTOOD
THAT THE CONVENTIONAL LANGUAGE
OF ROMANTIC LOVE, THE TRADITION
THAT HE INHERITED AS A POET,
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY AS A MAN,
HAD BECOME AN INBRED, PRIVATE
LANGUAGE INCREASINGLY REMOVED
FROM TRUE PASSION AND REAL
FEELING.
THE VOLATILE NATURE OF
CONTEMPORARY LIFE ENSURES THAT
WE ALL HERE TONIGHT, ESPECIALLY
MEMBERS OF ITS PROFESSIONAL
CLASS WILL CONTINUE AS
OBSERVERS AND PARTICIPANTS TO
CONFRONT IN OUR OWN WAY THE
MEANING OF YATES' DILEMMA.
THANK YOU.

[Audience applauding]

Watch: William Jankowiak on emotional monogamy.