Transcript: DeterminED | Jul 16, 2021

An opening slate on a surface of gray wooden slats reads "A Nicole Arnt Film."

A woman packs a tote bag with gym clothes.

Tasha says ED CAME INTO MY
LIFE WHEN I WAS 18.
HE TOLD ME THAT IF I
WOULD GO TO THE GYM
FOR TWO HOURS THAT WOULD
HELP ME GET TO THE BODY
THAT HE FELT THAT
I SHOULD HAVE.
HE WOULD TELL ME
THAT I WASN'T PRETTY,
HE WOULD TELL ME
THAT I WAS FAT.
OFTEN IN A DAY HE WOULD
TELL ME I WAS FAT.
I MEAN, HE WAS CONSTANTLY
CHECKING MY BODY OUT
AND PICKING PROBABLY
EVERY INCH OF IT APART.
(Gentle music plays)

A title caption reads "DeterminED." Tasha, in her twenties with a short ponytail
appears shadow-boxing in a gym with Ed.

Tasha continues ED LOVED WHEN I
WAS EXERCISING.
I WAS WORKING OUT
TO THE EXTREME SIX,
SEVEN DAYS A WEEK
FOR TWO HOURS.
I WOULD NOT LEAVE THE
GYM UNTIL I BURNT OFF
"X." AMOUNT OF CALORIES.
ED PROMISED ME THAT
IF I DID EVERYTHING
THAT HE TOLD ME TO DO AND TO
FOLLOW EVERYTHING TO A T.,
THAT I WOULD GET THIN AND
I WOULD GET MORE BEAUTIFUL
AND MORE ACCEPTED BY MY
FRIENDS AND MY FAMILY
AND, YOU KNOW,
PEERS, CO-WORKERS.
THERE WAS TIMES THAT ED
MADE ME FEEL LIKE CRAP,
SO TO SPEAK.
MADE ME FEEL EXTREMELY
BELITTLED AND LIKE
I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
BUT THEN THERE WAS TIMES
THE RELATIONSHIP WAS GREAT
BECAUSE I WAS DOING WHAT
HE SAID FOR ME TO DO AND
PRAISING ME AND TELLING
ME I WAS DOING A GOOD JOB
AND I WAS FEELING
ACCEPTED BY ED AS WELL.
AND SOMETIMES LISTENING
TO ED IS, YOU KNOW,
IT JUST FEELS GOOD.

(music plays)

Tasha sits, with long black hair parted in the middle, wearing a light blue
jersey, and speaks for the camera.

Tasha says ANYWAYS, SO WHEN MY
DAUGHTER WAS BORN
AFTER QUITE A FEW YEARS.
WELL, I WAS 24 WHEN SHE WAS BORN
IS WHEN I STARTED TO UM...
REALIZE I CAN'T BE DOING
THESE BEHAVIOURS ANYMORE
BECAUSE IT WASN'T JUST
ABOUT MY LIFE ANYMORE...
IT WAS ABOUT MY LITTLE GIRL'S LIFE.
[crying]
AND I KNEW WHAT I WAS
DOING WASN'T HEALTHY,
AS MUCH AS I DIDN'T CARE
TO SOME DEGREE, BECAUSE
I JUST WANTED TO LOOK
AND FEEL A CERTAIN WAY.
BUT I HAD ANOTHER LIFE THAT
I NEEDED TO BE HERE FOR.
SO, I WAS ABLE TO CONTROL
SOME OF MY BEHAVIOURS AND
NOT FALLING INTO THEM, AND
THAT WORKED FOR A WHILE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I'D
GO A FEW MONTHS,
HALF A YEAR OR SO WITHOUT
THE BEHAVIOURS AND THEN...
IT WOULD COME BACK
INTO ME AND I WOULD GO
TO MORE EXTREME BEHAVIOURS
SUCH AS PURGING
AND I WAS ABUSING SUCH
THINGS AS LAXATIVES.
TO THE POINT THAT I DIDN'T
EVEN HAVE ANY CONTROL
OVER MY BOWELS.

In an album, and on her cell, photos show her looking very thin.

Tasha continues I WAS LOSING A LOT OF
WEIGHT QUITE FAST, AND
I WAS STARTING TO GET
RECOGNIZED AND NOTICED.
SO GETTING THAT PRAISE
AND THAT RECOGNITION,
IT ALMOST BECAME LIKE A
HEROIN TO ME BECAUSE "WOW,
YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING ALL
THIS PRAISE AND THESE
PEOPLE DON'T REALLY KNOW
WHAT IT IS I'M DOING BUT
CLEARLY WHATEVER I'M DOING
IS WORKING TO ACHIEVE,
YOU KNOW, THAT "LOOK" THAT
I FELT THAT SOCIETY
HAS PLACED UPON US.
(Gentle music plays)

Tasha holds up a cartoon-like sketch.

Tasha continues THIS IS ED, MY
EATING DISORDER.
I'VE HAD TO KIND OF
CREATE AND DRAW A PICTURE
WHAT I FEEL MY EATING
DISORDER LOOKS LIKE.
IT'S NOT REALLY A FACE BUT
IT'S JUST A VOICE
THAT'S ALWAYS IN MY
HEAD THAT I KNOW
ISN'T THE RIGHT
WAY OF THINKING.
AND I NEED TO BE ABLE
TO RECOGNIZE MY EATING
DISORDER DOES NOT DEFINE
WHO I AM AS A PERSON.
AND I NEED TO BREAK FREE
OF MY EATING DISORDER
AND TO DISCOVER WHO
TASHA IS AGAIN.
AND NOT WHO TASHA IS WITH ED.
RIGHT NOW I'M WORKING ON
MY RECOVERY AND I'M
AN OUTPATIENT AT THE LOCAL
EATING DISORDER CLINIC.

She enters the clinic and a room whose door bears the sign "Please do not
enter... Group in progress." She appears in a session with a blonde therapist.

Tasha continues I GO THERE ONCE A WEEK AND
I ATTEND A GROUP SESSION,
PLUS I'M IN TOUCH WITH A
THERAPIST ON A REGULAR BASIS.
FOR ME, BEING AT THE CLINIC
HAS REALLY OPENED UP
MY EYES AND HELPED ME TO
REALIZE JUST HOW MUCH
OF A MENTAL ILLNESS AN
EATING DISORDER REALLY IS.
AND THAT I'M ACTUALLY MORE SICK
THAN I REALLY BELIEVED THAT I WAS.
AND HOW MUCH DAMAGE
ED HAS DONE TO ME
OVER THE PAST 22 YEARS.
THE TEAM AT THE CLINIC HAS
GIVEN ME SO MUCH SUPPORT,
STRATEGIES AND
COPING SKILLS
FOR A LIFE FREE OF ED.
I'M NOT PROUD OF MY EATING
DISORDER BUT I AM PROUD
THAT I AM WORKING TOWARD
RECOVERY AND I KNOW
THAT RECOVERY IS POSSIBLE.
I HAVE HOPE AND I
HAVE FAITH FOR THAT.

(music plays)
The screen fades to black.

Watch: DeterminED