TVO Parents

Where's My Village?

Fri, 26 Jun 09 18:31:28 GMT

Parenting is hard. We don’t need an article, TV show or any expert to tell us that. But, I believe that parenting gets substantially easier when close friends or family can jump in and take the edge off on a regular basis.

While I’m writing an article about our loss of “village” (in the context of, “It takes a village to raise a child,”) I think about my own and my friends’ situations. These days, family members don’t always live in the same town or city – or even country. Even if they do, full-time work or other commitments may take priority over assisting family.

Before I had kids, I didn’t think too much about proximity to family. Sure, I liked to see my cousins, aunts and uncles around holidays and I missed my parents if too many weeks went by without seeing them. But, as a single woman, geographic proximity to family wasn’t really an issue. If I was homesick, I jumped on a train to go home for a weekend or wrangled an invitation to a relative’s house for dinner.

But, since getting married and having children, the urgent need to have helpful family members around has hit me hard. I remember many days where I’d be close to tears wishing that a grandparent, aunt, uncle or…just about anyone...would come by and give me (or me and my husband) a much-needed break from child-rearing. The long days and long nights with two young children just about did us in. This put a terrible strain on our young family.

This is not to say we never had relatives, friends or neighbours babysit – those precious hours were and are very welcome and appreciated. But, when I glance outside at our neighbours across the street and watch the grandparents and aunts stream in for babysitting and household help, I always feel a little ping in my heart.

It’s not just jealousy in that ping (though there’s some of that mixed in!), it’s thinking about the loss of my own village. With my parents in another city, my in-laws busy travelling, and my brother three hours away with his own family, we’re constantly constructing a new kind of make-shift village. However, slowly, we’re building one with neighbours, friends and other families in the community.

I know that things will get easier as our kids grow, as they expand their own social networks, and as we get used to our roles. However, I don’t think I’ll ever give up thinking about what our personal village could have been. Everyone benefits from positive family intervention – kids get to know their extended family better (and vice versa), and parents get to have some “me” time. This makes us all happier and healthier human beings.

How do you build your village? Do you have family around to help you? Have you constructed a modern-day village with neighbours or friends? We’d love to hear from you. Join our discussion forum.

Re-Thinking Father's Day

Wed, 10 Jun 09 15:31:43 GMT

Father’s Day is coming and I imagine many mothers, partners, children and family members are busily planning something meaningful for the dads in their lives. Me? I always get a little bit anxious around Father’s Day, trying to figure out a plan for my dad, my father-in-law and my husband. What’s a modern-day mom to do?

Recently, I conducted an informal poll with friends and colleagues to see what others do to celebrate. One woman who responded to the poll said that she offered to take her father on a winery tour in the Niagara region but her dad rejected the idea – she’s decided to just give him a box of chocolates. Another person said that she’s giving her husband the entire day to himself. And, a colleague reminded me that there are many children who don’t have a dad in their life. This woman’s son makes his school-made Father’s Day gifts for his Grandpa.

Looking for Specific Ideas? Here’s a Round-Up:

Suggestion #1 – For the Foodie

Unless you have access to cheap babysitting or helpful family members, a quiet Father’s Day brunch out as a couple just isn’t possible. And, really, let’s face it: most dads don’t have ‘brunch’ at the top of their must-have list anyway.

Some may consider an outdoor BBQ dinner that Dad doesn’t have to cook himself. (This won’t work for my family, sadly – I admit that I don’t know how to turn on a BBQ. So embarrassing!) Well, there’s always scrambled eggs, French Toast and coffee, right? Or, you can take family brunch one step further and have a picnic in your local park.

Suggestion #2 – Clothes Make the Man

While most people no longer give ties as a Father’s Day gift (though, come to think of it, my husband could use a new tie), many dads would be thrilled to skip the shopping trip and have their wives, partners or children pick up some new duds for them. My dad is quite selective about his clothing so any gift of this type would have to be carefully chosen. My husband, on the other hand, is less selective – as long as the intended item isn’t wildly colourful or too “out there”. If you’re looking for a way to “green” your Father’s Day celebration, visit a local garage sale or second-hand shop and present Dad with some vintage duds for his wardrobe.

