Transcript: Parenting | Mar 26, 2001

The title “More to family” appears inside the shape of a house.

The opening sequence shows a wooden table with a small lit candle as several words fly by: Relationships, education, caregivers, home and family.
Fast clips show different sets of hands performing activities on the table such as drawing a big red heart, tuning a violin, flipping through the pages of a book, cooking, and pouring a glass of red wine.
In animation, the title appears inside the shape of a house: “More to life.”

Maureen Taylor sits in a studio with yellow walls and a carved board that reads “More to life” in the background.

Maureen is in her late thirties, with wavy auburn hair in a bob. She wears a grayish brown long skirt, turtleneck sweater and cardigan and a gold bracelet.

She says HI. I’M MAUREEN TAYLOR.
AND WELCOME TO “MORE TO LIFE.”
VIOLENCE, SEX, DRUGS. FORGET ABOUT
TURNING ON THE TUBE. THESE ARE ALL
AVAILABLE AT YOUR NEAREST SCHOOL.
VERY SCARY, ISN’T IT? BUT BEFORE YOU
TURN TO ICE THINKING ABOUT PARENTING
A CHILD TODAY, PICK UP THE PHONE.
MY GUEST IS PARENTING EXPERT BARBARA
COLOROSO.
HER BOOKS: ‘KIDS ARE WORTH IT” AND
“PARENTING THROUGH CRISIS” HAVE HELPED
MANY PARENTS THROUGH THE TOUGH TIMES AND
WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU THIS AFTERNOON.
IS YOUR TEEN UNCOOPERATIVE? DO YOU NEED
TO KNOW HOW TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN
YOU’RE GETTING A DIVORCE? HERE ARE THE NUMBERS
TO CALL: IN TORONTO 416-484-2727,
LONG DISTANCE IS
1-888-411-1234. OUR E-MAIL ADDRESS IS
MORETOLIFE@TVO.ORG

A caption reads “Barbara Coloroso. Kids are worth it.”

Barbara is in her late fifties, with wavy white hair in a bob cut. She wears a forest green suit and top and a delicate pair of earrings.

Maureen says GOOD TO SEE YOU
AGAIN.

Barbara says IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.
ALWAYS GOOD.

Maureen says STALE LOT OF
TRAGEDY IN THE NEWS THESE
DAYS.
MORE SCHOOL SHOOTINGS, HERE
IN TORONTO A STREET MOM'S
BABY STARVED TO DEATH.
THERE'S AN INQUEST.
ALL OF THIS -- WHAT AFFECT
DOES ALL OF THIS BAD NEWS
HAVE, DO YOU THINK ON
PARENTS TODAY?

Barbara says WELL, MORE THAN IT SHOULD,
I THINK.
STILL, STATISTICALLY IN BOTH
OF OUR COUNTRY, THE SAFEST
PLACE FOR A CHILD TO BE IS
IN SCHOOL.
HOME IS SECOND, ACTUALLY, TO
SCHOOL.
AND YET WITH ALL THE MEDIA,
AND THEN THE TWO SHOOTINGS
RIGHT IN A ROW IN CALIFORNIA,
IT DOES MAKE US WORRIED.
AND WE NEED TO BE CONCERNED.
NOT WORRIED, BUT BE TRULY
CONCERNED, AWARE AND ALERT
AND INVOLVED.

Maureen says DO YOU THINK
PARENTS TODAY ARE TENDING
TO -- HOW WOULD YOU
CATEGORIZE THIS?
OVERPROTECTIVE OR TOO
LAISEE FAIRE?

Barbara says THE GAMUT.
WE'VE GOT PEOPLE WHO DON'T
WANT THEIR KIDS TO GO TO
SCHOOL RIGHT NOW, AND I'M
NOT SAYING THEY OPT TO HOME
SCHOOL FOR THAT REASON.
THERE ARE LOFTS GOOD REASONS
TO HOME SCHOOL CHILDREN BUT
SOME ARE OPTING BECAUSE THE
PLACE IS NOT SAFE, THEY
DON'T THINK.
BECAUSE THEY'VE HEARD
RUMOURS.
AND OTHERS SAY OH, WELL,
KIDS ARE KIDS.
BULLYING'S BEEN HAPPENING
SINCE I WAS A LITTLE KID AND
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
AND IT IS SOMETHING TO BE
CONCERNED ABOUT.
AGAIN, GUY BACK TO THE BACKBONE
PARENT, A VERY CONCERNED,
AWARE, ALERT AND TUNED INTO
OUR KIDS.
WE NEED TO BE LISTENING, AND
FULLY ALERT.
GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE OF A
BRICK WALL AND JELLYFISH
RESPONSE IN SANTEE, IN CALIFORNIA,
AT THE SLEEPOVER THAT THE
YOUNG BOY WAS AT WHO DID THE
CARNAGE THE NEXT DAY, HE WAS
SAYING THAT HE WAS GOING TO
BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL AND
KILL SOME PEOPLE.
AND ONE OF THE ADULTS IN
THAT HOME SAID, FINGER
POINTING, “IF YOU SAY THAT
AGAIN, I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU
TO THE POLICE” AND SO
WHAT DID THE KID SAY?
“I WAS JUST KIDDING.”
THE OTHER KIDS WERE
LISTENING TO IT, AND EVEN
REPORTED IT TO SOME ADULTS,
AND THEY SAID, “OH, HE
WOULDN'T DO THAT.”
THAT'S THE BRICK WALL AND
THE JELLYFISH RESPONSE.
WHAT I WOULD HOPE WE WOULD
DO FROM NOW ON -- I MEAN, WE
CAN'T CHANGE WHAT'S
HAPPENED.
PEOPLE SAY “WHY?”
I SAID DON'T ASK WHY.
ASK WHAT CAN WE DO TO KEEP
IT FROM HAPPENING IN OUR OWN
COMMUNITIES AND FROM
HAPPENING AGAIN TO ANY
CHILD.
IS WHEN A KID SAYS THAT, I
WOULD SAY COME HERE.
TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
AND NOT BE TALKING MYSELF
BUT LISTENING.
AND WHAT I SUSPECT WOULD
HAVE COME UP, HAVING WORKED
WITH A LOT OF TROUBLED YOUTH
MYSELF AND YOUNG OFFENDERS
IS THE HURT, THE PAIN AND
THE ISOLATION THAT KID WAS
FEELING WOULD HAVE COME
THROUGH WITH A LISTENING
EAR.
A PARENT ALERT LISTENING,
NOT PUNISHING OR SAYING OH
HE WOULDN'T DO THAT.
AND THEN WE HAVE TO TOQUE
OUR KIDS ABOUT THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TELLING
AND TATTLING.
BIG DIFFERENCE AND YOU START
THAT YOUNG.

Maureen says I'M GLAD YOU
BROUGHT UP THAT.
BECAUSE A SITUATION'S COME
TO MY ATTENTION, MOTHER
FINDS OUT SOME OF HER SON'S
FRIENDS HAVE BEEN SMOKING
DRUGS.
THESE ARE 13-YEAR-OLDS.
THAT'S YOUNG.
SHE ASKS HIM, ARE YOU DOING
IT?
HE SAYS NO, I'M NOT DOING IT
AND IF I WAS, I WOULDN'T
TELL YOU.

Barbara says SO DON'T ASK THAT WAY.

Maureen says OKAY WHAT WAY DO
YOU ASK?

Barbara says FIRST OF ALL CAN WE DO
TELLING AND TATTLING?
I WANT TO TEACH A VERY YOUNG
CHILD THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THREE THINGS IS IT IN
TROUBLE, IS IT OUT OF
TROUBLE OR IS IT BOTH?
IF IT'S IN TROUBLE, DON'T
TELL ME.
IF IT'S OUT OF TROUBLE, TELL
ME.
IF IT'S BOTH, I NEED TO
KNOW.

Maureen says AND WHAT DO YOU
MEAN BY THOSE?

Barbara says A LITTLE KID COMES
RUNNING UP AND I'LL USE A
SCHOOL EXAMPLE ON THE
PLAYGROUND BUT THEY USUALLY
COME UP AND SAY Mrs. C,
Mrs. C, JOHNNY'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SWINGS
AND HE'S ON THE SWINGS TODAY,
BECAUSE YESTERDAY HE DIDN'T
SHARE BUT TODAY HE'S ON THE
SWING.
AND THIS IS A SELF-APPOINTED
PLAYGROUND MONITOR AND I
WOULD SAY IN, OUT OR BOTH?
AND THEY WOULD LOOK AT ME
AND GO IN.
BECAUSE THAT'S ONLY GOING TO
GET HIM IN TROUBLE.
NOW JOHNNY CAN BE ON THE
SWINGS AND HE'S LEAPED OFF,
LEAPT OFF THE SWING, PARDON
MY ENGLISH, AND CAUGHT HIS
ARM ON THE SWING.
SHOULD YOU TELL ME?
AND THE LITTLE KIDS SAY YEAH,
BECAUSE IT'S OUT OF TROUBLE.
WE'LL GET HIM OUT OF
TROUBLE.
NOW WHAT IF HE'S NOT
SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE SWING,
AND HE IS NOW ON THE SWING?
IT'S BOTH, I NEED TO KNOW.
IF IT'S EVER BOTH, I NEED TO
KNOW.
SO IF YOU TEACH KIDS THOSE
DISTINCTIONS, WHEN KIDS COME
RUNNING UP I'LL SAY IN, OUT
OR BOTH, AND SOMETIMES
THEY'LL GO IN AND THEY'LL
WALK AWAY BUT I'VE ALSO HAD
SITUATION WHERE LITTLE ONES
COME UP AND SAY Mrs. C,
Mrs. C, I SAY IN, OUT OR
BOTH AND THEY'LL GO I DON'T
KNOW.
AND I SAY WELL THEN ALWAYS
TELL ME IF YOU DON'T KNOW.
BECAUSE THERE'S OFTEN A FINE
LINE.
BUT IF YOU LOOK AT THAT IN
OUT OR BOTH, THEN WHEN YOU
GET TEENAGERS, WE'VE TAUGHT
THEM DON'T TATTLE, DON'T
TATTLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU
TATTLE AND THEN WHY DON'T
YOU TELL?
WE DIDN'T GIVE THEM THE
ABILITY TO DISCERN THE
DIFFERENCE.
DISCERNMENT'S SO CRITICAL TO
START TEACHING AT A YOUNG
AGE.
SO IF YOUR YOUNG FRIEND IS
BINDING HER FIVE MONTH
PREGNANCY UP, AND HER
FRIENDS SAYS DON'T TELL
ANYBODY, THAT GIRL'S GOT A
DILEMMA BUT SHE HAS A TOOL.
IF I TELL I'M GOING TO GET
HER IN TROUBLE.
IF I DON'T TELL, HER BABY
AND SHE ARE GOING TO BE IN
LOTS OF TROUBLE.
SO IT'S BOTH.
I NEED TO TELL.
IF SOMEBODY SAYS “HERE'S THE
LIST OF PEOPLE I'M GOING TO
KNOCK OFF AT SCHOOL, SHOULD
YOU TELL ME?
YEAH, IT'S GOING TO GET THAT
KID IN HEAPS OF TROUBLE, BUT
IT'S GOING TO GET HIM AND A
LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF
TROUBLE.”
SO IT'S BOTH, I NEED TO
KNOW.
NOW, BACK TO THE DRUGS.
WE DON'T SAY ARE YOU USING
DRUGS?!
IT'S LIKE KID WITH COOKIE ON
HIS FACE?
WE SAY DID YOU EAT THAT
COOKIE?

Maureen says WE ALREADY KNOW
THAT THEY DID.

