TVO Parents

All By Myself

Thu, 04 Sep 08 18:09:10 GMT

My daughter has decided that she’s old enough to take public transit home after school by herself. She also wants to be home alone until I get home from work. This is all part of her plan to rid herself of all things childlike.

Up until now, she has happily gone to her grandparents after school. The whole reason she goes to the school she does is because their house is within walking distance. Ours is not.

We live in a large city and, as is common in large cities, our nice little neighbourhood is surrounded by dodgy bits. The idea of letting my thirteen-year-old navigate the dodgy bits on her own freaks me out.

If I do, does that put me in the bad parent camp? If I don’t, does that make me overprotective? I’m not really sure where I stand on this.

I grew up in the same city with the same dodgy bits and I took public transit on my own from a very early age. Nothing happened to me. My daughter only needs to take one bus and walk for ten minutes.

This is just another dilemma to add to the many parenting dilemmas we all face as our kids get older. Just when we thought we had it all covered, something else pops up. I wonder when that will stop. I’ll have to ask my mom if I still freak her out.

I’d like to know how you’ve handled these things. At what age do you think kids should be making their own way to and from school? At what age do you think kids can be left home alone?

A Call To Fathers

Wed, 03 Sep 08 17:49:52 GMT

In his acceptance speech for the US Democratic Party’s nomination for president, Senator Barack Obama spoke about the importance of fathers. I’ve got daddy-sized goose-bumps thinking about it.

The outcome of the presidential race will have a great impact all over the world. No doubt about it. Obama’s speech was lauded by many in the press, and it had its critics of course.

As a Canadian, I watched eagerly and felt I was witnessing history unfold. One of his points spoke to me personally … as a dad.

Here’s an excerpt:

“We must … admit that programs alone can't replace parents; that government can't turn off the television and make a child do her homework; that fathers must take more responsibility for providing the love and guidance their children need.”

Raised by a single mom in Hawaii, Obama’s father was absent.

We’ve been grappling with the issue of absent fathers for a long time, and the call to action from the Democratic nominee is worth noting. It further signals the recognition that bringing up children demands parents to be present.

All magnificent rhetoric and politics aside, Obama’s call out to fathers may continue the shift in how child-rearing is seen, as more and more dads stay home to share the duties seen mainly as mom’s work.

It's the First Day Again

Tue, 02 Sep 08 19:55:45 GMT

The first day of school is underway. As the mother of an eighth grader, my first day survival tactics are well-honed. Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years:

Never take it personally.

My daughter has refused to allow me to be seen with her in the schoolyard since grade three. I’ve learned to embrace my freakishness.

Last year, the way I said ‘hi’ was case in point. It was all wrong and geeky, apparently. This year, my sunglasses did not pass inspection so I had to drop her off a block away. Taking them off did not erase the fact that I deliberately chose to wear them in the first place and someone with such blatant disregard for current fashion trends did not deserve a second chance.

It is all your fault.

If you are the parent of a tween daughter in particular you know this already. For those who don’t, everything that happens the morning of the first day is your fault.

If your child fails to wake up to their alarm clock, or to your pleading, at the ungodly hour they insisted they wanted to get up at the night before, it is your fault. If they run late because of a hair crisis or a broken nail or a wardrobe malfunction, it is your fault. Your inability to stop time is your fault.

Accepting this is your first step toward understanding why your child has become a raging monster. You would too, if your mother was so thoughtless.

You will not be this organized for the rest of the year, so enjoy it.

The lunch is made and snug inside a new lunch bag; the gym uniform is washed and folded; the child is wearing new clean clothes that are weather appropriate; and all necessary documents are signed and inside the new backpack. You are a superstar!

Remember this when it’s thirty below and everyone slept in because the sun doesn’t rise until practically noon and the child left their lunch bag still containing Friday’s lunch in their locker and they suddenly need twenty dollars for the class trip that you knew nothing about because the form got used for impromptu hangman after school.

The gym uniform will soon walk and talk on its own and the child will insist that mittens and boots are for babies.

Leave the teacher alone.

