We first found out about Michele’s sickness when we were on a ski vacation. It was a bright sunny day and Michele loved skiing but she kept complaining that she had no energy and could not ski that trip. When we got back to the city she went to her GP who had some x-rays done. The technician said after the x-ray, "So you are a smoker?" And Michele said, "no" and the technician went “oh.” This made us wonder.

Then Michele's GP made an appointment to see a specialist and we got in within a week. Who gets into a specialist that quick? The specialist looks at the x-rays and says it could be many different things and says, "Why don’t you guys go have lunch and come back? I am going to book a CAT scan at the hospital." We come back and the specialist says, "Okay, I got one. You have to be at this hospital within one hour. "Who can get a CAT scan within one hour? We were starting to ask questions and the specialist just said, "Don’t worry until we have answers." CAT scan is over and next thing you know we are at a thoracic surgeon's office. Who says the medical system doesn’t work when you really need it? Thoracic surgeon is worried that it might be "Polio" because Michele’s mother and father were exposed to it in the Fifties. The thoracic surgeon wants to go in and take a sample of the tissue to test, but if it is Polio he will have infected the operating room and the employees.

I went on a business trip to Ottawa. Michele feels it is getting worse and decides the only way to get action is to check herself into emergency that way they will have to find out what is going on. She calls a neighbour to drive her to the hospital. When they go to check her in, they check her oxygen level and it is at 87%. It is supposed to be at around 97%. The next day she is having a biopsy of some lung tissue and she finds out she has Non-Small Cell Lung Cancer or what they call the Non-Smokers Lung Cancer. I received the call from the thoracic surgeon that night and came back. He stayed and met with us and he told us how this is a bad cancer that does not go away and that we could go through chemo which will be very hard on Michele and may not buy us any time. He told us that best case scenario was two months and we should go and get our family matters in order.

The next day the oncologist came in and was very encouraging that he can buy us time and he has done this before. But he said, "You need to be in the chemo clinic this morning. Next week is too late, you are getting weak fast." We decided "yes" and the interns brought Michele to the clinic and we started chemo. The oncologist said what the normal Health Canada limits were with chemo and this type of cancer. He said that he has had better results with the old version of six rounds instead of four and full doses each time. We went with his advice. He was right it knocked it back and actually cleared the lungs in the end. Unfortunately, Michele was already a level four which meant the cancer had spread to the bones before we started chemo. It is an odd feeling when you and your loved one are in a hospital fighting for her life.

The average life expectancy for non-smokers lung cancer is 2 to 6 months. You might remember Christopher Reeves' wife had the same illness and went through chemo and six months later passed away. It is interesting how cancer works, you can knock it back and feel good, but as soon as it comes back, it is fast. From the time Michele first noticed something was wrong and it was coming back, literally four weeks later she passed away. And two of those she was so heavily sedated she was not conscious. Lesson: act quickly with the time you have.

Michele’s mother fought and lost to stomach cancer two years before Michele’s passing. The same thing, she had four good months and then two bad months before passing. Interesting how her mother went to see a psychic years back, who told her that one of her three daughters was going to pass away early in life and she was going to pass away before the daughter so she would be on the other side to meet her.

We tried to do as many things as we could with the time we had when Michele finished with the chemo. It was very hard on her system and she had very little energy. There were lots of changes the one she did not like was her hair falling out and when it came back after the chemo instead of brunette, it was dark black. I remember when she went for her “Pixie” cut she was crying because of how short it was. There were many close moments like this that brought us closer than ever before.

Michele was one who always had to have everything prepared and laid out well ahead of time. We always had to be at the airport hours and hours ahead of the flight time, even though we would always end up sitting there waiting. And of course, I am one of those who show up as they are loading the plane types. Michele had planned everything for when she was not going to be here. She had even tried to plan my next relationship. She said that she wanted to make sure I ended up with someone good. She had list of things to give to people when she was gone and they all had a reason for why. She put together a jewellery box for our daughter that has items for each birthday and why.

Michele did not want to create videos of herself. She was always thinking of what would happen later on. She prepared photo albums and wrote letters, but did not want to have a video going on about how she missed her baby.

One of the things I did when Michele was finally slipping at the end was to contact a bereavement counsellor for children and make sure our daughter was prepared. I contacted the Max and Beatrice Wolfe Centre at Mount Sinai Hospital. A counsellor came out and worked with my daughter. It was interesting because all the things that you would think of doing to protect your child are all the things you shouldn’t do. And I initially called them because I didn’t want my daughter waking up as a teenager and saying, "Why didn’t you do this?" or "Why did you do that?" and having her all mixed up. Anyway they tell you that she has to take part in everything.

When Michele was getting sicker and was bedridden, when she was unconscious the last couple of weeks, you need to show her that her mother is not getting better and that she’s going to pass away. My daughter would go to the hospice and jump up on the bed with Michele and kiss Mom like she was still there. Note: my daughter was only five years old at the time but it was still preparing her for what was coming. Then that one morning when she passed I went and got my daughter out of her kindergarten class and told her. She wanted to go to the hospice. Then I noticed she didn’t believe she was gone. The funeral home had already taken Michele away but we went to the hospice anyway and my daughter sat on the bed talking to her mother for a while.

She was part of the funeral and I brought her up front when I did a little speech for Michele. She had a flower and card she had made to put with all the others. The bereavement councillor said she has to be part of the funeral and she had to have something to give away. We have daughter / father outings at the gravesite a couple of times a year and we send up helium balloons with cards and messages a couple of times a year.

We followed up with the bereavement counsellor a couple of times and she stated my daughter was doing great. I also believe she is. We joined a bereavement counselling group, one for me and one for kids. After the bereavement for kids group we joined another bereavement group for kids and I did this to show my daughter that she is not the only one out there that has had this happen to her. There are other groups out there when someone loses a grandparent or is divorced etc but I found and joined the one that was just for widowed parents. I believe you need to show kids other kids who are the same. We have many friends in the group and there are widowed parents and kids outings during the year. It is a good forum for how to move forward which is what we are doing.

Death is a humbling experience that makes people appreciate life and all that it has to offer. It is not an easy path to follow and anyone who tries to tell you it is would be lying to you.

Gerry (last name withheld by request)