Barbara says YEAH.
SO YOU SAY TO A LITTLE ONE
THAT'S YOUR SUPPER COOKIE.
SO HE KNOWS THE CONSEQUENCE
IS ALREADY THERE.
WITH A TEENAGER, IF YOU
KNOW, AND THAT MEANS YOU
HAVE TO BE ALERT TO WHAT THE
SIGNS OF DRUG AND ANOTHER
ONE, INHALE LANT USE, IF
KIDS HAVE SORES ON THEIR
MOUTH AND LITTLE STRANGE
LOOK IN THEIR EYES AND TO
WANT GAS UP THE CAR EVERY
CHANCE THEY CAN, IN A
BLIZZARD OFFER TO GAS
EVERYBODY ELSE'S CAR, YOU
HAVE A PROBLEM.
SO WE NEED TO BE AGAIN
CONCERNED AND ALERT.
AND IF WE KNOW IT TO BE TRUE,
THEN WE DON'T SAY “ARE YOU.”
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THE BOY
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT SAID,
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO
TELL YOU ANYWAY.
BUT I SAY SON, I HAVE
SERIOUS CONCERNS HERE, AND I
NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
AND THESE ARE THE SIGNS THAT
I HAVE THAT YOU'RE USING
DRUGS.
AND WE NEED TO TALK.
AND I THINK WE NEED TO DO IT
WITH A THIRD PARTY.

Maureen says AND WHO'S THAT
THIRD HEART AND.

Barbara says A COUNSELLOR.

Maureen says EVEN AT THE
FIRST SIGN OF USE?

Barbara says I WANT TO -- YEAH.
WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF
ISSUES HERE.
FIRST OF ALL -- AND USE AND
ABUSE ARE VERY -- THEY'RE
DIFFERENT.
BUT I WANT TO GET AT IS IT
AN ISSUE THAT WE SHOULD BE
CONCERNED ABOUT OR NOT?
BUT I THINK ALWAYS WHEN IT'S
BEING USED IN A FAMILY THAT
WE NEED SOMEBODY OUTSIDE OF
OURSELVES TO KIND OF HELP TO
LOOK AT IT.
AND IF IT IS EXPERIMENTATION,
IT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN
AGAIN A THIRD PARTY CAN EVEN
HELP US THROUGH THAT AND SAY
LET'S LOOK AT WHAT OTHER
THINGS YOU CAN BE DOING.

Maureen says BUT IF YOU HAVE
NO SIGNS YOURSELF THAT HE'S
USING, YOU'RE JUST -- THESE
WERE CLOSE FRIENDS OF HIS
WHO DEFINITELY WERE --

Barbara says I'D SAY KID, I HAVE SOME
CONCERNS ABOUT THE KIDS
YOU'RE HANGING WITH BECAUSE
I KNOW THEY'RE USING DRUGS.
AND I KNOW IT'S REAL HARD TO
RESIST PEER PRESSURE.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
WHAT ARE SOME LINES YOU CAN
SAY?
AND I WOULD ALSO THEN
REITERATE THE CONCERNS ABOUT
DRUG USAGE.
MY CONCERN IN MY COUNTRY,
EVEN MORE THAN YOURS, THE
TWO MOST ABUSED DRUGS IN
BOTH OF OUR COUNTRIES ARE
BOTH LISTED ALCOHOL AND TO
BE BACK COACH.
AND WE JUST KIND SAY WELL,
SINCE THEY'RE LEGAL I'M NOT
SO CONCERNED BUT THERE'S
DEVASTATING EFFECTS WITH
THOSE WHEN THERE'S
ADDICTION.
AND SO I'M ALERT AND AWARE
AND CONCERNED.
I GUESS THAT'S THE BIG
THING.
ALERT, AWARE AND CONCERNED.

Maureen says AND THAT'S GOOD
PARENTING.
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
PARENTING THIS AFTERNOON
WITH THE EXPERT, BARBARA
COLOROSO, HERE TO TAKE YOUR
QUESTIONS.
ALWAYS A VERY POPULAR SHOW.
HERE ARE THE NUMBERS, TRY TO
GET THROUGH. 416-484-2727 IN TORONTO,
LONG DISTANCE IS
1-888-411-1234. OUR E-MAIL ADDRESS IS
MORETOLIFE@TVO.ORG
TRACY IS IN
HUNTSVILLE.
HI TRACY.

Tracy says HI.

Maureen says HI.
MY QUESTION IS --

Tracy says MY QUESTION IS I
HAVE AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD SON
WHO AT BEDTIME --
SORRY, HE'S GOING TO BE
EIGHT.

Barbara says OH, WE'VE GOT TO GET IT
RIGHT.
I KNOW.
MY SON WAS ALMOST SIX WHEN
HE TURNED FIVE.
(LAUGHING)

Maureen says OKAY, AT
BEDTIME --

Tracy says OKAY SO AT
BEDTIME I'M HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING HIM TO SETTLE DOWN
BECAUSE AT NIGHT IS WHEN HE
DECIDES TO BE AFRAID OF
DYING.
YOU KNOW, HE'S LYING IN BED
AND HE'S, YOU KNOW, HE'S
GETTING QUITE UPSET AND I'M
AFRAID, I'M AFRAID TO DIE.

Barbara says HAVE THERE BEEN ANY
RECENT DEATHS IN THE FAMILY
OR WITH PETS?

Tracy says NO.

Barbara says ANYBODY SCHOOL OR FRIENDS
THAT HE'S HAD WHOSE -- OTHER
SUPREME DIED IN THEIR
FAMILIES THAT YOU KNOW OF?

Tracy says NO, NOT THAT I
KNOW OF.

Barbara says OKAY, ONCE THAT'S OUT OF
THE WAY THEN WE CAN LOOK AT
WHAT'S SO NORMAL BETWEEN
SEVEN AND NINE TO
TEN-YEAR-OLDS, AND THAT IS
WHEN THEY COGNITIVELY CAN
UNDERSTAND DEATH.
UP TO THAT POINT, OH, MOMMY,
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WHEN HE'S DONE BEING DEAD,
HE'LL BE BACK.
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD WILL COME UP
WITH THAT.
BUT BY SEVEN THEY'RE
REALIZING DEAD'S FOREVER.
AND THIS IS A SCARY THING.
SO PART OF THAT IS A
FUNCTION OF AGE.
AND IT'S A VERY COMMON THING
AT THAT AGE.
IF THERE'S BEEN A RECENT
DEATH, THEN WE ALSO EXPLORE
THE ISSUES AROUND THAT
DEATH.
BUT WE JUST NEED TO KNOW
THAT KIDS AT THAT AGE WONDER
HOW FAST IT TAKES TO BACK
SKELETON, AND YOU'RE GOING
“WHAT?!”
BUT THOSE ARE THE CONCERNS.
AND ONCE THEY REALIZE THEY
CAN DIE, THEN THERE IS OFTEN
THE CONCERN THAT THEY CAN
DIE.
AND WE -- THAT OLD PRAYER,
NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP,
I PRAY MY LORD MY SOUL TO
KEEP, IF I SHOULD DIE....”
I MEAN WHY, WOULD WE TEACH
KIDS --

Maureen says MY MOTHER USED
TO -- IT'S A HORRIBLE
THOUGHT.

Barbara says ESPECIALLY THAT AGE.
THAT AGE IS OH, MY, IT'S
REAL!
AND THE BEST THING I CAN DO,
SUGGEST FOR TO YOU DO, IS AT
NIGHT TIME, TO AGAIN LISTEN.
AND HAVE SOME COMFORTING
ACTIVITIES WITH HIM,
SOOTHING MASSAGE, TOP OF THE
HEAD, ACROSS THE BACK,
BOTTOM THE FEET.
THE CHINESE KNEW IT WELL,
THE EYES ARE THE WINDOW OF
THE SOUL BUT FEET ARE THE
DOOR WAY TO THE BODY SO
WHILE YOUR SON'S TALKING TO
YOU, YOU CAN BE RUBBING HIS
FEET FIRMLY, ONE IT CALMS
HIM DOWN AND TWO IF HE'S
REAL OVER ACTIVE HE CAN'T
GET OUT OF BED AND YOU'RE
RUBBING HIS FEET AND THEN
LISTEN TO HIS CONCERNS,
INSTEAD OF SAYING OH, NO
THAT WON'T HAPPEN, BUT SAY
TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
TALK TO ME.
WONDERFUL LINE YOU CAN USE
ANY TIME KIDS ARE WORRIED OR
ANXIOUS, “TALK TO ME.”
AND LISTEN TO THEM INSTEAD
OF INTERJECTING REAL
QUICKLY.
TALK TO ME AND HE MIGHT TALK
ABOUT A GM ERBIL AT SCHOOL
THAT DIED OR A FRIEND'S
FATHER WHO'S DYING, OR
SIBLING IN THE CLASSROOM,
AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
ABOUT IT.

Maureen says DO YOU LET THEM
AT THAT AGE GO BACK TO
KEEPING A LIGHT ON OR COMING
INTO YOUR BED?

Barbara says I AVOID THE COMING INTO
THE BED.

Maureen says YOU WOULD, EH?

Barbara says AT THAT AGE, YES.
UNLESS THERE'S BEEN A REAL
TRAUMA IN THEIR LIVES.
WHEN MY MIDDLE DAUGHTER,
MARIA WAS DIAGNOSED WITH
CANCER -- AND SHE WAS 17 --
SHE SPENT A WEEK OUR BED.
I HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT THAT.
DAWN WAS -- DOVES HERE, I
WAS HERE AND SHE HELD ONTO
ME FOR A WEEK.
BECAUSE SHE NEEDED THAT.
AND SO IF THERE'S BEEN A
REAL TRAUMA, BUT IF IT'S NOT,
AND IT'S JUST A REAL CONCERN
HE HAS, I WOULD SAY I'M
GOING TO BE HERE FOR YOU
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
AND IF HE SAYS MOMMY I WANT
THE LIGHT LEFT ON.

Maureen says YEAH, OKAY.

Barbara says I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH
THAT.

Maureen says ALL RIGHT, TRACY,
THANKS FOR YOUR CALL, GOOD
LUCK.
SUSAN IS IN ALEXANDRE DRAFT.
HIGH SUSAN.

Susan says HELLO.

Maureen says HELLO.

Susan says I LOVE YOUR BOOK,
KIDS ARE WORTH IT.
I LOVE IT.
MY PROBLEM IS I HAVE AN
EIGHT-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.
SHE'S VERY TINY, AND I'M
SMALL MYSELF, AND SHE'S
GETTING QUITE PICKED AT NOW.
THIS YEAR MORE THAN EVER.
TO A POINT THAT SHE DOESN'T
TO WANT GO TO SCHOOL.
SHE'LL GO DOWN TO THE LAKE
CRYING, “CAN I PLEASE STAY
HOME?”

Barbara says IT'S CALLED BULLYING.

Susan says YES.