Now is not the time to outline your expectations. Your child’s teacher is most likely freaking out because they have to learn thirty new names and get to know thirty new personalities. You can introduce yourself but that’s it (and don’t be surprised if they don’t remember you). Save your concerns for curriculum night in a couple of weeks. Or, phone and book a time to speak to the teacher after school.

Keep talking.

Find out how their day went and keep track of the names of new friends. Even if your child acts like they don’t want to talk, they are happy you’re interested and they’ll tell you eventually.

They will get over it.

Kids hate change and if your child was anxious about starting a new school today or is just nervous about starting a new grade, all that anxiety goes away in the next couple of weeks. If it doesn’t, there may be an underlying problem that needs investigating.

You’ll get over it.

Especially when they’re little, there’s nothing harder than leaving your child at school to fend for themselves. Your anxiety probably won’t go away completely but it won’t be so acute by the end of the month.

Do You Know If Your Kids Have Been Cyber-Bullied?

Fri, 29 Aug 08 19:06:35 GMT

It's worrying to think kids are susceptible to bullying in more places than the school yard. With more and more of our kids' eyeballs on different kinds of screens, cyber-bullying is an issue parents must contend with.

There's currently a debate about whether or not cyber-bullying should be criminalized. Your Voice will be debating this issue in its season premier Tuesday, September 2 at 9 PM.

The Cyber-Bullying Survey by the at the Factor Inwentash Faculty of Social Work at the University of Toronto was conducted to gain an understanding of the nature and impact of online bullying. Its findings clarify the picture.

Researchers surveyed 2186 students across the GTA in grades 6, 7, 10 and 11. Researchers also surveyed parents, teachers, educational assistants and school administrators.

So: who are the cyber-bullies?

“The myth is that cyber-bullying is anonymous. It’s not. The cyber-bully is usually either a friend or someone in class. And this means we have to deal with the problem in the students' social sphere,” says Faye Mishna, a Professor of Social Work at U of T, one of the survey’s researchers.

Based on the findings, cyber-bullying does not happen anonymously. Only 13% of cyber-bullies are strangers. 36% are friends, 22% are from school, 11% are from another school. (It's unknown who the remaining 11% of cyber-bullies are.)

That means, 69% of the time, the one being cyber-bullied knows the bully.

Another question: do think you know when your kid is cyber-bullied?

Well, there’s a communication gap between parents and their children based on the findings. Of the surveyed parents, 84% feel their child would tell them if they were cyber-bullied. The reality is that 8% tell their parents, and only 3% told a teacher, according to students who took the questionaire.

Simply monitoring your child's internet use is not enough to keep your kids safe from cyber-bullying. These interactions take place within students' social networks and at school. And they are beyond the reach of technological monitoring and parental vigilance.

Cyber-bullying is a serious issue that demands parental attention.

"Parents need to educate themselves on the online habits of their children. There should be an open, ongoing communication between parents, children and the schools," Mishna says.

Goodbye to the Moth's Nest

Thu, 28 Aug 08 20:32:29 GMT

There’s a hint of autumn in the air. We saw it up in cottage country recently, as a few trees were starting to change colour. We also see it in all the back-to-school preparations. It’s time to say goodbye to summer.

One thing I’ll remember from the summer is the tree-house at the cottage. It’s called the Moth’s Nest. To get there, you take a path from the cottage deck through the woods. Along the way there are mushrooms, berries, and trees to explore, a perfect place for moths and small kids.

When we first arrived our toddler didn’t need to go to the Moth’s Nest, because there was already so much to explore. But when he discovered the joys of playing in the tree house, it was as though he discovered a new world. And he did. He’d open and close the door, go in and out, look through the windows, and call down to me as I gathered kindling for the campfire or woodstove.

By the middle of our stay, he started requested playing in the Moth’s Nest. With its low ceiling, it was my son’s own little hideaway. And almost every night, we’d say goodnight to the Moth’s Nest along with the lake, the moon, the stars and all the animals around us.

I’m a big fan of summer, and this one has been eventful. My partner and I welcomed our second child into the world at the beginning of it, and we saw our toddler’s independence develop while on vacation. He explored nature on his own, and started to become his own little man.

I think I was a little more wistful than he was when it was time to pack up and say goodbye to the lake, the cottage and the Moth’s Nest.