Suggestion #3 - DIY

One of the best and most meaningful presents is one that’s easy enough for a kid to do. Homemade cards and projects are always a treat and continue to be in vogue. I know my little ones will bring home wonderful hand-made cards and gifts from school and daycare and they will be very much appreciated. In fact, TVOKids.com has a few creative Father’s Day projects up including make-your-own poems and cards. The kids and I will sit down and work on a few of these to bolster our Dad’s Day gift arsenal.

Another do-it-yourself suggestion for Father’s Day: grab Dad and head out to volunteer for the day en famille. You might find a good volunteering gig on GetInvolved.ca or via your local United Way Agency.
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For those in the Toronto-north area, why not head down to Whittamore’s Farm and join TVOKids on June 21st where dads get in free and special events are taking place.

What are you doing to celebrate and honour your dad and/or husband? Anything special or out-of-the-box? We’d love to hear about your plans. Share with us by commenting below or in our Parenting Forum.

Fearing the Unknown – The Issue of Transgender

Fri, 29 May 09 14:52:14 GMT

This week, I am researching and writing an article on transgender youth and school. At first, the term transgender was completely foreign to me – “Trans-who?” I thought, when my colleague at Your Voice first mentioned the topic. My second impulse was to scratch my head and wonder: “A boy who really wants to be a girl? I don’t quite get it.” But, after learning more about the issue, I’ve come to understand that, like most human beings, those who identify as “trans” just want to be accepted for who they really are.

Once my colleague, Karen, and I spoke about the idea of transgender in greater detail (she is producing an episode on this topic), I felt more enlightened. And, I felt even further enlightened after an interview with the executive director of a counseling service who knows a great deal about youth coming to terms with their own sexuality and gender. It can be a scary time for both the children who are questioning their gender as well as their parents and siblings.

As a parent, I’ll admit this issue still makes me uneasy and I’m not entirely sure why: Is it because “trans” is an issue that I don’t have any experience with? Is it because human beings often fear things they don’t understand?
In terms of learning and sharing, I am very open to having educators discuss identity and gender in the classroom – as long as the information is age-appropriate.

However, I wonder whether teachers can do justice to the various forms of family and give equal time to all – there’s only so much time during the school day. And, how will teachers and other educators come to terms with their own fears and issues around identity? It will be interesting to see how society accepts (or does not accept) these differences and whether the change will be reflected in the classroom.

Who is God?

Thu, 14 May 09 15:19:50 GMT

“Mommy, who is God?” asks my almost-six-year-old son. “Is God a person or a ghost – a man or a woman?” Over the past year, my husband and I (and probably his teachers and friends) have been peppered by these types of questions. Others such as, “What does hell look like?” “Are there babies in heaven?” “Can I be a dog in my next life?” “How ‘bout a fish?” have also been posed recently.

I try to answer as optimistically and as truthfully as possible. Because ours is a diverse family and we live in a large urban centre, it may be easier for me to offer options here than it would be for another parent. My general response to my son’s “Who is God” queries sound something like, “Well, some people think God is a person, some people think s/he’s a spirit and some don’t believe in God at all. You get to decide for yourself.” No matter the answer, I’m pleased that my son is feeling philosophical and thoughtful and understands that there’s more to life than, well, meets the eye.

When responding to queries about spiritualism and religion, is there a line to be crossed in regard to providing too many options and too much information? Is leaving the door open, so to speak, confusing for a child? I’m not sure if anyone can definitively answer these types of questions. I know that I can’t, in good faith, tell my children: “This is God” or “This is what you should believe” if I’m not entirely convinced myself.

I’ll admit that I’m sometimes self-conscious about my lack of knowledge when it comes to religion – even my own religion. Not having a formally religious upbringing can be a deficit when it comes to celebrating holidays and answering these types of questions. It may be time to hone in on my understanding of various world cultures. That way, I’ll be able to provide informed alternatives.

My hope is that by providing our children with open, honest and tolerant answers about religion and culture, we can help them develop into open, honest and tolerant adults who will make informed decisions about religion as they grow. What do you say when your kids ask about God and religion? Register and provide your comments below; we’d love to hear from you.

Mommy's Going Back to Work

Wed, 13 May 09 19:58:37 GMT

I’m beginning to research the topic of childhood anxiety for an upcoming article. Unfortunately, this condition is on the rise. However, initial research shows that new school-based anti-anxiety programs like Friends for Life may prove useful in reversing this trend. Of course, parents can also make a difference in the way they deal with anxiety.