Barbara says WE CALL IT JUST TEASING,
BUT THERE'S A BIG
DISTINCTION BETWEEN TEASING
AND BULLYING.
I HEARD IT AFTER COLUMBINE
WHERE I SAID WOULD SAY --
I'M FROM LITTLETON, COLORADO,
WHERE THEY SAY “EVERYONE
GETS TEASED AND JUST
BECAUSE IT'S COMMON DOESN'T
MAKE IT RIGHT.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN TEASING AND
BULLYING.
AND AS A GOOD FRIEND OF
YOURS WOULD SAY “OH, OFF
BOYFRIEND.”
THAT'S TEASING.
BUT IF I START CALLING YOU
NAMES AND MAKING YOU
OBJECTIFIED FOR YOUR RACE,
RELIGION, GENDER, PHYSICAL
OR MENTAL ABILITY, AND WHAT
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE IS
PHYSICAL STATURE, WE REALLY
DO NEED TO BE ON IT.
AND WHAT I WOULD DO, WHAT I
WOULD SUGGEST YOU DO, AND
KIDS DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU
WHAT'S REALLY HAPPENING
BECAUSE ONE, OFF THE VICTIMS
ARE FEELING SHAMEFUL THAT
THEY'VE SOMEHOW CAUSED THIS
AND TWO, THEY'RE NOT SURE
YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT
IT, AND THREE, IT'S GOING TO
MAKE IT WORSE AT SCHOOL, AND
INDEED THEY MAY BE RIGHT.
BUT I THINK IT'S REAL
IMPORTANT TO SAY “ARE KIDS
PICKED ON AT SCHOOL AND” TO
ASK THAT QUESTION.
BECAUSE THEY WON'T COME OUT
AND SAY “I'M BEING PICKED
ON.”
UNLESS SHE HAS OF COURSE,
AND A GOOD DIALOGUE AT HOME,
AND IS A SAFE ENVIRONMENT,
KIDS WILL COME OFTEN AND
TELL YOU THAT KIDS ARE
CALLING THEM NAMES AND THE
LIKE.
AND I SAY TALK TO ME ABOUT
IT.
AGAIN THE LINE, TOQUE ME
ABOUT IT.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
AND LISTEN, AND THEN GIVE
HER THE TOOLS TO NOT BE A
VICTIM.

Maureen says AND WHAT ARE
THOSE?

Barbara says TO BE COMING BACK WITH
HUMOUR.
A QUICK COMEBACK ABOUT HER
STATURE AND SAYS “I COME BY
IT QUITE HONESTLY, MY
MOTHER'S SHORTER THAN I.”
AND QUICK THINGS LIKE THAT
THAT DON'T ATTACK THE OTHER
PERSON.
BECAUSE AGGRESSION BEGETS
MORE AGGRESSION.
IF YOU GET AGGRESSIVE AND
YOU'RE THE WEAKER ONE,
THEY'LL GET EVEN MORE
AGGRESSIVE.
PASSIVITY INVITES IT SO YOU
DON'T WANT TO BE THE PASSIVE,
WILLING VICTIM BECAUSE THEY
LOVE IT.
IT'S LIKE A BULLY IS HUNGRY
FOR THAT AND THEY'RE EATING
UP THE FACT THAT OH, YOU'RE
INTIMIDATED BY IT YOU FEEL
BAD ABOUT IT, YEA.

Maureen says MAKES THEM FEEL
POWERFUL.

Barbara says ASSERTION THOUGH CAN
DISSIPATE IT.
THE OTHER PERSON'S
AGGRESSION.
WHEN YOU ARE ASSERTIVE, THEN
YOU CAN COME BACK WITH
HUMOUR, YOU CAN SAY YOU KNOW,
THAT HURTS WHEN YOU SAY THAT
TO ME, AND I DON'T NEED THAT
IN MY LIFE ANYMORE THAN
YOU'D NEED TO BE CALLED
SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR SIZE.
GIVE THEM THE GOOD COMEBACKS
THAT THEY CAN USE.
WHILE WE'RE ON THAT THOUGH,
I WOULD ALSO POINT OUT THAT
WE'VE GOT TO TEACH KIDS TO
DISCERN AGAIN WHEN IT'S A
DANGEROUS SITUATION THAT YOU
DON'T EVER TRY TO
CONFRONT -- YOU GET OUT
THEREOF AS FAST AS YOU CAN,
IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE
CHICKEN, BECAUSE IT'S
BECAUSE YOU'RE SMART YOU GO
FIND AN ADULT.
BUT WHEN IT'S THAT KIND OF
BULLYING WITH THE TORMENTING
WORDS AND THE LIKE, I AS AN
ADULT NEED TO KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING WHEREVER
I'M AT.
SO IF IT'S HAPPENING AT
SCHOOL, I THINK IT BEHOOVES
THE PARENT TO LET THE ADULT
KNOW AND SAY “WOULD YOU BE
AWARE....”
AND MANY OF US IN SCHOOLS
ARE GETTING TRAINING NOW TO
BE VERY AWARE AND TO HANDLE
IT WITHOUT THE KID GETTING
TO BE MORE OF A SCAPEGOAT.
AND THAT'S THE CRITICAL
THING THERE.
TO BE REAL TUNED IN.
THERE'S A THIRD PARTY IN ALL
THIS BULLYING, AND THAT'S
THE BYSTANDER.

Maureen says WHO ARE THIS
GIRL'S FRIENDS STANDING
THERE LISTENING TO IT.

Barbara says IS SHE A LONER?
ALL YOU NEED IS ONE FRIEND
TO COMBAT A BULLY.
BULLIES DON'T GO PICK ON
PEOPLE IN TWOS.
THEY JUST DON'T.
AND SO SHE NEEDS A GOOD
FRIEND.
MUTT AND JEFF KINDS OF
THINGS GO AROUND.
IT WOULD BE HELPFUL.

Maureen says AND I OFTEN FIND
IF THESE SITUATIONS THAT THE
PARENTS NEVER FEEL THAT THE
SCHOOL IS DOING ENOUGH TO
STOP THE BULLYING.
WHAT -- YOU WANT SUSAN TO
TELL THE ADULTS AT THE
SCHOOL ABOUT THIS BUT WHAT
SHOULD SHE EXPECT OF THEM?

Barbara says I WANT AS A PARENT TO
KEEP TIMES, DATES, INCIDENTS,
NAMES DOWN, BUT I ALSO WANT
THEM TO LET ME KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE DOING, BUT I WOULD
ALSO SAY WE CAN'T BE TOO
QUICK TO JUDGE THE ADULTS IN
THE SCHOOL.
BULLIES TEND TO DO IT EITHER
UNDER HANDEDLY IN A WAY AN
ADULT CAN'T OBSERVE OR WHERE
AN ADULT CAN'T OBSERVE IT.
THEY DON'T TEND TO DO IT
BLATANTLY IN PUBLIC ALTHOUGH
IN THE INCIDENT IN COLUMBINE
IT WAS DONE BLATANTLY AND
PEOPLE WROTE IT OFF AS
KIDS'LL BE KIDS.
WHEN IT WAS UGLY TORMENTING
HAPPENING.

Maureen says SUSAN, THANKS
FOR THE CALL.
SARA IS NEXT IN WHATFORD.
HI SARA.

Sara says YES, HELLO, HOW ARE YOU?

Maureen says GOOD THANKS.

Barbara says GOOD.

Sara says THAT'S GOOD.
FIRST OF ALL I WANT TO MAKE
A COMMENT.
I REALLY ENJOYED YOUR
COMMENT ABOUT IN, OUT OR
BOTH.
I THINK THAT WILL BE ABLE --
I WILL BE ABLE TO TELL MY
DAUGHTERS THAT AND PASS IT
ALONG.

Barbara says THANK YOU.

Maureen says YEAH, THAT'S A
GOOD ONE.

Sara says NOVEMBER COMMENT
I HAVE IS THAT I HAVE THREE
GIRLS.
MY TWO OLDEST ARE IN SCHOOL
AND MY SECOND DAUGHTER, YOU
ASK HER HOW SCHOOL WENT, SHE
HAS NO PROBLEMS COMING HOME
AND GIVING ME A COMPLETE
RENDITION ON WHAT WENT WENT
ON IN THE DAY, BUT MY OLDEST
IS A LITTLE BIT MORE
RELUCTANT.
I WOULD ASK HER, YOU KNOW,
HOW SCHOOL WAS.
AND OH IT WAS FINE.
YOU KNOW, BUT SHE IS ALSO
THE ONE, SHE WORRIES ABOUT
THINGS AND SHE KEEPS IT
INSIDE OF HERSELF.
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR
ME ON HOW I CAN GET HER TO
OPEN UP ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS
AT SCHOOL?

Barbara says YES, AND THAT IS DON'T
ASK QUESTIONS.
JUST BE ATTUNED.
DRIVE CARPOOL EVERY CHANCE
YOU CAN GET.
WHEN SHE'S WITH OTHER KIDS
HER AGE, AND LISTEN.
AND YOU'LL GET A LOT OF
INFORMATION THAT WAY.
ASK -- IF YOU'RE GOING TO
ASK QUESTIONS, ASK IT OF THE
YOUNGER ONE WHO'S BABBLING
AWAY AND SAY TO THE OLDER
ONE, “DO YOU HAVE ANY INPUT
ON THAT?
WHAT DO YOU OBSERVE?
YOU'RE OLDER THAN SHE IS,
WHAT DO YOU OBSERVE IN
SCHOOL?”
SO DRAWING IN THE YOUNGER
ONE WHO'S BABBLING ANYWAY
AND IT'S NOT WHAT DID DO
YOU?
WHAT DID YOU LEARN?

Maureen says WHAT DID YOU LEARN.

Barbara says HUH?
EYES GLAZE OVER.
TRY TO ENGAGE HER AND TALK
ABOUT YOUR DAY.
YOU KNOW WHO I DID TODAY?
OR THESE ARE THE ISSUES I
HAD TO CONFRONT TODAY.
AND THEN JUST OFF-HANDEDLY
WERE THERE ANY ISSUES -- HOW
WOULD YOU HANDLE THAT?
AND SHE'S SAYING WELL, MY
MOM THINKS I'VE GOT SOME
IDEAS HERE.
AND THEN SHE CAN -- I SAY
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WOULD YOU HANDLE IT THAT WAY
AT SCHOOL?
WHAT I LEARNED -- AND THIS
IS MY FIELD, IT'S MY WORK,
TEACHER, WHAT I LEARNED A
LOT OF DRIVING CARPOOL,
LISTENING TO MY KIDS TALK
ABOUT SITUATIONS FROM A
DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE THAN
ADULTS SEE IT.

Maureen says WOULD YOU AGREE
THOUGH AS KIDS GET OLDER
THEY SHARE LESS WITH YOU?

Barbara says OH, FIRST IT'S THEIR
PERSONALITIES.
OFTEN FIRST-BARNES TEND NOT
TO BE THE CHATTIEST ONES IN
THE BUNCH.
THE SECOND ONE KIND OF HAS
TO DEFEND -- I'M LOOKING AT
MY THREE.
THEY'RE LIKE DAY, NIGHT AND
THE AFTERNOON.
BUT ALSO ONCE THEY REACH THE
10, 11-YEAR-OLDS, IT'S THE
DORMANT STAGE, WHEN THEIR
BODIES ARE JUST KIND OF
GOING DORMANT BEFORE IT
BURSTS WITH ENERGY.
AND THEY TEND TO BE QUIET AT
THAT POINT.
AND SO YOU DON'T ASK A LOT
OF QUESTIONS, YOU LISTEN TO
THEM, TALK WITH THEIR PEERS,
I WOULD TAKE A PEER ON AN
OUTING, ON A SATURDAY AND
WATCH THE EXCHANGE.
AND LISTEN.
BECAUSE THEY TEND TO FORGET
YOU'RE AROUND.
AND THEY'LL CHAT ON.
SLEEPOVERS ARE WONDERFUL
OPPORTUNITIES --

Maureen says JUST GO LISTEN
AT THE DOOR?

Barbara says YEAH, WELL -- NO, BECAUSE --
BIG BROTHER, HERE, BUT TO BE
LISTENING, AT THE BREAKFAST
TABLE OR WHEN YOU'RE RUNNING
THROUGH WITH THE HORS
D'OEUVRES, THE SNACKS, AND
ALSO I LIKE TO ASK
QUESTIONED LIKE “ARE KIDS
PICKED ON AT YOUR SCHOOL?”
WHO WOULD BE THE SCAPEGOAT?
WHO WOULD BE THE BULLY AT
YOUR SCHOOL?
WHAT DO THEY DO?
BECAUSE THEN WE'RE GET
TOGETHER BYSTANDERS AGAIN.
BECAUSE I WANT TO TEACH
THOSE KIDS NOT TO BE
BYSTANDERS BUT TO BE
WITNESSES.