Next week, my two-and-a-half year old returns to daycare after month away. He has graduated from the toddler room, and will be starting on the pre-school side.

Toy Gun Amnesty

Wed, 27 Aug 08 17:12:39 GMT

If you can imagine the black-and-white photograph, it’s powerful. A line of children in Caracas, Venezuala all toting toy guns waiting to exchange them for non-violent toys.

The picture was published in the Globe and Mail recently.

The toy-guns-for-toys initiative is part of the Hugo Chavez government’s project to reduce violence in one of the most crime-ridden cities in Latin America.

Of course, we cannot make an apples-to-apples comparison between Caracas and Toronto or Venezuela and Canada. They are different cities and countries, with different socio-economic and cultural circumstances. As well, some critics of Mr. Chavez may question his human rights record.

But what this toy gun amnesty signals is that children play with toys that reflect their culture.

Dr. Marilyn Heins, a retired MD and parenting expert, speaks about the effect violent toys have on children. She recognizes that when children play with the tools of their culture they’re learning about the world around them. (Think: your kid’s fascination with your cell phone.)

Ultimately, experts say violent toys do not teach children to be violent.

Violent toys, however, do have an effect on kids when parents don't guide their children in shaping their attitudes.

It's impossible indeed to shield children from seeing violence which is so pervasive in the media or being exposed to violent toys or games in the school yard or shopping mall. But parents have a wide variety of non-violent toy choices for children that promote positive behaviour.

Casting and Reeling

Tue, 26 Aug 08 19:14:55 GMT

A few summer weeks at the cottage meant our toddler-boy spent plenty of time exploring the natural environment … on his own.

Mind you, there were always structure, rules, and safe practices to follow. But there was progressively less of his parents as the days passed, although we always kept a watchful eye on him.

As any parent of small children will attest, this is the stuff of memories.

At one of the public beaches around Haliburton, another dad juggled his cute twin baby girls and the latest DSLR and HDV gear, and declared with a hint of self-deprecation: “I want to capture the experiences, not experience them.”

For me, there were plenty of firsts captured on video or in digital pictures, but many are simply memories: fishing (with a toy rod), slivers from the dock in his little feet, jumping in the lake, licking an ice cream cone at the Kawartha Dairy on Highway 35, sitting around a campfire with a roasted hot dog and s'mores, reading bedtime books together using a flashlight, getting bug bites and scrapes, gazing at the multitude of the stars in the night sky, and admiring the rising and setting sun.

While on vacation, I saw him grow up -- if only a little bit.

He loved showing us things he could now do on his own: making a bubble garden, looking at flowers, chasing frogs, filling pails with water and sand. He even became quite skilled at casting and reeling.

This, blissfully, is what toddlers do as they become more autonomous, master skills and acquire language. And as much as they need to assert their individuality, they need structure and snuggles as they explore their world.

Teddy Bear’s Picnic

Mon, 25 Aug 08 19:35:40 GMT

I’m back from a family cottage vacation, and I can’t seem to get “Teddy Bear’s Picnic” out of my head.

As a refresher, the song goes like this:

If you go out in the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go out in the woods today
You'd better go in disguise.

For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain, because
Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic.

The song became a family favourite during our time on a lake in Haliburton. We would make the occasional short car trip into town for groceries, ice cream or to check out a local beach.

At the end of each trip as we turned off the paved country road and drove home through the woods, we played “Teddy Bear’s Picnic”. We listened to it without fail, and it quickly became a tune our toddler loves.

Well, the adults loved it, too. It was the perfect length to get us from the country road to our cottage. It also excited our son who would sing along, warding off any last-minute dozing.

It was wonderful to introduce our toddler -- who was away from daycare for several weeks -- to the woods, the lake, and other small wonders in nature that urban adults sometimes take for granted.

We’d sing about the woods in songs like "Teddy Bear’s Picnic" or read about little mice, foxes, snakes or owls in books like “The Gruffalo”. It’s wonderful to recognize that lyrics, stories and pictures are based on things in nature. When pointing out the brown water snake on the grassy shore or the decoy owl on the dock, I could see him make the connection between his favourite stories and the animals around us.