Recently I returned to full-time work after six years of freelancing from home or working part-time. During the vast majority of that time, I picked up my two kids from school and pre-school, had lunch with them and put our little one down for naps. In short – we spent a lot of time together.

So, once the decision to go back to full-time work was made, anxiety started creeping in. I worried about how I would adjust but mostly I worried about how the kids would adjust to spending more time with outside caregivers. Would they feel neglected? Rejected? Anxious?

Luckily, my school-aged son has adapted well. In fact, he told me that he’s downright thrilled to spend more time with his pals at the Montessori daycare they attend before and after school. On the other hand, our toddler daughter, while enjoying many things about daycare, seems to be a little bit sad, tired and often misses mommy. That, of course, breaks my heart and does nothing to lessen any anxiety I feel about the situation.

On my end, I do my best to model positive thoughts and actions. I also don’t share my worries and concerns with my children. In the mornings, I bid them cheery and warm “good-bye” (my husband does daycare drops-offs) and then spend as much time as I can with both kids in the evenings and on weekends.

Is this big change going to adversely affect me or our kids? Will our daughter grow up wishing I was around more during the day to play with her, feed her and hang out with her? I am confident and hopeful that our strong family unit and positive attitude will off-set any stress that my kids feel about the issue. What do you think? Do you feel the same way? Let us know by commenting below or joining in our parent forums.

For information on how some schools are dealing with anxiety in school, you can watch a special Your Voice episode on childhood anxiety.

Giving Back: Teaching Children about Volunteerism

Fri, 01 May 09 16:02:16 GMT

"Mommy, can you buy me that new toy? The one that comes with green goop and an extra power sprayer!" I often hear this and similar refrains from my two young children. In addition constantly explaining why we cannot buy X or Y, it concerns me that my kids seem to be focused on buying and having rather than giving. In our material world, opportunities to teach kids about empathy and community involvement seem few and far between.

To counter this, I talk to my kids about volunteering. I also think it would be wonderful to volunteer as a family. In the past, I’ve looked for these types of opportunities but never got very far in my search: obstacles like geography, safety and timing always come up. Key questions also arise: “Can my two young children realistically volunteer at a soup kitchen or hospital?” and “How could I ensure our safety and security while volunteering?” and “How can I find an organization that matches our interests?”

The old adage that kids ‘do as we do, not do as we say’ certainly comes into play here. I’ve volunteered for child welfare organizations and hospitals since I was a teenager. Right now, with a full-time job and two young children my volunteering time has dwindled to a once-a-month committee meeting and an annual door-to-door canvassing stint for a national charity. However, I try to bring one or both of my children when I go door-to-door to give them a peek into the world of community involvement.

However, I recently discovered a new web portal called GetInvolved.ca – a social networking site that matches individuals with organizations. This site showcases charities and other organizations requiring assistance, volunteers, grants, equipment, or expertise. It also offers users the chance to watch videos featuring “star” volunteers and learn about how various Canadians are making a difference in their communities. Users can click on different option tabs to explore the site or type in a keyword in the search box.

With this new user-friendly volunteering portal, my plan is to find a workable family-oriented volunteer opportunity in our city. It’s so important to me that my children understand the role of giving back: It not only takes a village to raise a child – it takes a child to raise a village. Everyone needs to do their part whether that means raising funds for a cause, investing time in a worthwhile organization or coming up with a new initiative for good.

Luckily, parents also now have some extra help when it comes to teaching kids about the importance of giving back. Ontario high school students must complete 40 hours of community service before graduating and elementary schools in the province now include character development in the curriculum. I hope that my children (and others) will use these vehicles to organically connect respect, responsibility, empathy, and kindness. Kahlil Gibran wrote, “You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” With a little help from parents, community leaders and teachers, today’s children will grow into the caring citizens we we dream of.

More on Volunteering and Teaching Empathy:
You and your children can check out featured Super Citizens on TVOKids.com and play games with Enviro-Girl and Atomic Guy. Read Cheryl Jackson’s blog post on the “we generation.”