Maureen says TO STEP FORWARD.

Barbara says TO STAND UP AGAINST
INJUSTICE AND WE CAN TEACH
THAT AT A YOUNG AGE.

Maureen says GRACE IS IN
KINGSTON.
HI GRACE?

Grace says YEAH, HI.

Maureen says HIGH.

Grace says I HAVE A
QUESTION.
MY 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER HAS
COME HOME FROM MARCH BREAK,
FROM VISITING HER FATHER AND
HAS INFORMED ME THAT SHE
WANTS TO MOVE IN WITH HIM.
HE LIVES SIX HOURS AWAY AND
I HAVE NO CAR AND NO
FINANCIAL MEANS OF GETTING A
CAR.
I JUST DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
HOW TO -- WHAT TO DO HERE.

Maureen says SO SHE'S WILLING
TO PULL UP ROOTS AND LEAVE
HER SCHOOL AND FRIENDS TO DO
THIS?

Grace says WELL, THAT'S WHAT
SHE SAYS.

Barbara says I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,
YOU'RE NOT IN AN UNCOMMON
SITUATION.
I'M GOING TO CHANGE THE
LANGUAGE THERE A BIT.
WHEN YOU SAID SHE WAS
VISITING HER DAD, SHE WAS
LIVING WITH HER DAD, EVEN IF
IT WAS ONLY FOR A WEEKEND OR
SIX WEEKS.
I WANT THE KIDS TO GET THE
IDEA THAT I LOVE WITH MOM
HERE AND I LIVE WITH DAD
HERE.
EVEN IF THEY'RE SHORTER
PERIODS OF TIME.
IT'S THE LANGUAGE.
AND IT IS NOT UNCOMMON FOR A
KID AT 12, 13, 14 TO WANT TO
LIVE WITH THE “OTHER
PARENT.”
FOR LOTS OF REASONS, AND
WHAT I WOULD SAY TO HER, THE
LINE AGAIN, TALK TO ME ABOUT
IT, INSTEAD OF “NO, YOU
CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM.”
“WE SPENT 10,000 DOLLARS ON A
DIVORCE” AND DON'T ARGUE.
YOU'LL LOSE AN ARGUMENT WITH
ANYONE OVER TWO AND A HALF,
THEIR LANGUAGE SKILLS ARE
TOO DEVELOPED, YOU'LL LOSE!
SAY TALK TO ME ABOUT IT AND
NON-JUDGMENTALLY BRING UP
THE ISSUES OF YOUR NEW
SCHOOL, MAKING NEW FRIENDS,
IS IT SOMETHING THAT'S
HAPPENING AT SCHOOL THAT
MIGHT BE BRINGING THIS ON
AND THE LIKE?
AND SAY LET'S THINK THIS
THROUGH.
I'M NOT GOING TO SAY
ABSOLUTELY NO AND I'M NOT
GOING TO SAY ABSOLUTELY YES.
IT'S SOMETHING WE NEED TO
EXPLORE AND I WANT YOU TO
KNOW, YOUR DAD AND I -- EVEN
IF YOU HAVE TO CHOKE-OUT
THOSE WORDS, “YOUR DAD AND I
ARE THE ONES WHO'LL HAVE TO
MAKE THE FINAL DECISION.
WE'LL ALWAYS ASK FOR YOUR
INPUT.
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER AND AS
YOU GET OLDER YOUR INPUT
WILL HAVE MORE IMPACT BUT
YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW IT'S
GOING TO BE DAD'S AND MY
DECISION.”
WHAT THAT DOES IS ALLEVIATES
ANY GUILT THAT THAT KID MAY
HAVE FOR MAKING A CHOICE.
BUT I'D SAY TALK TO ME
ABOUT IT LET'S LOOK AND SEE
AND THEN I WOULD BE OPEN TO
SOME OPTIONS LIKE “WOULD YOU
LIKE TO GIVE IT A TRY DURING
WEEK?
“HOW ABOUT A LONGER SUMMER
STAY TO GIVE IT A TRY WITH
THE NEIGHBOURS?”
AND THE LIKE.
UNLESS, AND THERE'S ALWAYS A
CAVEAT, UNLESS IT'S A
NON-HEALTHY SITUATION.

Maureen says AND THEN DON'T
GO FOR IT.
WELL THE FINANCIAL THING,
I'M JUST WONDERING OBVIOUSLY
RIGHT NOW THEY WORK OUT A
SITUATION WHERE SOMEONE A
PAYS FOR THE DAUGHTER'S
TRAVEL EXPENSES TO GO, STAY,
AND LIVE WITH HER FATHER.
MAYBE THEY COULD WORK ON
THAT ARRANGEMENT.
MAYBE DAD COULD KEEP PAYING
FOR THAT TRAVEL THAT WAY,.

Barbara says BACK HOME TO MOM.

Maureen says
YEAH, AND THAT
SOUNDS REASONABLE BUT IT
WILL BE HARD FOR HER TO NOT
FEEL REJECTED.

Barbara says WELL, DADS MAY ALSO FEEL
THE SAME AND WHAT I WANT TO
IS WHAT I CALL PERSPECTIVE
TAKING.
I LOOK AT IT, I'M THE MOM.
I WANT TO RAISE MY DAUGHTER.
I WANT TO HAVE THE MOST
POWERFUL INFLUENCE.
I DIVORCED THIS MAN PAUSE OF
LOTS OF REASONS, AND
SOMETIMES IT'S THE
INFLUENCE.
HOWEVER, IN A DIVORCE TWO
THINGS HAVE TO HAT.
YOU BOTH HAVE TO ACT LIKE
ADULTS AND YOU BOTH HAVE TO
PARENT YOUR CHILE.
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO
DO IT EQUAL TIME BUT I HAVE
TO LOOK AT IT FROM THE
PERSPECTIVE OF MY DAUGHTER
WANTING TO BE WITH HER DAD
AS WELL AS ME AND YET
HONESTLY NOT WANTING TO BE
THE ONE TO MAKE THAT CHOICE,
BECAUSE IT'S A GUILT THING,
AND TWO, WHAT IS HER DAD'S
PERSPECTIVE ON THIS?
AND SAY IF YOU CAN TALK WITH
HIM, AND YOU'RE BOTH STILL
CIVIL WITH ONE ANOTHER, AND
I HAVE TO PUT THAT AS A
CAVEAT TO SIT DOWN WITH THE
THREE OF YOU AND SAY TO THE
DAUGHTER “LET'S LOOK AT
THIS.”
AT LEAST SHE KNOWS YOU'RE
WILLING TO EXPLORE OPTIONS,
NOT ABSOLUTELY NOT YOU
WON'T!
OR “GO AHEAD, GO AHEAD AND
LIVE WITH HIM, SEE IF I
CARE.”
YOU'LL BE BACK.
IT'S LISTENING TO HER.
SHE'S 13, LISTENING TO HER
NEEDS AND HER WANTS AND THEN
IN THE END THE TWO ADULTS
SAY “I THINK WE CAN WORK
SOMETHING OUT HERE.”
AND IT MAY BE THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO BE WITH YOUR MOM
DURING THE SCHOOL YEAR AND
WITH DAD DURING ALL OF THE
HOLIDAYS FOR A WHILE.
OR WE CAN GIVE IT A TRIAL
RUN.

Maureen says AND SEE HOW IT
GOES.

Barbara says AND THAT'S BEING OPEN TO
HER NEEDS, TOO.

Maureen says OKAY, GOOD.
THANKS FOR THE CALL.
MARTHA IS IN TORONTO, I
THINK.
HI MARTHA.

Martha says HI.

Maureen says GO AHEAD.

Martha says HI BARBRA.
I'M CALLING TODAY, I DO HAVE
YOUR BOOK “KIDS ARE WORTH
IT” AND I TREAD FOR A FEW
YEARS AGO HOPING FOR INSTANT
SUCCESS.

Barbara says DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.

Martha says I'VE DONE QUITE
WELL.
MY SON IS A 10-YEAR-OLD AND
HE'S HAPPY, POPULAR, GOOD AT
SCHOOL, WHAT ELSE?
I'VE ENCOURAGED OPEN
COMMUNICATION AND I'VE ALSO
ENCOURAGED HIM TO STAND UP
FOR HIMSELF, WHICH I THINK
COULD BE MY PROBLEM.
WE OUT IN HAVE A VERY MOUTHY,
SMART ALEC CHILD AND BOTH MY
HUSBAND AND I FIND IT VERY
DISTURBING AND AT TIMES
EMBARRASSING.

Barbara says IS HE MOUTHY TO YOU OR TO
A LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE?

Martha says TO US MOSTLY.

Barbara says OKAY, I CAN TAKE THAT ONE
ON.

Martha says THERE'S ALSO
BANTER BETWEEN KIDS BUT IT'S
NOT JUST HIM THERE I FIND.
HE'S PRETTY GOOD WITH OTHER
ADULTS.

Barbara says DUH, WHATEVER, GET A LIFE,
TALK TO THE HAND, THE FACE
IS NOT LISTENING, WHATEVER,
IS REALLY COMMON ATTITUDE,
AT ABOUT 10 TO 14.
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE THAT.
THE EYES ROLL AND YOU MAKE A
COMMENT THAT'S JUST A VERY
NON-CHALANT, NON-EMOTIONALLY
LADEN COMMENT AND THEY GO
DUH?!
OR “DO YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT,
MOM?”
THAT KIND OF THING.
OR THE LIPPY COME BACK.
BRICK WALL WILL SAY “DON'T
YOU EVER TOQUE ME LIKE THAT!
WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR
FACE, I'M GOING TO WIPE IT
OFF FOR YOU OR THE JELLYFISH
SAYS ONE OF TWO THINGS.
IT'S PART OF GROWING UP,
IT'LL PASS OR DON'T TALK TO
ME LIKE THIS, I CAN'T TAKE
THIS ANYMORE.
GUILT GUILT GUILT, BUT A
BACKBONE PARENT TAKES A DEEP
BREATH AND THE BEST WORD I
CAN THINK ABOUT IS WHOA.
WHEN YOU SAY WHOA, IT DOES
TWO THINGS.
ONE IT CAUSES YOU TO PAUSE
AND TWO YOU HAVE TO BREATHE
OUT WHEN YOU DO IT WHEN YOU
BREATHE OUT YOUR HEART RATE
DROPS, WHEN YOU BREATHE IN,
IT GOES UP.
SO BREATHE OUT AND GO
“WHOA.”
AND YOU SAY TO YOUR SON,
“IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU TO
BE FRUSTRATED OR ANGRY OR
HURT OR DISAPPOINTED,
WHATEVER THE FEELING, IS
IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU TO BE
FRUSTRATED WITH ME.
IT DOES NOT SERVE YOU WELL
FOUR LETTER WORDS. AND USE
IT DOES NOT SERVE YOU WELL.”
NOTICED IT DOES NOT SERVE
YOU WELL, NOT “I'M NOT GOING
TO TAKE THAT FROM YOU.”
I WANT A KID TO BE ABLE TO
BE FRUSTRATED, UPSET,
DISAPPOINTED, ANGRY, BUT I
WANT TO TEACH HIM TO DO IT
IN A WAY THAT IS HEALTH: FOR
HIM AND DOESN'T ATTACK
ANYONE ELSE.
AND SO I SAY I, AS A WISE
AND CARING PARENT NEED TO
TEACH YOU A WAY TO DO THAT.

Maureen says IS IT TOO LATE
AT 14?