And as we drove through the woods and "Teddy Bear's Picnic" played, it signaled our entering a magical place where little teddy bears gather.

As the song goes:

At six o'clock their mommies and daddies
Will take them home to bed
Because they're tired little teddy bears.

Indeed after a day of exploration, our toddler was tired and exhilarated. Can you imagine his reaction if we espied any bears or Gruffalos in the woods?

Buying Smarts

Wed, 20 Aug 08 16:46:25 GMT

Can you make your child smarter? Many believe you can and the resulting quest for brilliance has sold billions of dollars worth of products dedicated to smartening your scions.

I blame Mozart. In the early 90s, two researchers in the States found that undergrads got a little bit smarter after listening to a Mozart piano concerto. Kids who learned classical piano also showed similar results.

This made pregnant women everywhere strap earphones to their growing bellies so Mozart could favour their fetuses. Out rolled products like “Baby Mozart” and “Baby Einstein” to get those already born (if you read the fine print, both products do not claim to improve school success or test scores).

Okay, the way I see it is undergrads are already fairly intelligent if they made it to university and kids who can play classical piano are already pretty up there on the smart scale. I can’t even play Chopsticks, and I’ve practiced—hard.

I recently spoke to a literacy expert who said no matter how hard she tried to teach them, two of her children can’t spell to save their lives. She’s a professor who teaches teachers how to teach spelling and yet two of her children can’t spell.

She’s okay with that because her forty odd years of experience has shown that some kids will never be good spellers no matter how many flashcard drills you do or DVDs you purchase. Another one of her children grew up to become a literacy expert herself.

Therefore, is it nature or nurture? Granted, we all know that there are things parents can do to help their children succeed in school, but if your child is born to be average, maybe there’s not much you can do about it.

Still, nobody really wants to believe their child isn’t destined for greatness so parents everywhere spend billions on private schools, tutors, software, DVDs and flashcards.

But do smarts really matter in the long run? After all, George Bush managed two terms in the White House despite lacking a shocking amount of grey matter, yet Mozart died young and penniless.

Split Grades: Split Opinions

Tue, 19 Aug 08 19:48:31 GMT

Parents are learning this month whether or not their child will be in a split grade classroom. Some will think it’s a good thing. Some…well…not so much.

Due to declining enrolment and class caps, Ontario is seeing a rise in split grades. If your child has been placed in a split grade it is because there are too few kids in their grade, or too many.

My daughter has been in a split grade twice. Both times I didn’t have a problem with it. The reason I didn’t have a problem was because she was split with a grade higher than hers. In grade three she split with grade four and in grade five she split with grade six. I thought it would only improve her learning.

The parents of the higher grade were spitting mad because they thought the opposite was true. They thought their children wouldn’t learn what they needed to because the teacher would have to take time out to teach the other children what their children already knew. I don’t blame them. I would think that kids would feel bored and unchallenged if they have to share time with younger kids.

Educators disagree. Most proponents of split grades point to the fact that kids don’t learn linearly. They revisit ideas and skills over and over again.

“When you’re looking at a split grade, I think there are opportunities for students to work at levels that match their interest and their ability a little more flexibly than in a straight grade.” Wilma Verhagen, Vice Principal at Jesse Ketchum Jr. & Sr. Public School in Toronto, said on Your Voice.

In 1948, 71 per cent of Ontario’s schools only had one teacher and one classroom. Parents lamented the loss of the one-room schools at the end of the 60s because they thought they helped all children, despite their academic ability. Children could work at their own level in their own time.

But there is a big difference between the one-room school and split grades. In the former, kids from all grades were in one room, the numbers were smaller and the curriculum was far less stringent. Also, all kids could work ahead or behind.

Today, kids in the higher grade don’t get to work ahead. Plus, if the teacher is constantly taking time out to teach old concepts to the younger kids, how can the older ones possibly learn all that they need to for their grade?

Also, what if the teacher can’t handle teaching two distinct groups at once? With such a rigorous curriculum, teachers must be having a hard time. If you have a teacher who is inexperienced, kids are bound to be left behind.

Of course, I’m just a parent, not an educator. And like I said, when my daughter was in a split grade, it worked out well for her. What do you think? Do you like split grades? Why or why not?