Hey Kids! Buy This! Greenwashing Parents and Children

Mon, 20 Apr 09 18:09:43 GMT

The other day I was watching Arthur on TVO. It’s one of my…er…my kids’ favourite programs. This particular episode focused on Francine saving money to buy her good friend, Prunella, a "Polly Locket" doll for her birthday. Francine worked hard doing chores in order to save up enough cash to purchase the "must-have" doll for her young friend.

Watching Arthur’s crowd ooh and ahh over Polly Locket made me laugh and it made me ponder. We all know that kids are easily influenced by marketing and advertising – my own son has been begging me to buy a certain sugar cereal for the past few weeks. I’m sure you know the one – it features a jolly green leprechaun touting his cereal as magically delicious. (As an aside, I actually gave in and bought this in a desperate attempt to keep my children happy and quiet for a short time.) In any case, the updated "Marketing 101" lesson on Arthur, coupled with research I’m doing on Earth Day has given me a lot to think about.

Earth Day is almost upon us and, along with all of the useful action and programming that occurs, comes Earth Day’s sinister cousin – greenwashing. Do you know this term? I heard it for the first time last week while interviewing an expert for TVO’s Earth Day 2009 article. According to GreenwashingIndex.com: "…It’s greenwashing when a company or organization spends more time and money claiming to be ‘green’ through advertising and marketing than actually implementing business practices that minimize environmental impact. It’s whitewashing, but with a green brush."

Another way to think about this process: On the surface, one product seems to be more environmentally-friendly than another but, after reading and investigating, it turns out not to be the case. Take a box of pencils that tout recycled content, for example. The box and pencils themselves might be made from recycled content, but they may have been manufactured in, and shipped from, China to Canada therefore cancelling out any positive eco-friendly value. Greenwashing also includes, frighteningly, some baby and children’s products that claim to be free of BPA and other dangerous chemicals.

This scares me as I regularly choose a more "eco-friendly" (and usually more expensive!) bottle of baby wash because the product asserts that it’s "all natural" and has "no artificial colours." And, in my circle of friends, birthday and holiday gifts are often selected because they supposedly have no lead content, no toxic chemicals, or are made from recycled materials. But, is this really the case? Have we all been duped? Is this yet another worry that parents have to add to their list in order to protect ourselves and our children?

While my heart beats a little faster thinking about all those plastic drinking glasses we still have in our cupboard, or the supposedly hormone-free chicken I purchased, I realize that we will have to take baby steps to further our eco-knowledge. One thing we can do: Look for official, third-party certification logos and/or Canadian government-backed certification programs. Some examples are: Biologique Canada Organic; EcoLogo; and Energy Star. Now excuse me while I go research the new "green" diapers I recently purchased for our daughter…

Mixed Race or Bust

Mon, 30 Mar 09 19:15:24 GMT

Belong or Bust week made me reflect on my own sense of belonging. Usually, most people want to belong but, I think it’s cool to be different, too.

Growing up as a Jewish kid in Ottawa isn’t all that unusual though I was often one of only a few Jewish kids in elementary and high school. Occasionally, I was hit with racist or anti-Semitic remarks. Thirty-something years later, I still remember those insults. Most people I met were curious about Judaism – while attending university in Halifax, more than a few people mentioned that I was the first Jewish person they had ever met.

The man I married is half-Japanese and a non-practising Baptist. Our own two kids are half-Jewish, a quarter Japanese, and 100% "Canadian." There’s also some Russian, Hungarian, Scottish and other assorted cultures thrown into our mix. As far as I’m concerned, this mix is a good thing for us and our children. We live in a multi-cultural city where a Caucasian person can easily be in the minority and I’m confident that being part of various minority and majority groups will help shape our children’s sense of empathy and curiosity.

Benefits aside, being part of a mixed religion/race family can have its downfalls. With only a few Jewish friends and family members around, I have to rely on my relatives to invite us over for important Jewish festivals and holidays. It can be stressful knowing that I have to be the one to instil a love and understanding of Judaism in my young family. My husband is enthusiastic and always joins in on our cultural festivities but I’m the one who must plan for them.

On the religious flip side, although I enjoy celebrating Christian holidays, my sense of Jewish-ness can be tested. I often cringe when greeted with a warm, "Merry Christmas!" at my in-laws’ each December. Yes, I’m celebrating Christmas but I’m not actually participating as a Christian. It’s a very fine line and one that I’m sure many mixed race/religion families face.