Barbara says OH, ABSOLUTELY NOT!
NEVER TOO LATE, AS LONG AS
WE'RE BOTH KICKING AND
BREATHING.
BUT THEN DON'T BE SURPRISED
IF YOUR LIPPY, WEEPY
ADOLESCENT DOESN'T GO “I
KNOW, AS A WISE AND CARING
PARENT YOU NEED TO TEACH ME
IN A WAY TO DO IT THAT'LL
SERVE ME WELL!”
JUST BITE TONGUE.
I ALSO COME BACK WITH HUMOUR,
AND I GO PAIRING IT WITH
WITT AND WISDOM.
WISDOM WENT OUT THE WINDOW,
YOU'VE GOT HUMAN ROAR HUMOUR,
USE IT.
LOOK AT THEM AND SAY “I KNEW
YOU GOT THAT.”
THEY JUST REPEATED WHAT YOU
SAID AND IT'S JUST THEY
DIDN'T LIKE THE ATTITUDE.
LATER I WOULD SAY TALK TO ME
ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE UPSET
ABOUT AND HE MIGHT SAY “DO
YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT OUTFIT
WHEN YOU PICK ME UP AT
SCHOOL?”
AND YOU'RE THINKING OKAY.
OR DAD, DO YOU HAVE TO HAVE
THAT HAIRDO?
IT'S SO '60s.
OR YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE ALWAYS RESCUING MY
BROTHER.
EVERY TIME WE GET IN A FIGHT
IT'S MY FAULT.
AND SO I'M LISTENING.
SO I SAY BUT LET ME TELL YOU
A WAY YOU CAN SAY THAT
WITHOUT THE... U-HU, MM-HMM.
AND SO YOU'RE TEACHING HIM
THE WAYS TO DO IT.
BECAUSE DON'T YOU WANT HIM
TO SPEAK HIS OWN MIND?
YOU'VE RAISED HIM THAT WAY.
TO SPEAK HIS OWN MIND AND TO
SAY WHAT HE'S FEELING AND TO
BE OPEN AND HONEST WITH
PEOPLE.
SO YOU DON'T WANT TO SHUT
THAT DOWN.
BUT YOU WANT TO DO IT NOW AT
AN AGE HE'S ABLE TO
UNDERSTAND IN A WAY THAT
WILL SERVE HIM WELL.

Maureen says SO IS THIS
BEHAVIOUR THAT SHOULD HAVE
CONSEQUENCES -- HOW LONG DO
YOU GIVE THEM TO TURN THIS
BEHAVIOUR AROUND BEFORE YOU
START SAYING I'VE EXPLAINED
THIS TO YOU, YOU KNOW THAT
THAT DONE SERVE YOU WELL,
YOU SEEM TO NOT LISTEN --

Barbara says YOU KNOW WHAT?
EVEN WITH SOME OF THE
HARDEST CORE KIDS THAT I'VE
WORKED WITH, WHEN YOU DEAL
WITH IT IN A REASONABLE WAY
AND DON'T PUNISH, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T PUNISH THEM BUT
TRULY DISCIPLINE, WHICH
MEANS TO GIVE LIGHT TO
LEARNING, WHEN HE'S BEING
LIPPY WITH ME, AFTER YOU'VE
DONE THAT LITTLE ROUTINE A
COUPLE OF TIMES YOU CAN DO A
SHORTCUT AND SAY “DO WHAT
SERVES YOU WELL.
JUST DO WHAT SERVES YOU
WELL.”
AND HE'S GOING...
AND THEN WHOA, HE TAKES A
DEEP BREATH AND THEN COMES
BACK WITH HOW CAN HE EXPRESS
FRUSTRATION OR SADNESS OR
DISAPPOINTMENT OR ANGER,
EVEN?
DON'T YOU WANT HIM TO BE
ANGRY AT A BOYFRIEND OR
GIRLFRIEND, BE ABLE TO
EXPRESS IT OR BE ABLE TO SAY
HE'S FRUSTRATED?
THE KEY HERE AT THIS AGE,
WHEN THE HORMONES ARE
BEGINNING TO RAGE IS TO
TEACH HIM TO DO IT IN A WAY
THAT DOESN'T HURT ANYONE
ELSE AND ALSO GETS HIS NEEDS
MET.

Maureen says OKAY.
BEST OF LUCK.
THANKS, MARTHA. WE'RE
TALKING WITH BARBARA
COLOROSO THIS AFTERNOON,
AUTHOR OF “KIDS ARE WORTH
IT” AND “PARENTING IN A
CRISIS” IS THE PAPER BACK
VERSION OF WITT AND WISDOM,
RIGHT?

Barbara says IT IS, THEY CHANGED THE
TITLE TO MATCH THE U.S.
TITLE.

Maureen says BARBARA'S WITH
US THIS AFTERNOON.
CALL US IN TORONTO AT 416-484-2727, LONG DISTANCE IS
1-888-411-1234. OUR E-MAIL ADDRESS IS
MORETOLIFE@TVO.ORG
I'VE GOT A BEDWETTING
QUESTION BUT --

Barbara says SOME OF IT I CAN ANSWER.
I'M VERY COMFORTABLE SAYING
IT'S NOT MY FIELD SO WE
CAN –

Maureen reads a question via e-mail.

She says SIX-YEAR-OLD HAS BEGUN TO
WET HER PANTS.
THEY HAVE A TWO-YEAR-OLD
WITH SPINA BIFIDA DA.
IT'S GETTING WORSE, WE'VE
TRIED ALL THE GOLD STARS AND
INCENTIVES, INCLUDING
PAEDIATRICIANS STILL NO
RESULTS.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?
SHE STARTED WELTING JUST AT
NIGHT, NOW IT'S EVERYDAY.
NOW SHE STARTED HIDING THE
PULL TURNS UNDER THE BED, ET
CETERA, WHEN THEY'RE WET.
SO THEY PUT HER BACK IN
PULL-UPS IT SOUNDS LIKE.
THERE'S A NINE-YEAR-OLD, A
SIX-YEAR-OLD, A TWO-YEAR-OLD
AND A NEW BORN BABY.
IT'S A FULL HOUSE.

Barbara says YES, IT IS.
AND NOT TO MAKE LIGHT OF IT,
WHEN A KID STARTS URINATING
AGAIN AFTER BEING TRAINED,
WE LOOK AT IF THERE'S SOME
SITUATIONS IN THEIR LIFE BUT
WE ALSO MAKE SURE WE'VE
CHECKED OUT ANY MEDICAL FOR
A URINARY TRACT INFECTION
AND THE LIKE OR A BLOW TO
THE LOWER SPINE ON THE
PLAYGROUND THAT COULD CAUSE
TEMPORARY INCONTINENCE.
BUT ONCE THAT'S ALL CHECKED
OUT, I'M SO GLAD SHE
MENTIONED BRIBES AND THREATS
AND REWARDS AND PUNISHMENTS.
BRIBES BY THE WAY ARE VERY
PLEASANT THREATS.
THREATS ARE UGLY BRIBES.
THEY'RE THE FLIP SIDE OF THE
SAME COIN.
SO WHY WOULD SHE START
HIDING HER PANTIES WHEN YOU
REWARD HER FOR BEING DRY,
THE FLIP OF THAT IS I'VE
DONE SOMETHING WRONG WHEN
I'M NOT DRY.
SO I BACK OFF OF BRIBES AND
THREATS.
IN FACT I'M REVISING KIDS
ARE WORTH IT.
I JUST SENT REVISION IN,
IT'LL BE COMING OUT THIS
YEAR AND I ADDED A WHOLE
CHAPTER ON BRIBES AND
THREATS AND WHAT TO DO
INSTEAD AS A SEPARATE
CHAPTER.
WE THINK “OKAY, SHE'S GOT A
PROBLEM, LET'S REWARD HER
FOR BEING DRY.”
WHEN INDEED WE'RE NOT
GETTING AT THE UNDERLYING
CAUSE.
IT COULD BE A MEDICAL.
ALWAYS HAVE TO GET THAT ONE
CHECKED OUT FIRST.
IF IT IS NOT MEDICAL, I LOOK
AT THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON
IN HER LIFE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN'T IMAGINE A LITTLE
SIX-YEAR-OLD DOING IT -- A
THREE-YEAR-OLD, YES, GOING
BACK, BUT TO GET ATTENTION.
I DON'T THINK SO ESPECIALLY
NOW THAT SHE'S HIDING IT.
SHE'S NOT FEELING GOOD ABOUT
IT.
I WOULD SUSPECT SHE'S
WETTING HER PANTIES AT
SCHOOL, TOO, AND THAT'S NOT
A FUN THING AT ALL.
SO I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO
LOOK AT OH, THERE'S A NEW
BABY, THAT'S WHAT -- THERE
IS A FULL HOUSE THERE.
BUT I DON'T SUSPECT SHE'S
DOING THAT THERE ARE OTHER
THINGS SHE COULD DO TO GET
ATTENTION SO I REALLY WANT
TO LOOK AT FIRST OF ALL THE
MEDICAL, AND THEN SAY TO HER
“YOU KNOW WHAT?
SOMETIMES WE SLIP BACK.
AND IT'S OKAY.
AND WHAT CAN WE DO?”
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
IF YOU GET YOUR PULL UPS WET,
YOU GOT YOUR PULL UPS WET,
AND HERE'S WHAT YOU CAN DO
WITH IT.

Maureen says DON'T HIDE IT,
WE'LL JEST GET A NEW ONE.

Barbara says AND SAY YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK
AND SAY OH, KID, WE'VE BEEN
DOING IT WRONG ALL THESE
YEARS.
JUST SAY YOU'RE OLDER WHEN I
SAW YOU LAST, AT LEAST DAY,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SWEET
HEART AND I THINK WE NEED TO
TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH
BECAUSE THIS IS NOT GOOD.
IT'S OKAY TO ADMIT WE MADE A
MISTAKE AND SAY YOU KNOW
WHAT?
LET'S LOOK AT ANOTHER WAY WE
CAN HANDLE THIS BECAUSE I
KNOW YOU'RE NOT DOING THIS
TO GET AT US TO GET AT YOUR
BABY BROTHER.
IT'S THAT SOMETHING'S WRONG
HERE AND WE'RE GOING TO --
I'M GOING TO HELP YOU AND
WE'RE GOING TO FIND IT.

Maureen says COULD THIS -- I
MEAN, I HOPE NOT.
COULD TO BE A SIGN THAT
SOMETHING TRAUMATIC HAS
HAPPENED TO THIS CHILD OR
SHE'S HIDING SOME
INFORMATION?

Barbara says YEAH, EXCEPT YOU KNOW
USUALLY THEY WOULD DO IT
THEN JUST AT HOME.
IF THERE'S A FEARFUL THING
IN THE LIKE, YOU WOULDN'T BE
JUST WETTING DURING THE DAY,
ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE'S SO
MUCH SHAME INVOLVED AT COOL
AND STUFF.

Maureen says RIGHT.

Barbara says YEAH.
IF THERE'S BEEN ABUSE AND
THE LIKE, THAT WOULD HAVE TO
BE FOUND OUT TOO,, AND
THAT'S A MUCH BIGGER ISSUE.
BUT I WOULD SUSPECT -- OFTEN
TIMES IT'S A VERY LOW GRADE
INFECTION AND URINARY
INCONTINENCE FOR A PERIOD OF
TIME, WHICH BRIBES AND
THREAT ALSO NEVER HELP.
AND BY THE WAY, THEY'LL
NEVER HELP ANYWAY.

Maureen says SO ONE MORE TRIP
BACK TO THE PAEDIATRICIAN,
GET THAT CHECKED OUT AND
TELL YOUR CHILD WE DON'T
HAVE TO HIDE THIS ANYMORE.

Barbara says WE'RE GOING TO FIGURE
THIS ONE OUT TOGETHER.

Maureen says AND IT MIGHT
TAKE TIME.

Barbara says IT WILL!

Maureen says BASH IS IN
MISSISSAUGA.
HI BARB.

Barb says HELLO, MAUREEN.

Maureen says HI.

Barb says THE REASON I'M
CALLING IS ABOUT MY
SEVEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER MADE
A LIST OF 14 KIDS THAT SHE
DIDN'T LIKE FROM HER CLASS.
TO ME THAT WAS A RED FLAG,
AND I WAS SURPRISED I DIDN'T
EVEN HEAR IT FROM THE
TEACHER.
MY HUSBAND WENT TO PICK HER
UP FROM SCHOOL -- AND I'M
NOT EVEN EXACTLY SURE HOW HE
HEARD IT I'VE FORGET TEN NOW,
BUT IT WASN'T FROM THE
TEACHER, AS FAR AS I KNOW.
IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN MY MY
DAUGHTER HERSELF OR MAYBE
ANOTHER CHILD OR SOMETHING.
AND THEN WHEN I GOT THE
REPORT CARD, THE NOTE WAS WE
DON'T NEED A MEETING,
EVERYTHING'S OKAY, BUT WHEN
YOU BROUGHT THIS SUBJECT UP
TODAY, AND AGAIN, YOU KNOW,
THE GUT FEELING SAID THIS IS
NOT RIGHT.
I DID TALK TO MY DAUGHTER
ABOUT IT AT THE TIME, AND
AFTER A WHILE SHE WAS SAYING
“MOMMY, I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.”
AND I HAVE, YOU KNOW,
WATCHED SINCE THEN, AND AS A
MATTER OF FACT YOUR
PROGRAMME PROMPTED ME TO
CALL THE TEACHER, WHICH
WHILE I WAS WAITING TO GET
ON THE TEACHER DID CALL AND
I QUICKLY TOOK THE CALL AND
THE TEACHER SAID SHE DID
TALK TO HER ABOUT IT AND
THAT WAS THE GIST OF OUR
CONVERSATION BECAUSE I
DIDN'T WANT TO MISS SPEAKING
WITH YOU, BARBARA.
SO ANYWAY, MY QUESTION IS
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
SHOULD I HAVE DONE?
YOU KNOW, THAT CONCERNS ME.

Barbara says IT SHOULD.
IT SHOULD CONCERN YOU.

Barb says YEAH.

Barbara says AND ONE OF THE THINGS
YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW -- FIRST
OF ALL START WITH WHAT YOU
CAN'T DO.
YOU CAN'T GET YOUR KID TO
LIKE A LOT OF KIDS IN THE
CLASSROOM.
YOU CAN'T GET HER TO HAVE A
GREAT PERSONALITY.
YOU CAN'T GET HER NOT TO BE
THE PERSON SHE IS.
SO YOU KNOW THAT.
BUT ONCE WE CAN FIGURE THAT
OUT, WHAT CAN YOU DO?
BE VERY AWARE OF WHAT'S
GOING ON.
THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD PICK
UP ON THIS AT A YOUNG AGE IS
GOOD.
BUT ALSO WHEN YOU START
TALKING TO HER, AND THE
SCHOOL HAS TALKED TO HER,
SHE'S FINALLY SAYING “I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
THIS MYSELF, I DON'T WANT TO
DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE.”
SHE WROTE IT, AND IT'S
THERE.
BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DEALT
WITH.
AND SO A CARING ADULT, AND
IT CAN BE YOU, IF YOU HAVE A
GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HER,
CAN SAY “LET ME TELL YOU
WHERE I'M COMING FROM.”
NOT ASKING QUESTIONS OF HER,
BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I AM
CONCERNED THAT THERE ARE
THAT MANY KIDS IN CLASS THAT
SOMEHOW HAVE BOTHERED YOU.
DO YOU NOTICED I DIDN'T SAY
“YOU DON'T LIKE?”
THAT SOMEHOW BOTHER YOU SO
MUCH AND I'M VERY CONCERNED
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT, HON?
SOMETIMES THERE ARE A GROUP
OF KIDS THAT WILL DO THAT.
AND ARE THERE -- NOW I'M
GOING GET TO THE QUESTION.
SEE, I'VE MADE IT SAFE FOR
HER.
AND NOW I'M GOING SAY TO
HERE “ARE THERE THINGS THAT
THEY DO TO YOU AND OTHER
KIDS?”
MAKE IT SAFE AGAIN.
“OTHER KIDS” THAT YOU DON'T
LIKE?
BECAUSE SHE MAY HAVE LISTED
THOSE KIDS NOT BECAUSE
THEY'RE PICKING ON HER OR
THEY'RE PICKING ON SOMEBODY
SHE CARES ABOUT OR SHE'S A
VERY EMPATHETIC KID AND
THAT'S WHY A TEACHER WOULD
SAY SHE'S DOING FINE BUT
THERE'S A FRIEND OR TWO
THAT'S BEING PICKED ON, OR
SHE'S WATCHING SOME KIDS
GANG UP, AND KIDS CAN GANG
UP IN SECOND GRADE, ON
ANOTHER KID.
AND SHE WOULD FEEL THAT PAIN
AS A EMPATHETIC,
COMPASSIONATE KID SO IT CAN
BE BOTH AND I WANT TO OPEN
THE DOOR FOR THAT.
AND THEN AGAIN, ASK THE
TEACHER TO BE VERY AWARE AND
ALERT, WHEN SHE'S OUT ON THE
PLAYGROUND IN PLACES THAT WE
HAVEN'T AREN'T.
IN THE LUNCHROOM, THE
PLAYGROUND, THE HALLWAYS, IN
SMALL GROUPS IN THE
CLASSROOM, AND SEE IF SHE
CAN PICK UP ON SOMETHING.
IF IT'S ONE PERSON BULLYING,
AND ONE VICTIM, THEY TEND TO
GET THEMSELVES IN A
RELATIONSHIP THAT FEEDS ON
ONE ANOTHER, AND THAT HAS TO
BE BROKEN.
AND IT CAN BE BROKEN WITH
THE VICTIM BECOMING STRONGER.
MORE SO THAN INTERFERING WITH
THE BULLY.
BECAUSE WE'VE STILL LEFT THE
VICTIM OPEN FOR THE NEXT
BULLY TO COME ALONG.

Maureen says HAVE YOU HEARD
ANYTHING THAT BARB HAS
MENTIONED THAT MAKES YOU
THINK HER DAUGHTER IS
BULLYING KIDS AT SCHOOL IN.

Barbara says I DON'T THINK SHE'S BULL
LEAGUE.

Maureen says BUT YOU THINK
SHE MIGHT BE BULL LEAD AND
THAT'S WHY SHE MADE THE
NOTE.

OR WATCHING OTHERS BEING
BULLIED.
SEE WE FORGET ABOUT THAT
THIRD GROUP, AND SOME OF OUR
REALLY CARING VERBAL KIDS
WILL BE HURT BY THE ABUSE OF
OTHERS BUT NOT HAVE THE
COOLS TO KNOW THOUSAND
INTERVENE OR TO BREAK THAT
UP.
SO I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT
OPEN TO BOTH, WHICH MEANS
THAT THE KID WILL FEEL SAFE
ENOUGH TO START TALKING
ABOUT THE OTHER KIDS, AND
THEN COME AROUND TO HERSELF.
I WOULDN'T LET IT GO.
EVEN IF THE KID IS --

Maureen says EVEN IF THE KID
IS SAYING I DON'T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE?

Barbara says YEAH, YOU'D SAY YOU KNOW
WHAT?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO, AND MOMMY
IS CONCERNED ABOUT THINGS
THAT ARE HAPPENING AT SCHOOL,
AND THEN I'D COME IN THE
BACK DOOR AGAIN, WITH KIDS
SAYING ARE THERE KIDS
PICKING ON KIDS IN THE
CLASSROOM, DOING HURTFUL
THINGS.

Maureen says GOOD LUCK.

Barbara says THESE ARE ISSUES THAT
HAVE BEEN UNDER THE SURFACE
FOR SO LONG.

Maureen says AT LEAST WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT THEM NOW.

Barbara says YEAH, AND WE HAVE TO BE
VERY AWARE.

Maureen says MARY IN TORONTO
IS NEXT.
HI MARY.

Mary says HELLO.
HI.
I JUST WANT TO SAY TO
BARBARA HOW MUCH I ENJOYED
“KIDS ARE WORTH IT.”
I JUST LOVED THAT BOOK.

Barbara says THANK YOU.

Mary says IT'S HELPED ME
IMMENSELY.
MY QUESTION TODAY IS I HAVE
A 12-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER. SHE'S
A WONDERFUL DAUGHTER.
IT'S JUST THAT SHE'S BEEN
SPENDING A LOT OF TIME BY
HERSELF IN HER ROOM, LISTENING TO MUSIC,
READING BOOKS,
ALL SHE EVER WANTS TO DO IS
GO TO THE BOOK STORE AND BUY
BOOKS, COME HOME GO, TO HER
ROOM AND PUT ON HER HEAD
PHONES AND READ HER BOOKS.
AND SHE'S NOT INTERESTED IN
GOING OUT WITH US AS A
FAMILY BECAUSE IT'S BORING TO
HER.
AND I'M JUST WONDERING IF
THIS IS A PHASE?
HER AGE?
OR IF THERE'S -- YOU KNOW,
SOME KIND OF DEPRESSION
SHE'S GOING THROUGH?
YOU KNOW, HER FRIENDS WILL
CALL HER AND INVITE HER TO
GO SWIMMING OR WHATEVER AND
SHE JUST SAYS TO ME MOMMY, I
DON'T REALLY TO WANT GO.
OR FRIENDS WILL INVITE HER
TO GO TO SLEEPOVERS AND SHE
SAYS “MOMMY, I DON'T REALLY
TO WANT GO.”
SO I SAY OKAY, FINE.

Barbara says I WOULDN'T SAY OKAY,
FINE.
I'D SAY TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
ARE THESE A GROUP OF KIDS
YOU DON'T LIKE TO HANG WITH?

Mary says OH, NO THEY'RE WONDERFUL.

Barbara says NO, BUT DOESN'T MATTER IF
THEY'RE WONDERFUL.
DOES SHE WANT TO HANG WITH
THEM.
YOU AND I, MAYBE OUR JAWS
WOULD DROP WHEN A KID
CHOOSES NOT TO BE WITH
FRIENDS SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
WITH BECAUSE THEY HAVE MOVED
IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION OR
HAVE DIFFERENT GOALS OR
AGAIN, SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO
FIT IN RIGHT NOW.
EITHER SHE'S DEVELOPING
SLOWER OR FASTER OR SHE'S
TAKEN OTHER INTERESTS OR
SHE'S BEING CALLED A NERD,
WHICH IS NOT UNCOMMON AT
THIS AGE. SO I JUST
WANT TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT,
AND I WOULD SAY IT'S OKAY --
DID SHE HAVE AT LEAST ONE
GOOD FRIEND?

Mary says WELL, SHE HAS -- WELL
FROM WHAT I CAN OBSERVE, A
FEW GOOD FRIENDS.