We’ll continue to embrace our mix of religions and cultures. So far, our kids love the plentiful holidays and festivities on both spectrums. The time will come though, where they will feel out of place (Am I really Jewish?) and out of the loop (But, I don’t speak Japanese). I trust that life experience will help them to deal with that sense of "where do I belong?" and that they will forge their own path and place.

Belonging in the Motherhood

Fri, 20 Mar 09 17:23:13 GMT

Belong or Bust week begins at TVO on March 22nd 2009. Belonging means different things to different people but just about everyone can remember a time when they felt they didn’t belong.

Labeled the “welfare kid” in elementary school, I spent a great deal of time alone watching the much wealthier kids in my grade show off the labels they bought in Switzerland during the annual family ski trip, or brag about their new car, boat or cottage. I got used to not belonging as a child. But there is one clique I encountered early on that I still feel I do not rightly belong in and yet I find myself in it all the same—motherhood.

Fifty years ago having a child at 21 would have been so normal no one would have noticed—provided you were legitimately married. When I had my daughter, I was 21, unmarried and entering my third year of university.

My daughter was born almost 14 years ago, before the Jamie Lyn Spears’ of the world made young parenthood cool. And although I was 21 and in good control of my future, my young face (that has since become an asset) made me look about 13.

It started as soon as my pregnancy was noticeable. Friends I had had for years stopped talking to me and strangers made snide comments under their breath. No one ever gave me a seat on the bus or excitedly asked if they could touch my stomach. My professors flushed, stuttered and averted their eyes when I went to their offices with a question. No one ever asked when I was due or how I was feeling or if I was painting the nursery pink or blue—in fact, aside from the snide comments, no one ever addressed my pregnancy at all. I was literally the elephant in the room.

There is one incident that still sticks in my mind. I was about eight months pregnant and had joined a prenatal class with my daughter’s father. He couldn’t make it to the first class so my mother filled in. The instructor, who was forever channeling Susan Powter (the bald, highly strung diet guru of the 90s), decided it would be “neat” for everyone to describe their pregnancy “journey.”

The room was full of professional couples in their mid-thirties and they each took turns describing their fertility issues and the moment when they happily conceived. When it was my turn, the instructor raised her hand to silence me and announced: “Well, we all know how you got pregnant so let’s just move on.”

If that happened today I would have slugged her, but at that age I was a ball of anxiety and debilitating shame. I laughed along with the class at her “joke” and cried all the way home.

After my daughter was born just about everyone had an opinion about my ability to mother. One day, as I was pushing my daughter in a stroller down a crowded street, an elderly gentleman caught sight of me from across the road. He thundered toward me wagging his finger.

“Where’s your license?” he hollered. Thinking he was nuts, I continued walking. “You kids should need a license to have kids!” he screamed at my back. I ducked my head in embarrassment and skirted around the corner.

As I write this, I am eight months pregnant. I am 35, married and therefore “legitimate.” I get seats on the bus, people ask me how I’m feeling and I even get special treatment in restaurants and on airplanes. I now “belong” in the eyes of others.

I feel like if I accept my new legitimate position as a mother that it will diminish the mother I already am. I find myself resentful of my elevated status. I was/am a good mother to my daughter and it has nothing to do with my age or marital status. She’s a good kid and I can take pride in that. But that success will forever be shadowed by disapproval. People will admit that I did a good job “considering…” but that’s about as good as it’ll get.

This new baby will never see old men yelling or be excluded at Gymboree because her mom is considered too young to hang out with the other moms and kids. We will never be confused as sisters the way my daughter and I are now. This baby will never see her mother shunned at daycare and whispered about in the schoolyard. I wonder how that will feel. Now that I belong, do I really want to?

I start prenatal classes next week. I signed up, not because it’s useful, but because the insecure me wants to be the 30-something professional with a fertility story to tell. Part of me is hoping the same instructor will be there—because I have my gloves on and I’m finally ready to come out slugging.

Watch a whole week of programming as part of Belong or Bust: Where do I Fit In? week on TVO starting March 22nd 2009.