Barbara says WOW, SHE'S -- YEAH.
YOU SEE THE KEY IS TO HAVE
AT LEAST ONE.
IF YOU'VE GOOD FEW GOOD
FRIENDS THAT YOU'RE WILLING
TO GO OUT WITH ONE ON ONE AND THE
LIKE.
I WOULD ALSO SAY YOU KNOW
WHAT?
WE GOT AN EXTRA PLACE AT THE
DINNER TABLE.
WHICH OF YOUR FRIENDS WOULD
YOU LIKE TO INVITE OVER?
WELL, I DON'T WANT --
I'D LIKE IT JUST HAVE ONE
OF YOUR FRIENDS OVER.
OH, MOM, OH, MOM.
YOU KNOW, I'D REALLY LIKE
TO HAVE ONE OVER.
IF YOU DON'T INVITE ONE, GEE,
WE'LL HAVE TO PULL SOMEBODY
OFF THE STREET.
AGAIN WE'RE USING HUMOUR
WITH HER INSTEAD OF YOU'RE
GOING BRING A FRIEND OVER.
AND JUST LIGHT HEARTED BANTER
AND SAY YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'RE GOING ON A FAMILY
ADVENTURE, AND I KNOW AT 12
YEARS OLD THE WORST THING IS
TO BE WITH YOUR PARENTS SO
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU CAN BRING FRIEND WITH
YOU.
OR TWO, IF YOU'D LIKE.
AND YOU SAY “BUT I DON'T
NEED ANYMORE KIDS ON THIS
JOURNEY!”
I TOOK SIX KIDS ON A
HOLIDAY.
ALL THREE OF MY KIDS WERE
TEENAGERS AND I SAID YOU CAN
BRING ANOTHER TEENAGER WITH
YOU FOR SIX DAYS.
WE'D SHOW UP AT THE HOTEL
AND PEOPLE WOULD LOOK LIKE
“SIX TEENAGERS!”
ALL OF THE AND I SAID MYSELF
WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT WAS
ONE OF THE BEST HOLIDAYS WE
EVER HAD BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T
FIGHT WITH ONE ANOTHER AND I
LEARNED A LOT ABOUT THEM AND
THE WAY THEY RELATE TO ONE
ANOTHER AND THEIR FRIENDS SO
I WOULD INVITE HER TO HAVE
FRIENDS.
AND YOU KNOW, THE FACT SHE
GOES TO HER ROOM AND READS,
NO TV IN THE ROOM, NO
COMPUTER IN THE ROOM, THE
HEADPHONES, SHE CAN GET LOST
IN AS LONG AS YOU KIND OF
HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT SHE'S
LISTENING TO IF YOU HAVE ANY
CONCERN, YOU MENTIONED THE
WORD DEPRESSED.
IF YOU HAVE ANY CONCERN THAT
THERE IS DEPRESSION, DEAL
WITH IT.
LOOK AND SEE, IS SHE PUTTING
HERSELF DOWN?
IS SHE JUST MOPEY?
ARE THE SHADES BLACK SO THE
ROOM'S DARKENED, KIND OF
THING?
THEN I DO GET CONCERNED.
BUT IF SHE'S GOT AT LEAST
ONE GOOD FRIEND AND WE'LL
SPEND TIME, I'M NOT AS
CONCERNED.
YEAH, THEY DO NOT WANT US
AROUND --

Maureen says I WAS A BIT OF A
BOOKWORM AT THAT AGES, AT
12, AND THEN PRETTY SOON
SHE'S GOING TO WANT TO JUST
BE WITH THOSE FRIENDS ALL
THE TIME.
WE HAD A BIT OF A SNAFU IN
OUR FAMILY THIS WEEKEND.
WE WENT AWAY FOR THE WEAKEN,
NOT REMEMBERING THAT MY SON
HAD A SWIM TOURNAMENT, WHICH
WE KNEW ABOUT MONTHS AGO BUT
DIDN'T --
FORGOT.
HE'S BEEN GOING
TO PRACTICES ALL ALONG.
I'M ASSUMING THAT AT THE
LAST PRACTICE LAST WEEK THE
COACH TALKED ABOUT HOW THE
MEET WAS THIS WEEKEND.
HE NEVER MENTIONED ANYTHING
TO US, SO WHEN WE GOT BACK
AND FOUND OUT HE'D LET HIS
TEAMMATES ON THE SWIM TEAM
DOWN, SOMEBODY HAD TO FILL
IN FOR HIM ON THE RELAY
TEAMS, WE'RE HIGHLY
EMBARRASSED --

Barbara says THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.

Maureen says YEAH, BUT HE'S ALSO GOING
TO SCHOOL TODAY AND MAYBE
SEEING THOSE TEAMMATES AND
MAYBE GOING TO ASK HIM WHERE
HE WAS.
HE DIDN'T KNOW THOUSAND
HANDLE THAT.
WE WERE ANGRY FOR HIM -- WE
THINK HE WAS KIND OF IN A
FOG, BUT HOW MUCH DOES THIS
AND WHAT IS THE CONSEQUENCE?
SHOULD HE CALL AND APOLOGIZE
TO THE COACH OR SHOULD I.

Barbara says NOT YOU, IT'S NOT YOUR
ISSUE.

Maureen says GOOD.

Barbara says IT'S NOT, BUT I ALSO
WON'T EVER DEMAND AN APOLOGY
FROM A KID.
YOU DEMAND AN APOLOGY, YOU
GET ONE OF TWO KINDS, “I’M SORRY.”

She uses an upset tone.

Barbara says OR I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M
SORRY.

She claps as she says “I’m sorry.”

Barbara says IT'S LIKE SOME PEOPLE USE
CONFESSION.
SOME OF YOU HAVE NOI IDEA
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BUT
THEY JUST DO IT OVER AGAIN.
YOU SAY TO YOUR SON, YOU
KNOW WHAT?
THERE'S A PROBLEM HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
BUT THERE'S A PROBLEM HERE,
AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH
YOUR TEAMMATES, AND YOU HAVE
TO DEAL WITH YOUR COACH YOU
DON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH US.
WE'RE OVER IT.
I HOPE.

Maureen says YEAH, WELL,
WE'RE OVER IT.

Barbara says WE DON'T NEED TO GET
EMBARRASSED BY WHAT OUR KIDS
DO.
IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, AND WE
SAY YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M HERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU
MAKE A MISTAKE.
YOU'VE MADE A MISTAKE.
THERE ARE THREE LEVELS.
MISTAKE, MISS CHIVE AND
MAYHEM.
MISCHIEF AND MAYHEM HE DID
NOT CAUSE.
WE'RE INTO MISTAKE.
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A
MISTAKE.
YOU OWN IT.
SO HE CAN'T SAY IT WASN'T MY
FAULT, MY PARENTS WERE
TAKING ME OR THEY FORGOT TO
REMIND ME.

Maureen says HE'S TEN.
DOES THAT MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE?

Barbara says NOPE.
I MEAN IT DOES IF HE'S FIVE.
BUT TEN --

Maureen says HE SHOULD HAVE
KNOWN, YEAH.

Barbara says AND THEN I'D SAY YOU GOT
TO WON'T PROBLEM.
YOU GOT TO FIX IT AND YOU
HAVE TO LEARN FROM IT.
THOSE THREE THINGS.

Maureen says AND IF HE
DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIX IT?

Barbara says OH, THAT'S WHY WE'RE
HERE.
WE'RE HERE TO SAY I'M HERE
TO HELP YOU GET THROUGH THIS
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE'VE MESSED UP IN OUR
LIVES.
WE'VE LITTLE BIT MORE AGE
AND WISDOM BEHIND US HERE.
SO YOU MADE A MISTAKE.
IF YOU CALL IT A MISTAKE
INSTEAD OF JUDGING AUTO HIM,
HOW DARE YOU, OR WORRYING
ABOUT WHY WOULDN'T HE WANT
TO GO TO THE MEET, IS THERE
SOMETHING HERE --
I'M NOT GOING TO GET INTO
THAT.
I DO ASSERTIVE WORRY.
YOU WORRY YOU NEED TO
WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE TIME --
BACK OFF OF THAT WHAT DO YOU
NEED IF I CANNING?
HE SAYS I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'D SAY WELL, YOU KNOW,
YOUR TEAMMATES, HOW DO YOU
THINK THEY FELT.
INSTEAD OF YOU LET YOUR
TEAMMATES DOWN.
LET'S LET HIM DO SOME
PERSPECTIVE TAKING.
THINK YOUR TEAMMATES.
SOMEBODY HAD TO FILL IN FOR
ME, OKAY WHAT CAN YOU DO TO
FIX THAT?
THAT'S MORE EMPOWERING THAN
“LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE?”
SO YOU OWN IT, YOU DON'T
BLAME ANYBODY ELSE FOR IT
AND YOU DON'T SAY WHEN HE
SAYS “WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE
TOLD ME WE WERE GOING AWAY,
IT'S YOUR FAULT,” I MEAN,
YOU MADE A MISTAKE, IT'S
OKAY, YOU MADE A MISTAKE.
NOW YOU NEED TO OWN IT.
YOU NEED TO FIX IT.
WHO DO YOU THINK WOULD BE
THE FIRST ONE YOU NEED TO
CALL?
YOU NOTICED I DIDN'T SAY --
CAUGHT COACH.
BUT MAYBE IT'S NOT THE
COACH.
MAYBE HE SAYS I'VE GOT TO
CALL THE KID WHO HAD TO FILL
IN --
I WANT TO THANK HIM FOR IT
AND I BLEW THIS ONE.
AND I ALWAYS SAY TO HIM
REMEMBER NO EXCUSES.
EXCUSES MAKE YOU LOOK SGEAK
YOU'RE INTO THE WEAK KID.
YOU'RE KID WHO MADE A
MISTAKE.
YOU NEED TO CALL A COACH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK WOULD BE A
GOOD THING TO SAY TO THE
COACH?
MOM, I DON'T KNOW.
FIRST THING IS DON'T LIGHT.
BE STRAIGHT UP WITH HIM.
AND YOU CAN SAY COACH, I
BLEW THIS ONE.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
I DIDN'T TELL MY PARENTS
THAT WE HAD A MEET.
I FOR GO.
IT'S OKAY TO FORGET.
AND THEN WHAT AM I GOING TO
DO NEXT TIME?
HOW CAN I LEARN FROM THIS?
AND YOU SAY TO HIM “WHAT DO
YOU THINK WE CAN DO?”
WE HAVE A CRAZY SCHEDULE
HERE.
CAN WE TOOT PUT --

Maureen says A CALENDAR IN YOUR ROOM?

Barbara says OR ON THE FRIDGE, PUBLIC
SO WE ALL KIND OF HELP ONE
ANOTHER OUT.
WHAT THAT SAYS TO A KID IS
WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE, I DON’T
HAVE TO
TO HIDE IT I DON'T HAVE TO
BLAME SOMEBODY ELSE, I DON'T
HAVE TO PRETEND IT DIDN'T
HAPPEN.
I DO HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO
FIX IT, OWN IT AND LEARN
FROM IT.
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO CALL
THE COACH.

Maureen says OH, GOOD.
I WAS NERVOUS ABOUT THAT.
CINDY'S IN LONDON.
HI CINDY?

Cindy says HI.

Maureen says HI, GO AHEAD.

Cindy says I HAVE
17-YEAR-OLD SON WHO IS AND
ALWAYS HAS BEEN VERY OPEN
WITH ME, TELLING ME THINGS.
NOW HIS FRIENDS, GIRLS AND
GUYS HAVE STARTED DOING THE
SAME SO I'M STARTING TO GET
LITTLE NERVOUS.
I'M NOT A PSYCHOLOGIST, I'M
AN AT-HOME MOM AND THEY JUST
SEEM REALLY -- I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S COMFORTABLE OR JUST
THEY WANT TO TELL SOMEBODY
OR WHAT --

Barbara says WISE AND CARING ADULT.
WE ALL NEED WISE AND CARING
ADULTS IN OUR LIVES.

Cindy says YEAH.

Maureen says YEAH. WHAT IS IT
YOU'VE HEARD THAT MAKES YOU
NERVOUS THAT YOU'RE NOT
QUALIFIED TO GIVE THEM
ADVICE ON?

Cindy says WELL, SEX AND -- LIKE NOT
THAT I -- I MEAN, I COULD
COACH THEM ON THAT A LITTLE
BIT, BUT I THINK THAT THEY
TELL ME ABOUT SEX AND IF
THEY'RE GOING TO PARTIES IF
THEY'RE DRINKING OR IF
THERE'S DRUGS OR, YOU KNOW,
THEY'RE ALL PRETTY GOOD KIDS
BUT THERE'S A COUPLE WHO ARE
OBVIOUSLY --

Barbara says A LITTLE MORE ACTIVE THAN
YOU CARE.
WELL I'M GOING GO BACK TO
THE TELLING AND TATTLING.
IF IT'S IN, OUT OR BOTH.
IF IT'S IN TROUBLE, YOU
DON'T -- WHEN THEY SHARE
THAT INFORMATION WITH YOU,
YOU KEEP IT.
IF IT'S GOING GET THEM OUT
OF TROUBLE, AND THING A
KID'S DABBLING DRUGS,
AND PERSPECTIVE TAKING HERE,
LOOK AT IF YOU WERE THE
MOTHER OF A CHILD WHO'S
TALKING TO YOU, WOULD YOU
WANT TO KNOW.
IF IT'S GOING TO GET HIM IN
TROUBLE, DON'T TELL ME.
IF IT'S GOING TO GET HIM OUT
OF TROUBLE, TELL ME.
IF IT'S BOTH, I NEED TO
KNOW.
IF I HAVE A SEXUALLY ACTIVE
TEEN WHO IS GOING TO YOU TO
SHARE THAT INFORMATION,
YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU MIGHT
SUPPOSE WOULD GET HIM IN
TROUBLE, BUT I WOULD HOPE
THE DIALOGUE TOGETHER WOULD
GET HIM OUT OF SOME SERIOUS
TROUBLE WHICH MEANS OKAY, I
GOT TO SIT DOWN AND TALK TO
HIM ABOUT SOME ISSUES AROUND
SEXUALITY, ABOUT SAFER SEX
AND I CAN TELL THEM WHAT MY
VALUES ARE AND WHERE I'M
COMING FROM, BUT IN THE TEEN
YEARS THEY STILL MAKE THEIR
OWN CHOICES.
IT'S THEIR BODIES

Maureen says AND
WHAT IF IN THAT CASE YOU
KNOW THESE PARENTS WILL NOT
BE LIBERAL-MINDED AND
INSTEAD OF TALKING TO THEM
ABOUT SAFER SEX, THEY'LL SAY
“YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THIS
HOUSE AGAIN.”
SO IT ONLY GETS THEM IN
TROUBLE IT DOESN'T REALLY
GET THEM OUT OF TROUBLE?

Barbara says I'VE HAD THIS SITUATION
WHERE I'VE ALWAYS SAID TO MY
KIDS, THIS IS WHERE I'M
COMING FROM IN REGARDS TO
INTIMACY AND CELIBACY AND
SAFER SEX, BUT I ALWAYS TOLD
THEM WHERE I WAS COMING FROM,
BUT I ALWAYS SAID TO THEM
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME HOME.
AND I SAID TO THE GIRLS IF
YOU EVER GOT PREGNANT, YOU
CAN ALWAYS COME HOME.
IT WOULD NOT BE A CHOICE I
WOULD WANT YOU TO MAKE AT
THIS POINT, IF YOU'RE
SEXUALLY ACTIVE, YOU CAN
ALWAYS COME HOME AND I
ALWAYS SAID TO MY SON IF
SOMEONE GETS PREGNANT YOU
HAVE A THREE LETTER WORD
TURNED INTO FOUR, SEX INTO BABY
AND THAT BABY HAS
MORE RIGHTS THAN YOU HAVE
CHOICES AT THIS POINT, BUT
YOU CAN ALWAYS COME HOME.
EVERY ONE OF MY KIDS BROUGHT
A FRIEND HOME IN THAT
SITUATION.
AND I COULD NOT AT THAT
POINT SAY TO THEM I'M NOT
GOING TO TELL YOUR PARENTS.
ONE OF THEM SAID MY
PARENTS'LL KILL ME.
AND I SAID “BUT I WILL BE
WITH YOU WHEN YOU TELL
THEM.”
WOULD YOU LIKE THEM OVER
HERE OR THERE?
BECAUSE I BELIEVE I HAVE AN
OBLIGATION AS WELL.
BECAUSE THAT BABY NEEDS
MEDICAL TREATMENT THAT GIRL
NEEDS SOMEBODY TO BE THERE
TO SUPPORT HER.
THE INTERESTING THING ABOUT
THAT ONE GIRL IN PARTICULAR,
SHE WAS SO AFRAID, AND SHE
DID HAVE BRICK WALL PARENTS.
IT'S AMAZING WHEN YOU'RE IN
A CRISIS, WHEN YOU HAVE
SUPPORT.
THOSE PARENTS TURNED OUT TO
BE VERY SUPPORTIVE OF HER.

Maureen says WELL BARBARA
COLOROSO WAS STANDING RIGHT
THERE --

Barbara says TIME A NEIGHBOUR IN MY
TOWN, I'M JUST THE
NEIGHBOUR.
I TRY TO BE THE NEIGHBOUR.
BUT I DIDN'T -- SHE SAID CAN
THEY COME TO OUR HOUSE --
OUR HOUSE.
MY HOUSE.
AND I SAID SURE, HON.
AND I CALLED THEM UP AND I
SAID TO THE MOM THERE IS A
SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE AND SHE
SAID “SHE'S PREGNANT, ISN'T
SHE?”
MOM KNEW.
AND SHE SAID “I DON'T KNOW
HOW MY HUSBAND'S GOING
HANDLE THIS?”
AND I SAID WOULD YOU COME
OVER FIRST?
HE WAS SO GOOD.

Maureen says REALLY?
REALLY?

Barbara says AFTER THE FACT THAT HE
GOT OVER THE FACT THAT HE
WANTED TO LYNCH THE BOY
FIRST.
THE ANGER CAME FIRST BUT
THEN HE WAS OH MY GOD WHAT
CAN WE DO.

Maureen says SO A LESSON FOR
ALL PARENTS, REMINDS YOUR
KIDS, THEY CAN ALWAYS COME
HOME.
IF THEY'D SAID THAT TO HER
SHE MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SO
AFRAID AND NEEDED TO TELL
YOU FIRST.

Barbara says BUT YOU SEE, I WANT YOU
AS A NEIGHBOUR AND FRIEND TO
KNOW IF THE NEIGHBOUR KIDS
CAN COME TO YOU, THEN YOU
HELP THEM GET THE HELP THEY
NEED.
AND IF IT'S IN TROUBLE DON'T
TELL.
IF IT'S OUT OF TROUBLE,
TELL.
FP IT'S BOTH... SOMEBODY
NEEDS TO KNOW.

Maureen says OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
GOOD LUCK.
THAT'S GREAT QUESTION.
SANDY SAYS “I WAS WONDERING
WHEN IS THE NEXT STEP FOR
PARENTS, WHEN YOU LISTEN TO
YOUR CHILD TELLING YOU ABOUT
HIS CONFLICTS IN SCHOOL.
I OFTEN WANT TO TEACH MY
CHILDREN THAT THERE ARE TWO
SIDES TO EVERY COIN, NOT TO
OVER REACT BUT I FEEL MY
KIDS ARE FRUSTRATED THAT I'M
NOT DOING ANYTHING.
I'M NOT IF I'M TOGETHER
RIGHT THING.
CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME
STEPS?

Barbara says HOW OLD ARE THE KIDS?

Maureen says IT DOESN'T SAY.

Barbara says LITTLE ONES WE NEED TO BE
THERE TO DO A LOT OF
INSTRUCTING AND ALSO IF THERE
IS SOMETHING COMING ON THAT
BORDERS ON BULLYING, THERE'S
ANOTHER WORD FOR THAT THAT'S
AWFUL, BUT IT'S NOT AS BAD
AS WHAT IT DESCRIBES, IT'S
CALLED PREDATORY AGGRESSION.
IF THERE'S PREDATORY
AGGRESSION, WHERE SOMEBODY
IS UNMERCIFULLY BEING PICKED
ON THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT
THAN THE LITTLE TOUSLES THAT
KIDS HAVE IN SCHOOL AND WHAT
I WANT TO DO IS TEACH THEM
HOW TO RESOLVE THAT
NON-VIOLENTLY.
CONFLICTS HAPPEN BUT
VIOLENCE IS NOT.
YOU WANT TO TEACH THEM HOW
TO HANDLE THEIR CONFLICTS
NON-VIOLENTLY.
IF IT IS SOMEBODY
OVERPOWERING ANOTHER PERSON
WE AS ADULTS NEED TO
INTERVENE AS A YOUNGER AGE.
IF THESE ARE OLDER KIDS AND
THEY WANT HER TO INTERVENE
YOU WOULD SAY TO THEM “LET
ME GIVE YOU THE COOLS
BECAUSE I'M NOT ALWAYS GOING
TO BE AROUND TO DO IT.”
I USED TO SAY TO MY OWN
STUDENTS WHEN THEY WERE
MAINSTREAMED INTO ANOTHER
CLASS “NOT EVERYBODY'S GOING
TO BE AS NICE AS ME AND I
KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE THEM.”
GIVE THEM TOOLS TO HANDLE IT
WHEN THEY WOULD COME IN
COMPLAINING THAT TEACHER
ISN'T AS NICE.
I WOULD SAY YOU'VE GOT TO
GET THROUGH ENGLISH CLASS,
LET ME GIVE YOU A TOOL FOR
DOING IT.
SO I WANT TO TEACH MY TEAM
SOME TOOLS FORGETTING
THROUGH ANY SITUATION ALWAYS
KNOWING WHEN IT REACHED
PREDATORY AGGRESSION THEY
CAN TELL AN ADULT.
WE NEED TO TELL AN ADULT
WHEN IT'S THAT BUT IF IT'S
THE NORMAL TO US SELL, GIVE
THEM SOME GOOD COMEBACKS
USING HUMOUR AND
ASSERTIVENESS.
I ALSO TRY TO TEACH THEM --
IT REALLY COMES AROUND FULL
CIRCLE IN THE TEEN YEARS I
TEACH THEM ABOUT A CIRCLE.
HERE'S CIRCLE WITH A LINE
THROUGH IT.
THIS IS YOU, THIS IS LIFE,
EVENTS AND OTHER PEOPLE.
THEY CAN SEND YOU AN
INVITATION.
THEY SEND YOU INVITATIONS
ALL THE TIME.
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO ACCEPT
THAT INVITATION OR REJECT
THAT INVITATION.
YOU CONTROL THIS 50 percent, THEY
CONTROL THIS 50 PERCENT.
THEY CAN'T CONTROL YOU.
YOU CAN'T CONTROL THEM.
HOWEVER, THE WAY YOU RESPOND
BACK, THE WAY YOU EITHER
ACCEPT OR REJECT THE
INVITATION WILL INFLUENCE
HOW THEY RESPOND BACK TO
YOU.
SEE, YOU AND I CONTROL 50 PERCENT
OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I CONTROL WHAT I SAY TO YOU,
YOU CONTROL IF AND HOW YOU
RECEIVE IT.

Maureen says TEN SECONDS LEFT
TO CONTROL IT BARBARA.

Barbara says YOU CONTROL IT -- BUT WE
INFLUENCE ONE ANOTHER 100 PERCENT.
AND I WANT TO TEACH KIDS
THAT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO ACCEPT THE
INVITATION, YOU CAN
INFLUENCE THE SITUATION.

Maureen says I INVITE YOU
BACK.

Barbara says OH, IT'S OVER!

Maureen says YEAH, ALREADY.
THANKS, BARBARA.

Barbara says IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

Maureen says BARBARA COLOROSO
THE AUTHOR OF “KIDS ARE
WORTH IT.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION, CHECK
OUT THE WEBSITE AT
WWW.KIDSAREWORTHIT.COM.
AND THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE TO
“MORE TO LIFE” TODAY. I HOPE
YOU’LL TUNE IN AGAIN, MONDAY
THROUGH FRIDAY AT 1 O’CLOCK.

A slate appears with the caption “The advice given in the preceding program is of general nature only. Viewers should consult their own professional for medical advice specific to their circumstances.”

Watch: Parenting