What Rihanna Taught Me about Parenting

Fri, 13 Mar 09 17:21:07 GMT

I must admit something here before going any further. I am a closeted pop culture junky. I read all the entertainment blogs, from the mainstream to the downright sleazy, and I watch all the shows that no self-respecting adult would admit to watching (no names because I still have to maintain at least an iota of integrity).

I say I am closeted because not even my husband is aware of it. Since my husband doesn’t know, neither does my daughter. She thinks I’m a complete geek who only listens to public radio and watches highbrow programming. She is completely unaware that I’ve downloaded all of her iPod music onto my iPod. Sure, I can say I do it so I’m aware of what she’s listening to, but the truth is, I like it.

One of the artists pilfered from my daughter’s iTunes is Rihanna. My husband would be horrified to know this but I quite enjoy Rihanna. I think she has a lot of interesting things to say—well maybe not, but her use of the word “umbrella” is inspiring.

Needless to say, when I heard that Rihanna was allegedly beaten by her boyfriend and subsequently took him back I watched with a mixture of horror and fascination.

At least I did until my daughter said something quite alarming. “Why is everyone so upset that she took him back?” she asked. “He said he was sorry. Everyone makes mistakes.”

It was then that I realized that this bit of fluff, this bit of celebrity news that has never before impacted my life except to harmlessly entertain, is actually teaching life lessons to my daughter—wrong life lessons.

My daughter doesn’t think of Rihanna as a fluffy bubblegum pop star. Rihanna is one of her idols and, if Rihanna says it’s okay for her boyfriend to beat her up, then it must be okay. Rihanna’s smart. Rihanna’s pretty. Rihanna can get anyone she wants and she wants Chris Brown, so he must be a great guy.

People can argue that we shouldn’t let entertainers mentor our kids. That we, the parents, are the best role models. And they’re right. But, unless you keep your child squirreled away from the outside world, they will be influenced by outside forces.

Kids, my daughter included, like the same things their friends like—even if you do not allow it in your home. I allowed her to listen to Rihanna because her music was catchy and because, as far as pop stars go, she was fairly innocuous.

I found myself fighting for credibility against Rihanna. I had to somehow convince my daughter that I know more about healthy relationships than her idol. Rihanna’s cool and I’m not and she’s young and therefore understands the way things work in this century (to my daughter, anyone over 30 couldn’t possibly understand today’s dating scene).

In order to help me with my conundrum, I contacted child psychologist and dating violence expert Christine Wekerle. Not only is she an expert but she has five kids, of which at least two are Rihanna fans.

She says the thing to do when explaining this to kids is to bring Rihanna down to a more human level. “(Rihanna) gets acne, she forgets stuff. She can make mistakes and it doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or a bad singer but she made a mistake and it’s a big mistake.”

Also, kids need to remember that just because we see Rihanna in music videos and read all about her life in magazines, we don’t know everything there is to know about her. “We don’t know all the things that make her vulnerable and so there may be stuff that she needs to work on that we don’t really know about,” Wekerle says.

One thing that parents forget is that our kids don’t have any dating experience. They don’t know the ropes and we, as parents, aren’t really good at teaching them the ropes. Sure, we may model great relationships in our own partnerships but sometimes we give our kids mixed messages.

My daughter was bullied not too long ago by a boy in her class. I don’t know how many people said “he must have a crush on her.” Part of me wanted to believe that because I would never want to think that someone actually dislikes my child. But what kind of a message is that? If a boy hits you, pulls your hair, teases you or pushes you down, then he must have a crush on you? When you really think about it, it doesn’t make any sense and yet many of us have reinforced that message.

So it’s not so much of a stretch for kids entering puberty to believe that violence means love. How many of us engaged in wrestling, tickle fights and punch-buggy wars with our first boyfriends or girlfriends?

Wekerle says the best time to talk to kids about healthy relationships is when they are just about to enter puberty and forming crushes on others. That is also the time to explain that hitting is never okay, especially when you claim to love the person you’re hitting. “Love is supposed to be joyful, not hurtful,” she says.

We also need to teach kids to trust their instincts. If it doesn’t feel good, it isn’t good. They can see that with Rihanna. No matter how many diamonds he gives her, getting hit in the face doesn’t feel good. So maybe Rihanna is more fallible than our kids have been led to believe.